Why Parenting Is The Hardest Job In The World

And how it’s not to be undervalued despite its worldwide normalcy.

There is no doubt that at the start of this sodding pandemic, parenting got excruciatingly difficult, especially for mothers. Jessie London put it very aptly in her article, “The Covid-19 Lockdown is Entirely Sexist”. And it’s no surprise that she came to that conclusion, as many other women came out expressing their struggles of keeping up with their day job as well as having to homeschool their kids — not to mention how isolation would have affected their mental health.

I myself have been battling with the assumptions that people have of stay-at-home mothers when people stopped taking an interest in conversing with me as soon as I told them that I am one. Equally, I have also felt this immense pressure to go back to work because that’s the new option that women have, and thus it has become more of an expectation. It’s felt like I can’t win the approval of everyone, whereas, for men, their choices are never questioned.

But this isn’t new.

Sexism, and the hardships around parenting, or more specifically, motherhood, have always been around.

Thus, it’s normal to a point of denial in a lot of people today, including women. We simply must get over it, or because there have been changes made here or there, suddenly no more work needs to be done. Progress continues, but so does conflict, even between women.

Ranting about the lack of equality aside, parenting, no matter what, is damn hard.

It’s harder for single parents. It’s harder for parents with no help from other family members or friends. I know this because we don’t have any help from family. No grandma to call on so that we can go out for a date night. No auntie to cover for me for an hour while I get the shopping done. My husband’s presence during the pandemic made for a happy family all around because he was able to give me the support I needed. But it’s temporary — he will have to go back to work in London some time.

The one time we hired a nanny so I could go out with a friend one evening, was the one evening I fell sick — and the nanny still came so she could help me put the baby to bed because I kept having to run to the bathroom to spew my guts out. The hubby was already on his own night out by then, nowhere to be reached. Even disease felt sexist to me back then.

Our Identities Change

People change. They change as their lives progress, sometimes more obviously. Switching jobs and promotions can have an impact on the rest of your life and it shakes up your routine, shapes your new habits, and gives you new experiences, good and bad.

But the changes that come with parenting test you in ways you never thought possible. It’s a shock to the system. You cannot possibly envision the emotional changes it will cause until you’re there. I didn’t even realize some of the alterations within me until I reflected in hindsight.

Never mind the logistical and practical side of life that needs a complete turnaround when you have kids. For me, it was the identity shift I could not have possibly envisioned.

It was the changes in my priorities. Some were more reluctant to emerge, some easier to let go of. I had to accept that I could no longer plan ahead, or make promises to see friends. I lost track of my old work’s updates and felt a little left out. I felt like a hypocrite for not turning up to appointments because my mind was so foggy I forgot about them, or I was too tired to drive.

It was my undiscovered ability to push my emotions behind a concrete wall in order to protect the innocence of my baby boy. It was my struggle to cope with the mental suffering I went through while sleep-deprived.

And somehow, there were times I felt on top of the world, like whenever my little one touched my chin with his hand as he latched on to my breast.

Thank God for oxytocin. On that front, I’m glad women are blessed with that hormone. We damn well need it.

I let go of old judgments, too. I embraced smug parenting when I started feeling like a supermom. When I got organized again and felt like I could fit into this role of Mother like it was made for me. After a few months of adjusting, I came to like the new me and even felt somewhat proud.

You Can Feel Intense Conflicting Emotions At Once

I have never experienced anything quite like this.

My ability to love deeply with an incredible amount of gratitude and joy, and at the same time feel hatefully bitter and resentful. I didn’t know I could feel such magnitudes of conflicting emotions without them ruling each other out.

I remember feeling this deep, unconditional sense of abundant love and affection towards my son as I held him close while he slept on my chest. But at the same time, I needed a break, and I just couldn't get one. Meanwhile, I would mourn for my husband’s presence who was often out, working and building from social connections that might lead to business deals.

I was never, ever alone at home. I had my baby with me, and I filled the rooms with music and background noise.

And yet, an overwhelming sense of loneliness hit me, even though what I really desired was to spend an hour on my own, doing absolutely nothing, with the knowledge that there was someone else in the house playing music for my son and that I had the option to join them.

Making Tough Decisions Becomes The Norm

Decision-making becomes second nature to many in life, and at work.

But when these decisions involve your children, it’s a whole new ball game. I recently struggled with the decision to take my son to daycare. It’s been 7 weeks, and he still cries when I drop him off, making me question whether I have done the right thing.

The other day, I had my first covid-19 vaccine, despite being just over 6 months pregnant and adamant not to have it done until after the baby was born. With the restrictions having been fully lifted in England on Monday, July 19, I felt vulnerable. Unprotected. The risk of getting the virus and it making me really sick had shot up, and my hand felt forced. It stirred anxiety in me that gave me sleepless nights. Yet, was I childless or not pregnant, I wouldn’t have even hesitated.

Making decisions that affect our little humans is daunting because we don’t know how we will cope with the unknown. We are forced to trust in our instinct which sometimes is just not there.

You No Longer Come First

The non-main parents (usually the fathers) won’t notice such a huge shift in their lifestyle. Their choices to leave the house, go out with friends, or simply go for a nap, remain virtually unchanged.

For me, and many other mothers or main parents, self-care must be meticulously organized, as does every other aspect of our lives, if we want to thrive not just as parents, but as human beings with emotions and desires.

We no longer come first but we do in essence. Because in order to do well in life, we have to look after our physical and mental health. When we are happy, we perform better, more efficiently, and we feel great.

So, no, we can’t just get up and do what we want when we want, but we must ensure we do have some time to let off some steam.

This is the change — it shouldn’t mean giving up or sacrificing ourselves for our children, we should still be able to do what we really need to feel fulfilled.

But it should be well planned around the care for our children. And this is difficult to do when you’re a new parent because your child won’t have a routine just yet.

In the beginning, you’re putting on hold the things you want for a few months. But, in that time, it is important to keep planning and keep dreaming about your wants because there will come a time when you’ll suddenly have an hour to spare, or your baby will finally take that nap, and you’ll not want to waste it — even if it means doing nothing because you miss doing nothing!

It wasn’t till my son was around 5 months old that I started being able to plan around his routine and get to work on myself. But even then, I wasn’t in the mindset to actually begin doing what I really wanted — I needed to “recover” first.

I needed sleep.

I wanted to feel human again by cooking my favorite meals and sitting down to eat them while they were still hot. I wanted to get my nails done without looking at my watch and worrying that my son would wake up to his father and have no milk to comfort him. By knowing his routine, I was confident in getting a slither of independence back.

When I felt a little restored, I could consider growing — i.e. working out what to do with my life.

That’s when writing was born.

Final Thoughts

I think the hardest bit about parenting is not really understanding what it’s like to do it until you actually have to do it. I realize that this is the case for almost everything in life, but it was absolutely groundbreaking for me in motherhood.

It’s about the changes in our priorities and standards, our shifts in our identity, and our ability to plan and organize our lives around a new human. It’s about sacrificing a little of yourself, if only temporarily.

There are no promotions or pay-rises that reflect our progress as parents. We must depend on ourselves to treasure the little parenting victories and highlight our milestones. When we do this, we radiate happiness and love towards those around us.

I loved my son wholeheartedly when my son was born. But I would never have been the best parent to him had I not taken care of myself when I needed to.

When you work a job, you work for someone else’s goals. But as a parent, you work on your own family’s and thus become a whole lot more attached to them. There is no pressure like it.

Switching jobs is easy. But I would never give up my role as a mother.

Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. See more work like this.

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