Covid-19 is Sabotaging My Confidence

Going back to normal just seems unrealistic.

I’m 6 months pregnant.

In the UK, pregnant women have been told that it’s safe to get the vaccine against Covid-19.

I’m also half Spanish, and I get regular updates from my family in Spain about what they’re saying is safe. At the moment, it is not advised for pregnant women to get vaccinated in Spain. In Germany, where one of my best friends lives, they’re not allowing it at all.

Yet, all the governments made their decisions based on the same information released by the WHO organization.

The differences of opinion and vastly opposing rules and guidelines make me question the integrity of each.

Nothing Is Concrete

I understand that every decision that governments make is subjective, and I have always tried to make my own decisions to the best of mine and everyone’s interests around me. But in the case of science, which should be seen as more objective and concrete, in reality, it is not.

They shoot in general directions using deductive reasoning from previous experiments; research; trial; and hope for the best.

My confidence is buried under the sand. I feel like I’m gambling with mine and my unborn baby’s life, not to mention my 2-year-old toddler’s life if god forbid, my decision causes the short-term unavailability of his mother or worse.

Not only would I be potentially putting our health at risk by getting the vaccine because of its unknown effects short and long term on me and the baby.

Me not getting the vaccine makes me feel reckless — like I’m daring fate. Because we know that pregnant women are more at risk of getting severe symptoms of the damn thing.

The timing of this is incredible. Today is the day the UK fully lifted its restrictions, July 19, making me feel even more vulnerable as I walked my son into daycare this morning.

Of course, I’ll carry on wearing a mask even though I’m no longer required to, but knowing that most people will celebrate and burn their masks makes me feel somewhat isolated.

I can’t take advantage of the vaccine, and I can’t enjoy the freedom we all so crave because the virus is still here. Thousands of cases are being reported daily in the country, yet the economy seems to be more important. Clubbing and concerts take precedent.

Who Do I Trust?

The same government lifting the restrictions today, despite strong advice not to, is encouraging pregnant women to get the vaccine despite there being no research on its safety, efficacy, and side effects.

What factors do I consider to make a sound decision? No matter what, there are flaws to my thinking at best, with potentially devastating consequences on either spectrum of my decision-making at worst.

My instinct has no idea where to lean and has taken the bench.

I cannot trust anyone, not even myself. The fear of being judged no matter what decision I make is the least of my worries but still present nevertheless. I get asked daily whether I have been vaccinated or what my stance on it is, and I just don’t feel comfortable talking about it. So, I’m doing nothing.

I Want To Enjoy My Pregnancy

At a time when hormones are rising high for me and support is vital, I am not able to take advantage of it. I feel in a constant conflict as to whether or not to look after my mental health and socialize despite the increased risk. Yet, the prospect of socializing is also giving me anxiety and playing with my mental health. It’s like I can’t win.

This, added to the fact that my family lives abroad and the rules on people entering the UK are still strict make life confusing at best. But yet, thousands gathered at football stadiums and pretended that everything is normal.

Life is not normal to me – I haven’t seen my parents in a year. I am planning a home birth because we can’t solely rely on the fact that my parents will be able to enter the UK to look after our son when I go into labour with our second child.

Of course, we have friends who will, I’m sure, take our son if absolutely necessary when I’m in labour, but it’s not the ideal scenario. It’s not the dream birth I have. It’s not the circumstances I want my son to be in as his little brother enters the world.

Things could be worse. I understand this. I cherish the fact I’m healthy and statistics are on my side should I get the virus. I appreciate that I’m in a position where I have the choice to be vaccinated or not, and isolate or not. I’m grateful for the fact that so far, we have been extremely lucky.

But I still feel anxious.

Final Thoughts

This is not the end to the Covid-19 chapter for the world. I won’t be surprised if we have another lockdown and all restrictions are put in place again. I hate being part of an experiment the government is conducting in the UK by letting everyone loose without protection, literally.

But yet, how much can I control? How much should I worry?

For now, I’ll go to sleep reading my affirmations and listing my thank you’s, in the hope that it’ll be enough to keep me safe.

Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love, relationships, and motherhood. See more work like this.

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