Jealousy: The Cruel Mistress That We Need to Embrace
How I took control of its presence and used it to my advantage.
Studies have shown that jealousy is closely linked to having low self-esteem, so it is no surprise that I am jealous by nature. I’ve felt a constant sense of deprivation throughout my life.
My husband is the complete opposite to me, but somehow, his self-love did not rub off on me straight away and while I mostly admired it, I did sometimes mistake it for absolute selfishness. This also comes as no shock to me today because I have learned that those who criticise others about their success are usually insecure about themselves. I definitely tick that box.
“The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.” ― Bette Midler
Over the years, however, Devonte challenged my envious streak and forced me to think about how I could work with it if I couldn’t banish it from my mind altogether.
Jealousy Is Not Enough
I realised that being jealous isn’t enough for me. The feeling adds no substance to my life on its own.
The thing about jealousy that’s most annoying is that it does not initiate any further action. It prompts complaint without substance, which is the most self-sabotaging type of behaviour. If at least my jealousy made me want to do something and give me a goal to work towards, I’d thank it. But jealousy is a negative state of being that provokes other negative feelings of self-loathing, and inadequacy.
We think that we are deprived and that the world is unfair because we haven’t achieved what others have. We feel like the world has done a disservice to us because we don’t have the money to buy this or that and we watch green-faced as our friends boast about their new job or car.
Jealousy adds zero value to our state of happiness.
“Anger, resentment and jealousy doesn’t change the heart of others — it only changes yours.”― Shannon Alder
My bitterness was getting me nowhere. I had to stop giving out the negative energy towards those who were doing well and focus on my own issues.
Using Gratitude to Tone Down Jealousy
One of the most talked-about habits in self-improvement is the practice of gratitude, and I absolutely vouch for it. It has helped reduce stress, anxiety, and most of all, the feeling of overwhelming deprivation.
When I started paying more attention to what I have and what I accomplished in life, there was less room to think about the bad. If anything, the negative didn’t seem half as bad, and I felt much more capable of solving any issues I did have.
Healthline confirms that,
“Even appreciating positive things in your life that don’t relate to jealousy can help you realize that, while your life may not be perfect (but whose life is?), you’ve still got some good things going for you.”
Once my jealousy felt manageable, I was able to think rationally about my wants and desires. Did I really need the latest phone? No, my phone worked just fine. But did I want to be financially independent and not have to scrape for pennies at the end of every month? Certainly. I needed not to be jealous of those who gained financial freedom but learn from them.
Jealousy turned into goals, which led to a lot of hard work on my part.
Practising Personal Growth
It’s all well and good knowing what to do during low moments, but it’s a different ball game to actually practice it, and I was put to the test when my husband and I got married.
Our first marital battle arrived just 2 months after exchanging vows when the results of my scan came back. When I found out I had PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) I was devastated.
I grew bitter. I knew what PCOS meant but I needed to do in-depth research to fully understand it. I first became overwhelmed by the effects of it on the body. The biggest one being a struggle conceiving, but other symptoms which I suffered from were weight-gain and growing hair on the side of my thighs.
I would see a pregnant woman and cry inside. Why was the universe showing me a pregnant woman knowing full well my condition that could potentially prevent me from getting pregnant?
I had felt deprived before, but this really stung. I was actually furious — even science was against me. I was a biological anomaly.
Then, I was reminded of gratitude once more. I started to appreciate other aspects of my health — PCOS can sometimes lead to type 2 diabetes and thankfully, I tested negative for it. I was overweight, but not obese, which not only meant that the severity of my condition was lower, but I was also eligible for free fertility treatment in the UK. Lastly, I was physically active and capable of doing more, not restricted by any other health issues.
I checked the statistics and realised that there are solutions and ways to getting pregnant. There is no cure to PCOS, but the various symptoms could be treated naturally and medically.
I started to work on losing weight, help to regulate my hormones, and, hoping to God I would get pregnant.
When I saw other pregnant women, I started to radiate happiness and love for them. I began taking in their glow and thanking the universe for showing me how close I was to pregnancy.
It was no longer a question of “if”, but “when” I would get pregnant.
Within 9 months of being diagnosed with PCOS, we conceived our son, Andriel, naturally. We were just a couple of steps away from starting the first fertility treatments and I felt a sigh of relief, but most of all, a burst of utter happiness.
I stuck my tongue out at jealousy.
Disowning Jealousy
The ultimate win would be for jealousy not to be the first reaction. But, to achieve this requires a stronger mind than the one I have currently, and though I am working on it, I cannot yet preach it.
