I Am Not Your Trophy Wife
And I refuse to become a liability.
My husband and I made the joint decision for me to stay at home when our son was born — like thousands of couples today.
However, I wasn’t always open to this idea. Firstly, because I did not want to rely on anyone else for my financial freedom. Secondly, I hated the idea of not having a career and adding value in some way to the world, and not just as a mother.
Only when our son arrived, I couldn’t imagine doing anything else, and quitting my job during the start of the pandemic was the best decision I made.
Not only was I blessed with the time to love and nurture my son, but I also learned to truly love myself and do what I want, not what I am expected to want.
Before, I felt I had a team of women in the 21st century to please by taking advantage of my right to work. There is a strong image we are fed by the media and TV industry of strong women who boss careers while juggling kids. That no longer appealed to me — at least not a career working for other people’s goals.
I was simply happy at home, but I wasn’t comfortable telling people this.
I felt I needed to somehow justify to the world the reasons why I chose to stay at home. I desperately wanted not to feel judged by others. I didn’t want to be called a housewife. Because the images around that term are somehow degrading today.
Have you seen The Real Housewives Of “City”? Mad Men? Betty Broderick? Exactly.
I’m Bitter at the World
I didn’t feel completely comfortable with the idea of being reliant on my husband, especially financially. Not because of him, but because of the world.
I know he would never become controlling and possessive over what I would be allowed to do or not do with his money, even though I do get an “allowance”. I don’t like that he has a say in the limit of my earnings, even if he doesn’t question what I spend the money on.
This leads to a feeling of resentment. Because I am financially reliant, I wonder whether he secretly or unconsciously gets a kick out of controlling my salary, which is far less than the legal minimum wage. Granted, there is no job contract, but I do have a job.
Although what I am saying may sound bitter, please note it is not aimed at my husband — but at the world’s view of him.
How many couples do you know whose family dynamics are similar? Working husband, stay-at-home mother? The TV shows and movies demonstrate that my husband’s eagerness and drive for success and my kind nature as a nurturing mother are the main ingredients for an unequal marriage that ends in failure.
I literally see Leonardo Dicaprio’s character in The Wolf of Wall Street in my husband — a hardworking individual who wants to provide for his family (present); finds that having fun is better than being a family man (near future); he cheats on and leaves his wife and upgrades his lifestyle (distant future). The wife stops appearing halfway through the film because it’s all about him, forgotten like an old piece of furniture.
Yes, that’s what I took from the movie.
Again — I don’t think my husband has this kind of nature. But neither did Dicaprio. The world and outside influence led him down a path to self-destruction. And yes, he controls his actions, but he’s influenced by the expectations of him too.
The movie makes me feel insecure about becoming an unhappy and resented trophy wife. It makes me scared of becoming a liability.
I feel this need to fight the world and add value to myself.
I Live For Me, Not For You
Women are degraded in these movies and TV shows and they portray a dark reality of what happens when men become successful.
This scares me. It frightens me to no end that there is a potential for something similar to happen to us. While I stay home and look after the house and family, the hubby looks after himself and then pays for everything. I’m scared I will become something he just needs to pay for and forgets about the love of our marriage.
It is daunting to feel like I will be nothing more than a utility bill.
But, it is a reminder that I do indeed control my own life.
My husband and I married because we loved each other. We still do. We choose to love each other every single day — and we have vowed to do this for the rest of our lives.
And for him to carry on choosing to love me, I need to choose to love me too. That means living for me, not for him, or my family.
For a long time, I thought that prioritizing him and our growing family was the best thing I could do. But that meant I wasn’t putting myself first.
The trick to a fruitful marriage? Self-love.
As my husband upgrades his lifestyle, so will I. As I upgrade mine, he better keep up.
I won’t be a trophy wife. I won’t be a used old car costing the earth to maintain. I come as a multi-functioning individual with shit to do. I am not just a mother. I am not just a wife.
I am a highly important individual with multiple roles to play. My husband is lucky he has me because if it wasn’t for my choice to put my career AFTER my family, he wouldn’t have been able to fulfill his. And he sure as hell knows this.
So, we will paint a different picture, contrary to those TV shows and films.
We Are Two, Not One
I’d like instead to look up to and aspire to be like Michelle and Barack Obama.
The two biggest individual power figures in the world.
No, my husband doesn’t wish to be president, and I don’t want to be First Lady. But we are two very strong individuals. We both have our own goals. We have independent minds.
For Devonte, he has to leave a legacy. For a long time, I didn’t know what I wanted other than a family. Today, I’ve worked out my calling for now, though that may change. I want to empower women. I want to show the world that a woman is not a liability. Or a utility bill.
This world is not a man’s world. Treat me less than and I will become Christina Hendricks — but not from Mad Men, from Good Girls.
My husband and I will carry on working on our goals, and celebrating our milestones together. Sometimes, we will help each other out, and sometimes, we will work on our own progress alone. Mostly, we will carry on choosing to love each other for our constant strive to self-grow.
Takeaway
My husband and I each have our own completely separate lives. Some parts come together on purpose, and some naturally overlap. Yes, we are a more realistic version of Mr. & Mrs. Smith.
Marriage is the coming together of two special people. But they don’t become one. They don’t lose half of themselves.
We both bring completely different assets to the table. We both have completely different roles to play. Yes — we have to communicate well to ensure there isn’t a single point of failure. Yes, we both need to be able to do the other’s role in case of sickness or temporary pause in the role. Yes, we certainly work together on mutual goals.
But no successful company is run by one single person. A company needs a team. And that’s what my husband and I are. A very good one at that. For now, my husband is looking after us all financially while I wash his clothes and cook his meals, and that’s alright. The roles might switch one day. Who knows what this future will bring. I only know that whatever I choose to do, I will do it knowing my worth, and making sure he knows it too.
Sylvia Emokpae is passionate about self-love and motherhood. See more work like this.
