The Unexpected Conflict of Motherhood Vs. Feminism
How the pressure from society to uphold women’s values is sometimes too much.
On New Year’s Day, we went to the beach as a family. It was a special occasion because the hubby could get away from his office to come on this adventure with us.
My husband had been on his phone on and off the whole journey while I drove and proceeded to be on his phone as we started walking towards the beach.
I tutted, but he didn’t get the hint, or at least he didn’t acknowledge it by putting his phone away.
Recently, I had been comparing the roles my husband and I have as parents. I am the primary carer — I gave up my career to be with our son full time, and Devonte is the main breadwinner.
When Devonte needs to get something done, he gets up and does it. Just at breakfast yesterday, he felt the need to quickly run upstairs to get some work done without saying anything. But when I need to get something done, such as the housework, use the bathroom, or god forbid, something for myself, there is a whole logistical process that needs to take place to ensure Andriel is taken care of, and a whole other thing to get Andriel to comply. It is exhausting.
This train of thought had played on my mind when Devonte was on his phone as we were walking towards the steps that lead to the beach. I was left to get Andriel out of the car and put on his gloves, hat, and coat. It was made obvious at that moment that it was also up to me to make sure he held my hand and/or walked safely towards the steps while Devonte carried on being on his phone, oblivious to my annoyance. I asked the hubby to grab the bag from the car, and, after finishing what he was doing on his phone, he took it and then brought his phone out of his pocket again.
Suddenly, I had the urge to walk ahead on my own. And for some reason, I didn’t stop myself from doing just that.
I left my son with his dad right behind him without saying anything, thus forcing him to put his phone away and grab Andriel to make their way to the beach.
Adrenaline rushed through me as I walked down the steps alone.
The Unprocessed Lack of Freedom
As I walked down the steps, I felt something I had not felt for some time.
Free.
At that moment, I struggled to remember the last time I did something for myself while my son was awake. I’m used to getting everything done while he sleeps — meaning I constantly feel like I’m tripping over time and never quite finish doing what I want to.
If I need to do anything at all during Andriel’s awake times, I do not, like my husband, have the liberty to just go and do it. I have to ask if it is OK to do so, or at the very least, inform the husband in advance so that he can make sure he’s free to be with his son.
It was a strange feeling of resentment and a hard one to swallow. It implies that, as a mother, I do not feel totally free. And I judge this feeling because if I feel this, it must mean I see my son as a burden, which is simply not true.
When Devonte later wanted to talk about this with me, I could not muster the words that I was thinking, for I felt too guilty for even entertaining them.
The scenario at the beach hit an unexplored nerve.
Traditional Vs. Modern Mother
Until a few decades ago, women were expected to stay at home and look after their children. It was more of a burden if a woman dared want a career or a mind of her own before or after having kids.
Today we encourage a woman to do whatever she wants. It’s okay if she wants to stay at home with the kids, and it’s okay if she wants to go back to work, officially speaking. It’s okay if she doesn’t want to have kids at all.
However, in practice, women are still heavily oppressed because we feel this instinct to justify every single choice we make, whereas, for men, decisions are rarely questioned.
I want the best of all worlds.
I want to stay at home, and I want to work, and I don’t want to feel like I have compromised either.
I want to be a female leader in this world, and I want to be the best mother, establish the best possible bond between my son and me, and help shape him to be the best he can be.
I want to work and feel like I can advance in my career and be a boss woman. But I don’t want to miss a single moment with Andriel.
I want to stay at home and cook and clean and look after our son and future children without feeling like I am not taking the opportunities women have fought for.
I want to push for equality and respect from the world. Still, I have the burning desire to bake cakes and run my children to their football games, succumbing to the old-fashioned view of women’s roles in society but without being looked at as a woman with no curiosity for growth or learning.
I want to do it all without having to justify any of it.
When I had decided not to return to work, I found myself defending my position to everyone and no one, but mostly to myself.
I first put myself under pressure to go back to work because this is the new unwritten rule for women but then found myself desiring more than anything to uphold the old 50s tradition of kissing my husband goodbye at the door as he headed off to work while holding our sleeping newborn in my arms.