Instead, I have to recognise when I’m feeling it straight away and make an effort to not engage with it, in the same way you would actively decide not to take an extra piece of cake. It is that same will power that needs exercising, only to stop talking to the inner voice is difficult, because, they are in your head and it is difficult to choose who to listen to when it’s in your head.
The trick here for me was to disown my feeling, contrary to the advice that we own and embrace all our feelings in order to validate them.
If I could think of jealousy as a toxic person I was trying to get away from, I could detach from it.
A study reported in 6seconds.org describes how people perform better when they are able to recognise and name their feelings:
“Naming emotions seems to bridge the gap between thoughts and feelings. The step from “I am this…” to “I am feeling this…”, or even, “Michael is feeling this…” means that we are not that emotion exclusively. And also reminds us that the emotion is temporary.”
I went one step further than just recognising and naming a specific emotion.
Introducing to you, Ursula — my persona for all things negative, including (but not limited to) Worry, Fear, Anxiety, Anger, Guilt, Shame, and Jealousy.
When I get that initial feeling of jealousy, I now picture Ursula.
It works well for me especially because the negative thoughts I have are usually quite repetitive and it has over time become easy to spot. So I think “oh, Ursula is in the room again.” It is much easier to drop her from my mind than it is an abstract feeling, and in fact, quite empowering.
Using Ursula to My Advantage
Ursula put me to the second biggest test when my son was born.
I literally compared every single detail of parenting and babies to us and felt we were somehow not measuring up to standard.
The biggest struggle I have ever had to face in my life was the sleep-deprivation that came with having a newborn. Having no family to look after the baby so that I could catch up on some sleep, and dealing with the bulk of parenting on my own since my husband was back at work, was indeed exhausting, in the truest meaning of the word.
When Andriel was 4.5 months old, I was at my peak of sleep-deprivation, and I kid you not, I’m sure I was close to losing it. I became irritable, angry, forgetful, and all things negative. Andriel was still very much dependent on me to help him fall asleep and woke up 5, 10, 15 times in the night.
Ursula came into the home of my brain and made herself comfortable. She fluffed up her pillows, made herself a cup of tea and started gossiping to me about how all the other mothers out there were so much better than me.
The key here was to go against my gut and follow everyone else’s advice do not compare your kids to others. Sometimes, the best advice is the most common, but the hardest to follow.
However, it was harder to chuck Ursula out of the room because I felt so weak. So instead, I sat down with her and decided to listen, to see if there was anything truly useful that I could take from her cruelty.
At this point, I wanted to be happy in motherhood, and I knew that the first step was to fix our sleep. All her comments about how other people’s babies were sleeping so well in fact fuelled motivation in me to do something about it.
My husband and I decided to sleep-train Andriel, which by the way — fixed pretty much everything in less than 2 weeks. Andriel was an extremely energetic and happy baby, but there was a noticeable difference when he started catching some regular, uninterrupted sleep.
My sleep also improved immediately. I woke up without a cloud over my head. My thoughts were much less blurry, I felt more in control of my actions, and especially, I was more deliberate with them. I had to listen to Jealousy and be selective about what she said so I could be proactive. She whispered about mothers whose kids slept so well they had virtually no struggles at home. This I took with me and made it a personal goal.
But she would tell me how other children were thriving while mine wasn’t — this I discarded, for I knew my son was and is healthy and developing well.
I chose to become proactive from Jealousy. I was not strong enough to totally discard her, but instead, I became a selective listener to her. And when I got what I wanted and felt stronger, I politely thanked her for her input and told her to leave.
Takeaway
Jealousy can be controlled, and it can be toned down so you can take the good from it. Practising gratitude helped me realise that my circumstances are pretty damn good, and the things I complained about were trivial.
Detaching from jealousy (and all things negative) made sense to me. If I no longer owned those feelings, they had no say in who I was.
I used it to help me establish what I wanted and turned it into goals. And when I felt jealousy wasn’t useful, I would turn the other way. During low points, this is much harder to practice, but hopefully, remembering to detach helps others to become more proactive about their feelings.
There are some valid points from jealousy that we can use to establish our wants and desires. But there are also times when the negativity brings absolutely nada to the table and we have to just ignore it like we would a toxic person.
I find that asking myself what I can gain from it helps me tell the difference and act accordingly. Hopefully, this article can help you as well.
Sylvia Emokpae is passionate about self-love and motherhood. See more work like this.