The Biggest Challenge of Motherhood

How I get through it every day.

We all know what the dishevelled look is of a new mother — the tired shadow around her eyes; the weight-gain; the weight-loss; the messy hair bun; the sick stain on our sweaters.

We know what new mothers endure physically — the bleeding; the sleep-deprivation; the hair-loss; the hormone changes.

And we know the good things we feel as new mothers — the bursting love for our newborn baby to say the least.

But our identity?

Our Bodies Take a Hit, Our Minds Take a Pounding

I felt like my whole self had been hit with a wrecking ball and rebuilt by Picasso.

I was overwhelmingly excited. Every time I heard that cry coming out of the Moses basket, I felt a pang of joy and my breasts would start throbbing, knowing it was time to breastfeed my baby and get some skin-to-skin contact.

My family were all here to help out for the first week of Andriel’s birth, so everybody took well-earned turns to snuggle with the baby. I remember an amazing 2-hour nap I took while my sister and her daughter took Andriel out for a nice walk to the park outside our house.

I was riding through motherhood just fine and then it was just Devonte and I alone with our son.

The sleep deprivation kicked in pretty soon for us both. But Devonte was used to late nights and early wake-ups, so he seemed to be bossing the night feeds and cuddles with Andriel.

I, however, stumbled. I started talking in my sleep and experiencing mummy brain moments where I would toss a diaper in the laundry basket, or I would go out to meet a friend and drive in the wrong direction.

I felt lost all the time.

I became irritable and grumpy.

There were days I couldn’t face going out because I knew I looked awful. There were days I forced myself to go out because I knew I would go insane otherwise.

Even going to the supermarket became an extraordinary event I both dreaded and looked forward to.

Anxiety made an appearance a few times, too, especially at night. I had floods of self-doubt and intrusive thoughts I couldn’t seem to shake.

Fear that I wasn’t doing something right.

Fear that the struggles would never end.

Fear that I would resent my husband who seemed to be swimming through fatherhood and still getting promoted at work and managing to keep up with life socially.

Worst of all, fear that I would resent my son one day for putting me through such changes.

I found myself questioning my feelings as a mother. I felt so happy and the reason was obvious, but my negative feelings were also loud and I was confused.

How I could feel the mix of emotions at the same time was something I had to explore deeply, so I could figure out what to do with them.

Getting to K̶n̶o̶w̶ Like the New Me

The rush of conflicting emotions, of frustration and joy, of anger and happiness, sent me on a journey of self-reflection that I will never cease to be grateful for.

Despite all my negative feelings, the ones I got at night, I would often be comforted by my son’s hand caressing my cheek as I breastfed him to sleep.

It was as if he was speaking to me, loving me, and that was a reminder that, no matter what, he was all I needed to truly care about. For as long as he was fine, I was doing alright, and nothing else could be that important. Yes, anxiety, visited me, but so did the reality of true comfort.

My identity shattered into a thousand pieces like a broken bowl when I became a mother. However, like how the Japanese often repair pottery with dusted gold, thus adding to its history and value, that is how I see my identity today. I cracked a little bit, but slowly, the experiences of life since being a mother have made me stronger, more resilient, and empowered.

I feel more precious than ever before.

I began to like myself again. I began to choose to do things for myself because I knew that in order to be the best mum, I needed to be the best me.

Motherhood Vs Feminism

I was loving motherhood and I didn’t want to do anything else.

I had planned on going back to work a few months after having Andriel but I surprised myself. Before having our son, the idea of leaving him with a childminder didn’t phase me. I imagined myself dropping him off every day and picking him up after work.

I found myself desiring more than anything to try out being a stay-at-home-mother after my maternity leave ended and completely contradicting my pre-motherhood persona.

It was a strange feeling to admit that I no longer wanted to uphold the choice so many women before me fought for to go back to work. However, it was also hard to admit that I truly wanted to stay at home, because this image is often attached to the picture of an oppressed woman who isn’t inspired to do something with her mind.

I had to work on being OK with wanting to stay at home, and this shocked me.

Women everywhere have choices, and this is progress. However, the woman in me still feels the need to justify myself. I didn’t know at first whether this was a manifestation of my anxiety and my own insecurities, or whether it forms part of a bigger issue within society, where women are still heavily oppressed.

I think it’s a combination of both — I still hold myself responsible for my thoughts and feelings but nurture plays a part in everyone’s upbringing and identity-forming.

I Did not Sacrifice Anything For My Son — I Invested

The journey of getting to know my son is one I will never regret choosing over my career.

I didn’t sacrifice my job and my time to be a full-time mother — I am not doing my son any favours that he will owe me when he grows up. I will never ask him to appreciate what I have done for him.

I invested my all into him because I wanted to.

Besides, it is because of this choice that I was pushed in a different direction career-wise, and I am not sure I would’ve even considered it had I gone back to my old job.

My Therapy

I have been writing consistently for months and I cannot imagine not writing ever again.

It is the therapy of writing down my feelings that now, I welcome anxiety as a new opportunity to get to know myself better. It is my coping mechanism for all things negative, and it is liberating.

This has opened up a channel of communication with myself that I will never take back. It has helped me to learn how to articulate myself clearly not just with myself, but with others, too. If I can describe my feelings and learn to cope with them in a proactive way, I can share my learning with others and hope that they can relate.

Takeaway

It is my aim to bring awareness.

Awareness that motherhood, and parenthood, is not about making sacrifices for as long as we take every challenge as an opportunity to learn.

It is about investing in our family. Investing love, time, and being true to each other about what we want.

I could have easily dwelled on my negative emotions and become depressed. I could’ve gone down that path and been so consumed that I didn’t enjoy being a mother. I feel deep empathy for those who are stuck in their own sadness for I have felt it, too, and still do, sometimes.

I’m not a trained psychiatrist, but I know fear all too well — and I also know joy, now, and because I’ve been on both sides of the fence, I’d like to tell everyone who is struggling that there is a way out. You just have to want to get out and make the concerted effort in your mind to change, somehow.

It is not ok not to be ok. I don’t support that saying anymore.

All our feelings are valid, yes, but we shouldn’t just accept misery.

It is ok to recognise that you are not ok. In fact, that’s a really good step towards change.

Turn your negativity around by doing something with it — your kids will thank you.

Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love and motherhood. See more work like this.

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