Resolving Limerent Tendencies
I experienced limerence several times and am resolving my confusion and embarrassment about it
Limerence is an infatuation or obsession with someone, according to Marissa Moore. It starts out as a romantic attraction, which involuntarily crosses into intrusive thoughts, fantasies, and ruminations about the person. People caught up in limerence find themselves unable to stop thinking of the other person to the point it interferes with their life, work, and social life. Other symptoms include mental compulsions of constantly reviewing conversations and past events involving the object of interest. The person experiencing limerence may develop “magical thinking” by telling themselves stories about their object of interest. Limerence is not an action someone chooses to take; it is a condition that happens to people who suffered severe childhood neglect wounds. Limerence compensates for a person’s inability to connect with others (romantic interests and otherwise). Thus, the solution to resolving limerence is to start to connect with people again.
I experienced limerence several times in my life. It happened when I was unable to move on from a breakup or found myself facing difficult life situations at work and in my personal life. I would be caught up in fantasies because I was unable to experience the real thing or because reality was so unpleasant that I needed to mentally escape. It was like getting caught up in a whirlwind. After reality hit me and I realized what was happening, I was embarrassed that I had made other people uncomfortable with my obsessiveness. Most of the time, it worked out fine and I was still able to be friends, or at least on friendly terms, with the other person. I didn’t tell other people about what I was going through because I found it embarrassing. Finally, after finding resources to help me process what I went through and why I’m ready and able to put these incidents behind me. Every dysfunctional thing I did, I did because I needed love and I was lonely. I finally understand that it isn’t my fault I experienced this.
After one traumatic breakup, I was stuck on someone for a few years. I still hung onto the hope that my ex and I would be able to get back together again in the back of my mind. While I went on dates with other men, those dates didn’t lead anywhere. I continued to think about my ex every day and had trouble moving on and coping with my grief and distress over the end of the relationship. I was constantly ruminating about our relationship and reliving our good moments. The dynamic started to cross into limerence; I was thinking about it obsessively. We did try to get back together again once, although that was heart-wrenching for me as he said it was too painful for him to be with me and we ended the relationship again. I wanted him to fight for me, say that he could overcome his fear of divorce to be with me. That never happened.
After our second break up, I would reach out occasionally to catch up, usually when I was facing some life transitions. We didn’t see each other again. However, he remained in the back of my mind. I still thought of him as the “love of my life” for a while until I fully accepted that he wasn’t the right match for me because he didn’t choose to be with me. When I was finally ready to meet someone new and truly move on with my life, I was able to let go of my mental ties to my ex, the false notion that he was “the one,” and any potential reunions. I bid him goodbye in my head and shed a few tears. Then I pushed forward and was able to build a loving, healthy relationship with an emotionally healthy person. I still thought of my ex from time to time. With more time in my new relationship, I thought of my ex less and less until he became something of the past.
In between my breakup and new stable relationship, I experienced a few other short-lived limerent episodes as I was dating. These episodes followed a pattern. I would meet someone I thought was attractive and quickly develop an obsession. The person I was fixated on was not emotionally available but I didn’t notice. I would make up stories about how they were jealous about seeing me with other people and give meaning to random events through “magical thinking.” I would tell myself they were following me around when they weren’t. We would spend time together in platonic ways but I interpreted them as being romantic interactions. There were instances when reality started to seep in and I wondered if I was wrong in what I was thinking, especially when I tried to explain my thoughts to friends and they didn’t understand. However, I chose to ignore the signs and continue living in my fantasy. This continued on until I decided to ask the person of interest out and they said no. In several instances, I started making the other person uncomfortable and they called me out on it. That was my wake-up call. Even after being rejected, I was tempted to reach out every once in a while. I finally rid myself of this fixation by deleting the person’s phone number, effectively cutting contact.
These incidents were embarrassing for me. I sat with the shame of what I did for a while and didn’t tell anyone the full story until a couple of years later. However, the bright side is these incidents made me realize that there were some deep-seated issues I was facing when it came to relationships. I had started to work on them in therapy but stopped after a few sessions. The limerence incidents gave me the impetus to get back into therapy and commit to it until I healed myself once and for all. I told myself I would put myself in therapy until I was able to get out of these destructive patterns. It took many years of regularly scheduled therapy, self-reflection, and healing, and I was finally able to overcome my biggest issues. The limerence incidents also signaled to me that I was not getting my emotional needs met and I needed to find that for myself.
When discussing the incidents with my therapist and the shame surrounding them, she reminded me to show myself grace. I shared that part of my embarrassment came from a notion I had that I should not have experienced limerence incidents as a young adult because I was too old for them. However, I now know that limerence can happen to people of any age, even people in their 60s! Thus, I don’t need to feel ashamed about what I went through and how I felt. I was also humiliated that I made others uncomfortable, even though I rationally knew that it probably wasn’t a big deal for the other parties and they have likely already forgotten about it. My therapist reminded me that at least it didn’t reach the point of a big blow up and I was able to patch things up with all parties for the most part. I was reassured after discussing it with her.
“Every bad thing I’ve ever done, every dysfunctional thing I ever did, I did because I needed love and I was lonely.” — Crappy Childhood Fairy
Perhaps instead of feeling shame about making others uncomfortable, I can show myself grace for how much pain I was in and how I needed love and was lonely. Whatever I did, I did it in an effort to give myself some comfort in the midst of my pain. I unconsciously developed these coping mechanisms in order to survive my tough conditions. In essence, I was saving myself. That is not something I need to be ashamed of. At the same time, limerence is involuntary and thus not my fault. It is not something I chose for myself. Unfortunately, at the time I had never heard of the term limerence. It is not often portrayed in TV or movies so I didn’t have a model for what I was experiencing. That contributed to the shame I felt about what I was going through as I thought I was experiencing something completely unique because there was something wrong with me. In fact, limerence is a common occurrence among childhood PTSD victims.
My therapist pointed out there were likely good elements of my relationship with these men which were positive to begin with, and that’s why I liked them to begin with. One person of interest was kind and reminded me of my father, who I missed tremendously at the time. It was also likely that I could not handle a romantic relationship at that time and that’s why I unconsciously chose to “love someone from afar.” I had chances to spend time with these people and sometimes chose to turn down invitations and run away instead. I carried shame in me about my lack of healthy relationships. Shame told me that I didn’t have the skills necessary to have a good romantic relationship and that I was not worthy of having one. This emotional wound only contributed further to limerence.
“Psychotherapy helps people understand ‘Oh my goodness, that is terrible, what happened to me. And I need to take care of the wounds inside of myself. This issue of self-compassion and really knowing that your reactions are understandable is a terribly important part of beginning to recover from trauma.’ ” — Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score
Limerence kept me from living the life I really wanted. Being caught in limerence meant I was not spending time in a healthy relationship, healing my trauma wounds, and developing skills that I missed out on the chance of developing earlier in life. When I finally woke up from limerence, I was able to do the active work of healing. It was grueling, painful, and slow; I cried a lot. Many many days. I felt like I was recovering from deep and old pain and it often took several days to fully process a single painful memory or moment. However, I could tell that I was healing and I felt lighter after every painful emotional wound I healed from. After a few years of therapy and healing, I started making some big changes in my life. That’s how I was able to have an emotionally healthy relationship instead of falling into limerence again. I got over my fear of potentially running into limerence again because I understood what it was and how it happened now. I was also able to develop a strong emotional support system around me to cure the loneliness that previously always haunted me and prevent me from falling into this dysfunctional dynamic again. It was very tough, but digging into this painful part of my past helped me to finally understanding it. That gives me hope for the future.