How Did You Finally Break Your Insidious Trauma Bond with a Narcissist?
I see a trauma bond in two parts — the part you can see and the part that is hidden.
I assume you’re talking about the part of the trauma bond that is visible, because almost no one knows about the part that is hidden and wreaking havoc for years, even decades to come.
The visible trauma bond
Once you are aware of the typical aspects of a trauma bond, it’s easy to see them in your life…
- Your strong desire to leave, countered by your stronger urge to stay
- Your inability to trust the narcissist, yet unwillingness to leave
- Your excuses made for the narcissist’s behavior
- Your justification and defense of staying in the relationship
- Your hope that “this time” things will change
- Your unwillingness to involve the police or legal system because it might end the relationship
Therapists can be quite helpful in breaking this level of the trauma bond by…
- Teaching coping skills
- Guiding you to decrease your stress
- Teaching you how to set boundaries
- Providing insights
- Reflecting what they’re seeing
- Challenging your dysfunctional patterns and beliefs
- Helping you see other possibilities
This is the work I did with a therapist to break that typical aspect of the trauma bond and it was extremely helpful.
The hidden trauma bond below the surface
What I didn’t realize after completing therapy is that the work was only part-way done. It took YEARS of studying my patterns and my external world to see the insidious trauma bond that remained.
At that point, I had zero interest in reuniting with any of the narcissists in my life.
What I couldn’t understand was…
- Why I kept attracting new narcissists into my life as potential romantic partners, friends, business colleagues, kids’ friends’ parents, and more
- Why the people I was attracted to (romantically or otherwise) ended up being really toxic and I had to end ANOTHER relationship
- Why I was the target of lawsuits and smear campaigns even years later
- Why every time I had great success, one of the narcissists from my past tried to wreak havoc even without contact and from far away
How I broke my trauma bonds
Once I learned everything I could about trauma and trauma bonds, I studied my own trauma bond based on my history. Then I found a way to reverse-engineer the process to break it. And once I made my subconscious patterns and beliefs conscious, I rewrote them.
What happened next was nothing short of amazing. I was no longer attractive to narcissists as a friend, partner, or colleague. I was no longer attracted to toxic personalities. And I was no longer a target of their devaluation.
EVERYTHING changed.
It took me about 8 years. Now help people reverse engineer their trauma bonds in a morning workshop. BTW the next one is this week.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may help you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
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