Rethinking Our Approach to Trusting Others
How I’m teaching my son to trust others in a healthier way.
Trust is one of those principles everyone values highly. We need trust to keep meaningful relationships. We also need to trust to grow as individuals.
We trust in others and in ourselves, but we often disagree on how trust is distributed. Some say trust is earned, some say trust is given. Regardless of which side we choose, we all agree that trusting requires us to become a little vulnerable.
Yet vulnerability often makes us feel insecure. It is a tough feeling to accept, one that makes people terribly uncomfortable, so sometimes we choose not to open that can of worms and not trust at all. Without trust, there are no cracks, no expectations, no assumptions.
Without trust, we think we cannot be disappointed. And yet, we still are.
Don’t Trust Until Proven Innocent
According to some, trust is earned.
We play a game of earning trust, only we don’t share the rules of the game with anyone. We rarely tell anyone explicitly what our needs and expectations are. We keep a point score and we determine what earns trust points and what takes them away.
In some ways, this gives us a win-lose attitude towards trust where one must win, and one must lose. To protect ourselves, we wait for trust to be earned — but we don’t gain friendships this way. We gain control issues, and this sets us up not only to be hurt by others but to also hurt — the opposite of what we are trying to achieve.
“It is more shameful to distrust our friends than to be deceived by them.” — Confucius
Before long, we find ourselves back to square one, a friendship lost before it could be nurtured, all because we were too afraid to trust.
Trust Until Proven Guilty
Practice makes perfect. We teach our children to become independent with time and practice. We leave them alone for a few seconds here and there. We try the candy challenge, where we ask them to resist the temptation to eat the sweets placed in front of them while we are out of the room.
As they grow older, we leave them alone for a few minutes in a different room, and then we will leave them alone at home while we go out. Eventually, we have to let our children out and trust that they will come home on time.
In the end, we have to trust that they will be okay in the big wide world. We let them go off on their own.
Trust is forever being worked on from the moment we are born. But when we are trusting, we open ourselves up for manipulation and betrayal. We don’t even have to seem to be giving too much.
Roderick M. Cramer said in his article “Rethinking Trust” for the Harvard Business Review, “Virtually any indicator of trustworthiness can be manipulated or faked.” This leaves us feeling vulnerable or fearful before we have even considered giving a little bit of ourselves away.
We are torn about who we trust — many studies have shown that people find it easy to manipulate others into trusting them. A gentle touch of the hand here or a warm smile there is enough to deceive us.
Cramer carried out an experiment with one of his classes, where he asked half of the participants to do everything they could to fake trustworthiness during a negotiation exercise, and the other half of the class were forewarned that some students would try to deceive them into trusting them.
Cramer concluded that “their ability to detect fakers did not improve.” More interestingly, those who had been forewarned thought they had done a better job at spotting the fakers than those who hadn’t.
Ultimately, we cannot know until we try whether someone deserves to be trusted or not. Trust must be given first, and then invested in. So where should we begin?
Learning to Trust Smartly
As I open the door in the kitchen that backs into the garden, I ask my son to wait where I can see him. I often have to go outside to take out the trash or go into our garden shed where I need to grab food from our spare freezer.
He hasn’t yet challenged me by disappearing into another area of the house, out of sight. He hasn’t attempted to follow me outside to be with me. He waits while I do whatever I need to do and I find him in the same position when I return to the house, seconds later. He smiles every time we meet eyes again as I walk back inside the house.
We are building trust in each other. I get a little nervous every time, but it’s necessary. He needs to know that every time I leave, I come back.
Equally, I need to know I can trust him alone, even if only for twenty seconds. We are together working on building trust between each other so that he too can form trusting relationships as he grows older.
This is vital. It is these daily and mundane activities that will affect how our son will be with others when he is older. Trust will hurt him, but not trusting will hurt him more. It is my job to teach Andriel to trust smartly.
How?
We Set Clear Boundaries
“You build resentment toward others because of an inability to advocate for yourself.” — Justin Baksh for Healthline
We establish and communicate our wants and needs, and in turn, we gain self-confidence. We are transparent with our motives and we are kind. We treat others how we want to be treated.
People are more likely to respond genuinely when we trust first.
We say what we mean and we mean what we say. We lead by example and inspire others to be as forthcoming as us, thus building a relationship built on mutual respect and trust.
When my son gets upset and I don’t know why, no matter how bad a day we have had, I must remember that his feelings are to be recognized and validated. Trying to distract and cheer him up with a new toy does not work here. I need to know why he is upset, I need to tell him it’s okay, and we need to figure out what will make it better.
This is a very difficult task because it means he will feel this feeling for longer when all I really want to do is put a smile on his face. But I am teaching him that all feelings matter. He owns his feelings and only he can change them. I am teaching him to recognize every feeling he has so he can communicate them, and give me a chance to help him problem-solve.
We Learn
“The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief.” — Shakespeare
A break in the trust is a gained data point. The betrayal is a reflection of the perpetrator, not on us. When we learn to see betrayal as a lesson, we don’t change how we behave towards others. We can focus our energy on trusting others while learning how to cope with disappointment and rejection.
As Michael Bernard Beckwith put it, we must become consciously naïve. When we are aware of our own weaknesses and vulnerabilities but we trust others anyway, we are more likely to connect deeper with ourselves as individuals and with others.
When I casually told my son that his friend canceled our play date at the park the other day, Andriel shrugged his shoulders and repeated “park”. He is not yet familiar with the feeling of rejection, but I am hopefully instilling in him the art of not taking things personally.
We Say No
“One key to successful relationships is learning to say no without guilt, so that you can say yes without resentment.” Bill Crawford
We uphold our values and instincts. We do not give in when something doesn't feel right. Trust begins at home. When we disagree with something, we should firmly say no with dignity. If others love us, they will accept our decision.
Once my son’s father or I say no to something specific, we must agree as parents in front of our son. If we changed our minds, it would confuse Andriel and leave room for negotiation rather than teaching Andriel to accept our word. Doing this enables us to trust fully that the right decision is being made.
Likewise, when Andriel says no to something that we request, we must respect that decision. Of course, sometimes we have to override it when putting his best interests forward using our judgment as parents. But by giving him a little control here he is learning that he owns his own mind and he controls it.
We Revisit Trust
Trust is not always permanent. Once we give our trust away, we should be ready to revisit our decision to trust again in the future.
One example where we learn that reviewing trust is vital is with the Madoff Scandal. Bernie Madoff, a well known Wall Street investment advisor, cheated thousands of his clients into investing with him for years by promising huge returns.
Madoff was such an active member of the financial industry that nobody questioned him for a long time. It was only in 2008, after many years of operating the Ponzi scheme, that he was caught and charged with 11 counts of fraud, money laundering, perjury, and theft.
The lesson? Don’t put all your trust into one basket, and review your trust investments regularly.
As our son gets bigger and starts to really test our boundaries, we will need to review how we continue to build trust. We must not remain naive in thinking that just because he is happy for me to run upstairs today he will not try to follow me up tomorrow. Doing so will teach him how to approach trusting others in a healthier way.
Last Words
We know we will be hurt with or without trust, so we might as well give ourselves the best chances to love by trusting, but instead of recklessly, realistically.
Give people the chance to be honest with you by being transparent without expecting them to have the same standards as you. Set clear boundaries by asserting your beliefs and saying no when you need to.
A break in trust can be interpreted more positively when we see it as a lesson learned. This may not avoid hurt altogether, but will help preserve your wellbeing and alleviate some of the pain.
“To conquer the unknown you must trust.” — Yogi Bhajan
Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, motherhood, and pro-race. See more work like this.