Summary

A covert narcissist/narcissist relationship initially appears harmonious but ultimately deteriorates due to mutual exploitation and devaluation.

Abstract

The relationship between a covert narcissist and an overt narcissist often starts with the covert narcissist providing excessive admiration and acts of service, which the overt narcissist eagerly consumes. Over time, the covert narcissist's supply from elevated status and the sympathy of 'flying monkeys' (third parties) becomes insufficient, leading to resentment. Similarly, the overt narcissist's fear of diminishing resources and admiration prompts them to seek new sources of supply. This dynamic results in a toxic relationship characterized by mutual use and eventual devaluation, culminating in its inevitable end.

Opinions

The relationship is perceived as ideal initially due to the covert narcissist's love bombing and the overt narcissist's enjoyment of the attention and control.
The covert narcissist gains supply from the relationship's perceived envy and status, as well as from the sympathy of 'flying monkeys'.
The overt narcissist's demand for narcissistic supply increases as they become accustomed to the covert narcissist's acts of service and admiration.
Both parties begin to devalue each other, with the overt narcissist viewing the covert narcissist as weak and the covert narcissist seeing the overt narcissist as selfish and arrogant.
The relationship's demise is attributed to the scarcity mindset of both narcissists, leading to fear and the pursuit of new sources of supply.
The article suggests that the relationship is ultimately destructive and ends poorly, despite initial appearances of compatibility.

What does a covert narcissist/narcissist relationship look like?

Can two narcissists make it work?

A covert narcissist/overt narcissist relationship seems like a match made in Heaven — at first.

The covert narcissist provides endless admiration, even adoration, to the overt narcissist. Covert narcissists are so good at love bombing, this comes naturally. They put the narcissist on a pedestal, defer decisions, and become nearly subservient to the narcissist.

The covert narcissist may:

Buy the narcissist expensive things
Compliment the narcissist excessively
Encourage the narcissist to do all the talking
Let the narcissist decide where to go for dinner, on vacations, even how much to spend on a haircut
Give up pets (the narcissist isn’t a dog or cat person)
Give up family and friends that the narcissist doesn’t like
Move to a new community
Change jobs to better accommodate the narcissist’s schedule

The narcissist loves the attention, the control, and the acts of service from the covert narcissist. They receive these gifts greedily. The more the covert narcissist gives, the more the narcissist demands.

This is grade A narcissistic supply.

What is the covert narcissist getting out of this arrangement?

A whole lot of supply. The covert narcissist likes their status being elevated. The narcissist is so wealthy, successful, attractive, and powerful. The covert narcissist feels everyone is envious they are the chosen one.

The covert narcissist is also getting supply from flying monkeys. From day one, the setup has begun.

“I do all the cooking and cleaning because he works so hard.”
“She didn’t mean to forget my birthday. She’s got a big presentation this week.”
“He always talks like that. I try not to let it bother me.”
“I love finding ways to spoil her. It’s okay if she doesn’t try to spoil me.”
“He doesn’t have any friends. That’s why I try to make him feel extra special.”
“She’s so good at everything. I feel like I just can’t compete.”
“I made him a fancy dinner and he missed it. He works so hard.”

The “perfect” relationship?

You can see why this seems like the perfect relationship. The narcissist is using the covert narcissist for money, household chores, and boosting of ego, not to mention the narcissistic supply that comes from power and control.

The covert narcissist, on the other hand, is also using the narcissist for the status boost, and for the supply from the flying monkeys. The narcissist is so self-centered, the covert narcissist has plenty of stories for their monkeys.

Over time, they begin devaluing each other in addition to using each other. The covert narcissist looks pathetic to the narcissist for being weak, subservient, and for their lack of self-esteem. The narcissist looks selfish and arrogant to the covert narcissist.

All narcissists operate from a place of extreme scarcity. Scarcity is driven by fear.

The overt narcissist becomes afraid the well is running dry. The covert narcissist is no longer able to travel or buy expensive gifts because they are out of money (the narcissist making far more). The covert narcissist isn’t all that attractive, wealthy, powerful, or successful, and now resists taking care of the narcissist. The narcissist looks for new supply.

The covert narcissist has also become disillusioned and is afraid of losing the relationship. They feel like the wallet, slave labor, or a prostitute and feel entitled to more. They get supply by garnering sympathy from their flying monkeys, but they feel the narcissist drifting away. The covert narcissist looks for new supply while capitalizing on support from their monkeys.

The relationship ends. It was a match made in Hell.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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