Social Skills Advice For Neurotypicals
Communication skills are really lacking in the NT community
Ok, Neurotypicals (NTs):
Some of you are nice people, but you need help with your social skills, so I’m going to give you my top three tips to help you improve your communication. (You’re welcome).
This whole “respectful” communication thing has gone way too far. Many NTs have been socialized and taught that nice is more important than honest, clear, and authentic.
The pendulum has swung too far, my friends. You NTs need to reel that shit in as soon as possible.
Tip #1: You’re allowed to ask for what you want
(and it’s probably not very effective to just hint and hope others can read your mind)
I promise you, it’s not rude to directly ask for what you want. Go ahead, give it a try and see what happens.
If you want to ask someone a favour, just come right out and ask. Don’t hint around until they offer, so it feels more comfortable for you because it feels like it was their idea.
It wasn’t.
As I see it, there are three probable scenarios:
- They know what you’re doing, and they’re playing along by offering, so they would have said yes if you had asked them directly in the first place. It’s a little insulting to play games with people and manipulate them rather than being transparent.
- They know what you’re doing and wanted to say no, but felt backed into a corner (or felt obligated). They said yes because they didn’t want to say no, but they really would have preferred to.
- They don’t pick up on your hints, have no idea that you’re trying to ask for something. You think they have gotten the hint and aren’t offering because they want to say no, and if you ask the answer will be no, so you don’t ask.
It’s a lot more respectful of the person’s intelligence and autonomy to simply ask them and give them space to say yes or no, whichever they would truly prefer.
Tip #2: You’re allowed to say no if your answer is ‘no’
(In fact, it’s a lot kinder to just say ‘no’ off the hop, rather than hem and haw and pretend you want to while mentally searching for reasons why you can’t)
On the flip-side, if someone asks you to do something and you definitely don’t want to or can’t, just tell them so. It’s okay to say “sorry, I’m not available” or “no thank you” (amend as appropriate to the situation).
Playing this game of saying, “welllllllllll….” and dancing around saying no, promising you’ll check your schedule and get back to them, or some other indirect form of trying to communicate your preference without actually saying ‘no’ — is similarly insulting.
Give people the benefit of the doubt that they can handle being told ‘no’ without thinking less of you or having a tantrum about it.
It’s a lot better to give (and receive) a firm, clear response right away so they can explore other options instead of being led to believe you’re “thinking about it” only to have you bow out at the last minute because you couldn’t bring yourself to say ‘no’.
Tip #3: Disagreeing is not the same as arguing
This whole respectful communication thing has gone too far. It’s gotten to the point where people are afraid to disagree with one another, for fear of being seen as “argumentative”.
Some NTs are afraid to even have and express opinions! I’ve had people back down from a respectful difference of opinion, saying they “don’t want to argue”. Well, why the hell not?!
One of the definitions of argue is:
“To give reasons or cite evidence in support of an idea, action, or theory, typically with the aim of persuading others to share one’s view.”
What’s wrong with that?
Look, I know I can get a little excited about things, and sometimes I come across more intense than I intend — but what’s wrong with being passionate about something? Why are people afraid of debate? It’s fun and you might learn something.
I’m not talking about the forms of debate we typically see on the Internet which quickly devolve into personal attacks, name calling, and the like. I’m referring to mutually respectful exchanges of ideas and opinions, learning from one another, and providing evidence to support one’s point of view.
Lagging skills
These are important skills which our children (and many adults) are lacking because they’re taught to follow directions, do what they’re told, and not question authority.
That’s a lot of bullshit. Authority is often stupid. Rules are often arbitrary and meaningless. Following blindly leads people into trouble. We need to remember how to think for ourselves, speak for ourselves, and accept that there will always be differences of opinion.
We need to say what we mean and mean what we say, and respect our fellow humans enough to give them the truth.
Remember when we used to teach children that diversity is beautiful, and it would be boring if everyone thought the same? Yeah, it is. Homogeneity is boring AF, so cut that shit out right now.
Love, me. (You can thank me later).
© Jillian Enright, Neurodiversity MB
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