My Husband Is A Damn Good Father

And he deserves praise.

A father who takes his child to the park should not be praised by the other parents. A man who takes their newborn to baby classes alone should not be admired.

A father who does any of the things that a mother is expected to do should receive zero claps for it – because he should also be expected to do them all.

Up until recently, I actually agreed with this view.

There are not enough hands-on dads out there. According to researchgate.net, a study conducted in 2013 concluded that although the time-ratio in parents had changed over the last few decades, mothers still play a much larger role in child-rearing than fathers.

There are still many dads who don’t do much to help their wives with the upbringing of their children, or who cherry-pick how they participate in parenting altogether. There are fathers who don’t cook or clean, change diapers, or read stories to their kids. Unfortunately, there are men who think their wives should feel happy that they are simply present. There are dads who work all hours of the day because they want to and then tell their partners how they should be thankful that they bring the money home. Even worse, there are men who abandon the family home.

According to census.gov, in the US, of all fathers,

“20.2% (about 7 million) are “absent” dads of all of their minor children.”

The number is much lower, at just under 6%, for children whose father is the sole parent.

There is still a sense of entitlement amongst men that enables them to do many of the aforementioned guilt-free because they face little to no consequences or backlash from society.

It is of my opinion that a woman is more likely to face criticism for taking on a less hands-on role of a mother.

So, I get that women get angry when others praise a man for stepping up to the role of a good father. Seeing a father doing what he is supposed to do should be the norm, thus, why would it deserve praise? As a mother, I certainly haven’t received a standing ovation for all the baby classes and activities I take my son to.

Now, for the big but.

BUT I Appreciate A Good Father

I do think however we are seeing growth in society and in the fathers who are trying to be there more for their kids. And I think this deserves acknowledgement and praise if only to encourage more men to step up to the role of great fatherhood.

I LOVE to see a father with his child at the playground playing sports. I love seeing whole families on bike rides. I may not go up to the men and publicly praise them for doing such nice fatherly things that are completely expected of them, but I definitely smile, and I definitely think they should know they are appreciated.

See, my husband works his ass off. So much so, that pre-pandemic, he hardly saw his kid, and then was too tired on weekends to do anything but sleep. When he was dragged out, he made an effort but I could tell he wasn’t over the moon about it because he was simply exhausted.

Don’t even ask about how much he did at home — everything fell to me. This all combined with was torture to me.

I did not enjoy this life. I did not like how the father of my son did not know his baby. I resented him and I accused him of being an absent father, prioritising his career and every other aspect of his life over us.

But when I saw another father spending time with his kids, I inwardly thanked the universe for sending me this image, an image I desired for my family for so long.

My Husband Is A Great Father

The pandemic, the disease that halted the world and put everyone in limbo, was the biggest blessing this family ever received.

My husband will never be the silent partner in our family again.

He was given the opportunity of a lifetime, and he took it. He embraced the hands-on role of a dad.

He wanted this from the get-go. It was always his plan to start working from home at some point because he wanted to be with his family. He worked hard to build connections and set himself up for jobs in high ranking positions because he thought it would all pay off in the future. It just required a lot of his time to build his empire, which meant I felt neglected.

But the pandemic sped things up for us. He got the best of both worlds — his empire, and his family.

So now, when I see him play with his son, I smile thankfully. I love the jokes that are shared between them and appreciate the moments I have witnessed them experience together. I love the beaming smile of excitement our son gets when his father enters the room.

In fact, I love the beaming smile of excitement my husband gets when his son enters the room.

I love how Andriel relies on his dad for comfort. I love how my son doesn’t care who puts him to bed or gets him up in the mornings. There are some things I only can fulfil for our son because of our own special bond, but generally, both his parents are his rocks.

I am thankful for the fact my husband drags us all out for walks on weekends when barely just a year ago, the idea filled him with dread.

My husband is a damn good father, and I’m going to let him know, even if he doesn’t feel he needs to hear it from me.

I Put Him On A Pedestal

I outwardly appreciate everything in my life. Gratitude is one of the best self-improvement habits you can practice, something I have learned over the last couple of years. So I put my husband on a pedestal whenever I feel thankful to him, and this cultivates love.

When there is an increase in love, there is an increase in energy and happiness in the home.

And you know what? My husband puts me on a pedestal too.

I am a supermum in his eyes.

I run the house and look after our son pretty much full-time while my husband works from home. In my spare time, I write — something which I know I will have more time to invest in once our son is at day-care. But for everything I have done for this family (because I wanted to) — quit my job, become a devoted full-time mother, and work on my own happiness — my husband deeply appreciates.

We Need To Celebrate People More

Jealousy is a bitch. For everyone who is praised, there always seems to be someone that says “but they’re not that great” or “she doesn’t deserve the medal”.

Not only do we self-criticise a hell of a lot — we learned this habit because others criticised us.

But I don’t think I have ever met anyone who hasn’t complained of a toxic person in their lives who didn’t support them in some way. I know I’ve had my fair share of people who weren’t happy for the choices I made or the successes I celebrated.

This is mostly a reflection of a lack of confidence on their part.

I know because I have felt it.

I have felt the pang of jealousy when other women got pregnant while I dwelled on the fact that I had PCOS (polycystic ovaries) and knew I would struggle to conceive. And when I had a baby, I was green-faced when other babies slept through the night and mine didn’t. I was envious when I heard of a father who put their son to bed while my husband was barely home.

So I worked on it.

I decided to listen to jealousy to see what good I could take from it. I turned jealousy into goals. And now, whenever I see someone celebrate something I also desire, I celebrate it with them. I deliberately feel genuinely happy for them. And eventually, I achieve what I want.

Because my insecurities and my desires have absolutely nothing to do with anyone else’s success and I have no right inflicting my negative energy on them, even if only inwardly. Being happy for them and myself is much better all-round.

Takeaway

I agree that all parents should be responsible and step up to the role of parents if they keep their children, whether they chose to be parents or not in the first place. The child is the one who’s most affected by his parents’ choices, attitude and behaviour. So, the expectations should be there. But it doesn’t mean we can’t be appreciative of people who meet those expectations.

So, let’s praise everyone who is simply trying.

Let’s praise all the mothers because although the struggles are real, motherhood brings about resilience and utter strength.

Let’s praise the fathers who do everything they can to be there for their families and normalise great fatherhood.

Everyone who works hard for what they want deserves to be acknowledged, and it is not beneficial to anyone to criticise simply because we are jealous. Let’s just be happier for people so that we can also be happy for ourselves.

Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, and motherhood. See more work like this.

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