When Going No Contact with a Narcissist, Do You Send a Goodbye Message?

It seems rude to just walk away…

Saying goodbye sounds like the mature, responsible thing to do, doesn’t it? It’s what you’d want from a partner.

You’d want…

• An understanding of why the relationship is ending
• An opportunity to say your peace
• Validation of your feelings
• A loving moment to remember the good times
• Communication about returning each other’s things, cancelling vacation plans, how to handle your mutual friend’s upcoming wedding

More than anything, you’d want closure.

It’s easy to assume the narcissist wants those things, too. You project your wants and needs onto them.

The narcissist doesn’t want any of these things

They want narcissistic supply and to preserve their persona. They may also want some of your resources, financial or otherwise.

To get supply, the narcissist wants attention, validation, respect, admiration, a sense of superiority, power, and/or control.

A goodbye message, well-intentioned as it may be, makes them feel criticized, rejected, humiliated, and abandoned. It causes narcissistic injury, which is quickly replaced with narcissistic rage.

The narcissist’s self-esteem falls, and they become emotionally dysregulated. At this point they may say and do horrible things with no memory of them later. This moment is extremely dangerous.

Your trauma bond puts you at risk

You love the narcissist. Or even if you no longer feel love, you are deeply trauma bonded. You want them to learn and grow from their mistakes. You want them to be happy with someone in the future.

You want to have this conversation, so you can “help” them. You want to help them…

• See their disorder and seek help
• Understand how they hurt you
• Become a better person

While these intentions may be noble, they are misguided. You are unable to help them with any of those things.

Let’s be honest.

A part of you also wants them to prove you wrong, wants them to tell you they love you and will change, wants to believe that it’s possible.

It’s not.

Even if the narcissist is capable of change with extensive therapy, they will not change in their relationship with you. Read that again.

You both have history — a history of devaluation, deception, and dismissal. Your patterns are engrained so deeply, neither of you can break them.

You are a victim of the narcissist’s abuse

Contact, whether through a goodbye message or other means, not only opens the door, but it also invites further abuse.

You give them attention by reaching out, unintentionally inflict narcissistic injury, then are surprised and hurt when they react with venom.

This is a predictable outcome and a very dangerous play.

Remember the childhood bully?

Suppose, every day the neighborhood bully beats you up on your way home from school. You get home and decide you’ve had enough. You head over to the bully’s house, ring the doorbell, and say that you’ll be taking a different route home from now on. You no longer wish to be assaulted every day.

Do you believe the bully will…

• Understand?
• Apologize?
• Validate your feelings and concerns?
• Take your feedback to heart and make meaningful change?

Or do you think the bully will take the opportunity to pound you again?

No contact means no contact

Going no contact means ending all contact. It’s a manner of self-protection, of prioritizing your own well-being, of drawing a firm line in the sand.

It is the first step in breaking your trauma bond, confronting your cognitive dissonance, and ending your devaluation and abandonment of yourself.

Don’t give your abuser another opportunity to abuse you.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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