Smug Parents: You’re Not The Problem
Here is why I’ll wear the smug parent badge proudly.
I was a smug-parent hater. When I became a mother, I was emotional at best and at worst. I compared every teeny detail of my son and his growth to everyone else’s baby. I was consumed with worry about whether he was healthy and growing at the “right” speed. If he didn’t roll over as quickly as BillyJoe next door, I couldn’t help but ask myself whether something was wrong with my son.
I struggled with motherhood in the first few months because I was unhappy with myself. In actual fact, my unhappiness had nothing to do with my son. My son beamed joy in me, and I loved him from the moment I knew I was pregnant. If anything, he was one of the only good parts of my life for some time before I started really working on my mental wellbeing.
It was when I began taking care of myself that everything seemed to fall into place. When I worked on being organized and taking some time out, I felt absolutely cut out to be a mother and a woman in today’s world.
What does my happiness have to do with being smug, though?
Well, it was my own insecurities that caused me to compare myself to those who I labelled smug in the first place.
Nothing is wrong with my son. I am eternally grateful for this. He is healthy, he is growing well, and he is thriving. I had to stop being paranoid about the smallest of things and start enjoying the journey rather than breathing a sigh of relief when he reached each milestone.
Self-Care Takes Care of Others
In the same way that negative energy spreads like wildfire, so does a happy person. My son is the happiest little boy I know, and it is contagious. There isn’t a single day that we haven’t smiled or laughed. I learned to cherish and focus on those moments above the more challenging ones, and I found that my own perspective changed.
Circumstances change when our view of the changes.
I learned to celebrate my son. I learned to celebrate myself.
So now, I may come across as a smug parent because I am genuinely happy as a mother to my wonderful son, and I don’t hide it.
I Am A Smug Parent, and I’m Proud
I am officially on the side of smug parents. And now I see why they even exist.
Because I have learned to love myself truly, I feel emotionally empowered. I post cute pictures of my son online, and I write about parenting and the life-changing lessons that come with it, hoping that mothers who are struggling can also improve their mental health.
If someone asks whether my son sleeps well, my eyes beam with excitement at how my son sleeps beautifully and why. This might have mostly made people happy for me, at least on the surface, but I’m sure there has been at least one who has rolled their eyes. And that’s OK.
But that’s not for me to deal with.
I’m proud of my son for letting me shower while he chills on the floor in the bathroom every morning. I’m proud of him for playing independently while I get some housework done or cook a lasagne from scratch without a tantrum.
I’m proud of my son and myself for working so hard at being organized and managing to keep up with life. I’m proud for finding ways to write 10 articles a month and make money from them while still looking after my son full-time.
Of course, I have struggled, and I still struggle today, like every other person in the world. Nobody escapes struggle. But we can choose what we focus on, and I choose to focus on the good more.
Does this make me a smug parent? Then I’ll wear the badge proudly.
Why should parents face judgment because they’re happy? Or because they’re proud of their kids?
Should we tone down our enthusiasm about the greatest and biggest gift to ever have received, a precious part of you that becomes its own separate entity for us to cherish and nurture and love?
Nope.
The Smug Parent Is Not The Culprit
The truth is, there are only as many smug parents as you’ll choose because that number is relative.
It is based on the fact that others don’t appreciate or feel intimidated/jealous by parents who seem to have got it together and show off their perfect kids. Either they are struggling parents waiting their turn at being smug one day, even if unknowingly, or they are childless and bored to death about hearing about our precious miracles. Neither of whom I blame at all, for I have been both.
There is a notion that if you feel your child has somehow changed your personality and made you feel fulfilled, then you are labeled “smug.” In that case, sign me up and send me the Smug Parent membership package!
An article in The Guardian, written by a childless man in 2005, explains the various reasons why smug parents are disliked, particularly by childless people. He talks about a professor of sociology at Kent University, Frank Furedi, who says that parents and the child-free have been “polarised”:
‘People are starting to ask why a colleague should get preferential treatment just because they have kids. ‘Why should they be able to leave earlier because they have a kid, or be allowed to work more flexible hours when they wouldn’t necessarily get to leave early to look after a pet that might be very important to them, for example?’
The author of the article actually says this is a good point. I see the point, but I’m afraid I have to disagree with it at all. Only a childless man would compare taking care of kids to taking care of pets. I do not need to name why it is a bad argument, even though I love my cats.
I believe it is right for parents to get preferential treatment to take care of their children, not least because our children are the next generation that will take over the economy one day. Pets will not take over the world, no matter how hard my cats keep plotting their escape and conquer as I type this very sentence.
It reminds me of the statement an idiot acquaintance once made to me about how maternity leave was like a really long paid holiday. Of course, a man said this, a childless one at that. And I don’t know about you, but I cannot care about his opinions after that comment.
Takeaway
When my son was first born, I cried for about a week straight. Yes, hormones played a part. But I tell you, I have never, ever felt such an intense emotion of gratitude in my life. I remember holding my baby while crying tears of joy and whispering “thank you” at every opportunity. Suffering from PCOS was not a barrier for me, and I will be eternally grateful for that.
If being happy and loud about our kids makes us all smug parents, we should take that as a compliment rather than an insult.
Sylvia Emokpae is passionate about self-love and motherhood. See more work like this.