And then, I felt the pressure to put my mind to good use because I can’t just be a housewife according to society. And on the days I acted just like one, I both loved and despised the idea.
I honestly did not know what I wanted, but I certainly did not want to feel like I was letting down the women's team.
Freedom of Choice
I realise I’m spoilt for choice, and it puts me in an excellent position. Really, this is what women have fought for — options.
I understand some families are forced to work, and my sheer freedom to choose whether or not to stay at home is one I am privileged to have.
The very pressure alone to make sure I am enjoying being a stay-at-home-mum is completely and utterly ridiculous. I was free to make this choice, my husband encouraged me to do whatever I wanted to do, but somehow I couldn’t admit to myself that I wanted more. Instead, I resented my husband for his own choice to have something other than fatherhood.
It boiled down to the conflict of views society has today on women's roles when they become mothers.
It wasn’t until my husband and I were talking after the beach incident, and he asked me why I had “abandoned” our son and walked on ahead and this answer came to my mind:
“Because I want to be able to just do as I please sometimes, just like you.”
The thing is, I want to put myself in a box, and at the same time, I want to choose many boxes, some of which negate or contradict each other.
I want to be a full-time mother.
I also want to work and be a successful female leader.
I really don’t want to work because I want to be with my son all the time — until I suddenly feel like claiming some me time to do something for myself, like building a career in writing.
Surely I’m not the only one who feels confused?
The Poor Husband
The fact I do not feel balanced within me has nothing to do with my husband. He does his very best every day to ensure I have some time to myself. I am typing this while he plays with his son and they play tidy up on the weekend.
In fact, he was so confused when I just walked on ahead at the beach the other day. He could not figure it out, but when we talked about it, he was understanding and accommodating.
Just to boggle things up even more — I must remember that the second year of my son’s life was spent during a pandemic where we were in and out of quarantine, and it is not always going to be this way. I used to go and get my nails done every 3 weeks. I used to go to the hairdressers. We hired a nanny and went out on a date right before the pandemic, and I have had a few nights out with my girlfriends.
I did, when I claimed it, get time to do things I wanted.
My husband works his ass off, AND he’s a great father.
At the beginning of this article, I painted a picture of him not pulling his weight by being on his phone. This could have blown up, and society would back me up too because it is fashionable to jump to the conclusion that the choice a mother makes to stay at home is a choice the father takes advantage of.
If I am going to go back to the 50s and stay at home full time, then it must mean that my husband’s views are also outdated and, how dare he be on his phone when he could be helping me?!
Nobody will judge him to his face, of course, because he’s a man, but they will to me and to others. So, after thinking about feminism and resilience and women empowerment, I sometimes bark at my husband when instead I could cut him some slack and simply ask him to cut me some.
Devonte let on that sometimes he is jealous of the time I get with our son. I don’t always consider that he wishes he didn’t have to work so much and that sometimes he is simply tired and needs to do some mindless scrolling on his phone. I didn’t say that technically he was supposed to be working but that instead he wanted to be with us, but it still meant he had to be on his phone to access his work portal and emails.
My resentment towards him has nothing to do with him. It is about what I want for myself.
While there is a lockdown, I have to accept that I can’t do everything I want and find things I can do — some of which involve my family, and some do not.
And that’s OK — and as soon as I was able to admit this and share it with my son’s father, I felt much better.
Now, we have brought something new to the table, which helps us both problem-solve without looking at each other with resentment.
Awareness.
Last Words
I have come to accept that it doesn’t matter what traditions are in place and what is expected from me by society or anyone. I have to listen to my heart and blame nobody for my own circumstances but act in line with my family's best interests.
A woman is empowered when she chooses to stay at home with her baby or devote her life to her career.
A woman is empowered when she realises she wants the best of all worlds, and sometimes, just 2 minutes to breathe.
A woman is empowered when she does not let society tell her what to do.
A woman leads by example when she owns her mind, her life, and her choices.
Sylvia Emokpae, thinker, and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, motherhood, and pro-race. See more work like this.