Learning To Enjoy Motherhood Guilt-Free
Despite the constant judgement from society and myself.
“Day off work today, then?” The lady doing my nails asked me as I sat down for the first time that day.
“No, just an hour for lunch,” I replied. She asked what I did, and I said I was a stay-at-home mother and writer. She appeared to look at me in shock, and I felt I was being judged once more for not having a “proper” job. I felt the need to change the subject and so I asked her if she had kids.
By asking her the question I simply turned the judgement on to her without knowing it. The signs of guilt and sadness sprung to the surface as she told me she had a 6-year old in Vietnam, and a 13-month old at home with her partner, while she worked 6 or 7 days a week.
Some mothers, like me, have the privilege to stay at home, yet feel judged when we tell others about our decisions to not go back to work.
Some mothers make huge sacrifices by going to work, and in extreme cases, like hers, rarely see their children because they don’t live with them.
Needless to say, I recognised her guilt because I myself have felt it, even if the causes were vastly different. Because every mother feels guilt no matter what.
I felt as if we both felt judged by the other. We both felt shocked at the prospect of living the opposite scenario. I felt guilty for making a big deal about not going back to work to someone who might have no choice but to. I felt guilty for intruding on her life and then acting awkward for not knowing what to say.
I felt an urge to hold her hand and show my support, yet I also knew it wouldn’t be my place to. And then I felt guilty for assuming I knew what it must feel like for her when I don’t have a right to interfere or assume what her feelings are at all.
Every mother makes sacrifices somewhere, and somehow, no matter what decision that is, it always meets assuming and disapproving eyes.
We both have faced judgement because we’re in a world where, no matter what decision a woman — a mother — makes, she will be frowned upon by society for it. Who knows, the lady could have possibly been shamed by her family if she dared express a desire to stay at home.
Or maybe, god forbid, she simply wants to work. Either way, her decision making is none of my or anyone else’s business. And neither is mine.
I merely talk about her situation and compare it to mine to prove a point. I speak on behalf of myself and whoever agrees that I am tired of feeling the pressure to defend my every move as a woman, and as a parent.
I’m tired of people making assumptions about my situation at home. They think that stay-at-home parents do nothing to stimulate their brain. I absolutely challenge that view every day.
I’m Much Too Busy
It dawned on me the other day as to why some childless have completely ignored me at social events right after telling them I’m a stay-at-home mum.
They remember periods of time when they stayed home for more than a day or two.
They may have had some involuntary time off work due to a job loss or family matter. Maybe they decided to take time off to relax at home for a few days.
After a couple of days of doing absolutely nothing, being at home can get a bit boring. Even when you get tucked into a project, such as decluttering or redecorating, they’re all temporary. The child-less can’t imagine staying at home for an indefinite period of time.
They assume that as mothers, we only take care of the mundane and we have no room for a mind of our own and an intelligent experience. They think we are ladies of leisure, filling our time with coffee mornings with friends or living our lives entirely around other people — namely our kids and partners.
They don't think we do things for ourselves and that we gave up a portion of our freedom. And they make us feel bad if that’s what we wanted.
They associate being home with boredom, dullness, and simply losing brain cells because we’re not stimulating that brain.
They imagine that feeling of doing nothing for too long and it feels like hell on earth.
They feel like we are overstaying our welcome in our own home.
Hopefully, the pandemic has taught a hell of a lot of people that this view is simply naive. You can stay at home and lead a completely full and abundant life. I know I do. In fact, I wouldn’t be waking up at 5 AM every day if I didn’t. I am absolutely more productive today than before I had a child. Actually, I enjoy my lifestyle way more now than I did before I quit my job.
I might go as far as making the bold statement that I value my time more than they do theirs.
We Have Learned To Judge Ourselves
I naturally self-criticise. When I cook an amazing meal and my husband sits down with an eager appetite and remarks on how good the food looks, I’m always quick to explain why the gravy may not be as thick, or that he may need salt.
But if I was to self-praise, some might see me as being stuck up and arrogant. So it’s no wonder that I learned to criticise myself instead. What I had not realised until recently is that ultimately, by being apologetic about my shortcomings and putting myself down, I am teaching my son to do the same.
So I have to be bigger than that. I have to simply stop caring about what others think and big myself up a bit more. Because in the end, I am doing a good job raising my child, and bossing life. I know I am and yet I still default to focusing on the bad stuff so I need to make a huge effort to break that pattern of self-defence.
I need to kill off being judgemental, not just of others, but of myself, so that I can nurture a more encouraging and positive attitude into my son.
In fact, I have been complaining about how nobody minds their own business and judges others, but I am still choosing to listen and become offended. I should in fact take my own advice, and mind my own business by not listening to anyone else.
Takeaway
Unfortunately, it seems to still be the norm for women to be judged no matter their situation. I am tired of feeling the need to justify myself and I realise that it is up to me to change that view.
I am a busy momma, and I need to keep on working on my goals without caring what anyone else might think of my situation. My goals are nobody’s business so long as they’re not hurting me or anyone else.
I know I am an overthinker by nature, so it is up to me to reel myself in before those judging thoughts do some actual damage (if they haven’t already).
Because I have a child, and another on the way, to teach about self-love and confidence. The only way I can help society break the judgemental pattern is if my kids don’t learn to automatically self-criticise, and they learn to appreciate that everyone is normal in a very unique way. I will bring them up with a view that they really can do anything they want without having to explain themselves if they don’t want to.
Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love and motherhood. See more work like this.
Follow her on Twitter.
