How I’m Fixing Disrespect in Relationships
I’ve let disrespectful behaviors slowly sabotage my relationships in the past. Not anymore!
“How does it feel when your feelings are run over like that?” I pictured a truck with big wheels driving over me.
“I feel mute. Like I said something but it didn’t make a difference. I was ignored.” I told my therapist.
“And how’s that?” she replied.
“I feel angry and powerless. Like I want to go up to the person and shout, ‘Hey! Listen to me!’”
Respect is the most important ingredient in romantic relationships, yet I find many examples of disrespect in my relationships, romantic or otherwise. Most of the time, the disrespecter isn’t being malicious. They may just be self-centered and unaware of how their actions affect others. Other times, they are so bent on getting their way that they ignore others. According to Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend, when confronted with a “no,” a respectful person will listen, negotiate, and come to a compromise. A disrespecter will try to change the “no” to a “yes.” I know I have done that before. Being disrespected usually leaves the person on the receiving end feeling controlled, neglected, and injured by the person who doesn’t care about their needs or feelings. Having been both the disrespecter and the receiver, I resolved to address some of my problematic behavior and speak up when it happened to me.
I first started with myself, as I believe my capacity to respect myself plays a big part in determining whether I can respect others. When I have a healthy relationship with myself, I set boundaries to protect my time and energy. I treat myself well, listening when my body tells me I’m tired, hungry, angry, and I act accordingly to give myself the help and care I need. I try to eat healthy food because I feel better when I do, not because I’m being influenced by fashion magazines or the media. I listen to my instincts about what is good and harmful to me and adjust my environment to be full of supportive people. When I respect myself, I feel calm, collected, and safe. From there, I can extend respect and trust to others.
“You get respect by respecting yourself. When you respect yourself, you teach others to respect you too.” — Angie Graves
I knew I was being disrespectful in my past relationships. I knew on an unconscious level that I was slowly sabotaging my romantic relationships by acting this way. It contributed to my fear of being left. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to stop or change it. I was too caught up in my insecurities to be able to work on this issue. I would encroach on others’ free time and become upset when they didn’t choose to spend time with me. I’d withdraw or find other ways to subtly diminish the other person’s freedom out of my fear. Other times, I’d be in too much of a rush and gloss over issues that should have been discussed and worked out. I felt too scared of upsetting the other person or opening an unpleasant can of worms, so I avoided bringing up some of the awkward, but necessary conversations.
Thankfully, the opposite is also true. When I engage in respectful behavior and avoid disrespectful gestures, I feel more secure. I know I’m cherishing the person and making them feel better about themselves, me, and the two of us together. I’m making the other person feel seen, heard, and validated. I feel that boundaries are respected between me and the other person and we make a point to ensure that happens continually. I find I can trust more easily because I feel safer in the relationship. Neither person leaves the other hanging. It’s taken me a while, but I think I’ve finally managed to wrap my arms around the topic of respect and develop some healthier habits.
“Respectful people don’t lose respect over time, they increase it. As the relationship deepens, the respectful person is connected with that much more of the person, and respects those additional parts of the person. They may become more comfortable and casual, but they still care about the feelings of the other person. This is a character trait. It is stable and does not depend on situations.” — Dr. Cloud & Dr. Townsend
I didn’t have a good model of a respectful relationship when I was growing up. My parents disrespect each other in a myriad of ways, some very obvious and others that were subtle. I absorbed many of their bad habits, like cutting each other off mid-sentence and being domineering through disrespecting the other’s decisions and boundaries. I have encountered plenty of examples of disrespectful behavior in my life at work, within my friendships, and watching others’ romantic relationships. I have had dates who made sarcastic comments out of disrespect for my preferences. Some of my friends told me their significant other lied to them. Another couple mocked each other constantly and created a toxic environment around them.
Disrespect comes in many forms. I’ve experienced it as criticism, teasing that is closer to mockery than light-hearted poking fun, and being avoided. I’ve experienced being “run over” by someone else’s demands when there is a disagreement because the person is not mature enough to come to a compromise. There have been several situations when others have directly violated one of my boundaries after I have explicitly said “no.” They continued to do something that I found hurtful, even after I told them how it affected me and I asked them to stop. I have experienced it with friends who simply do not comprehend why this is such a big deal. Unfortunately, my parents were quite controlling and I find the feeling of being “run over” very triggering. For me, it is quite a big deal.
I can sometimes fall into the bad habit of criticizing others and myself in my head. Once, I did an exercise when I noted and recorded every instance when the critical inner voice popped up in my head and made a comment on someone. It happened seven times over two days. That is quite a lot! The critical thoughts were generally related to intimacy, romantic relationships, and doubts about my worthiness. Not only did I make critical comments in my head, I was also more likely to display disrespectful behavior to the person I was thinking about shortly after I had the critical thoughts. For example, if I had the thought that my date was not spending enough time with me, I was more likely to ignore them in return. This led to unhealthy cycles of distancing behavior which drove a wedge between me and the other person.
Respecting another person’s privacy and independence, trusting them, is another form of respect. I’m not proud to say that I’ve snooped on ex-boyfriends’ messages before. I was driven by a sense of insecurity back then, which was likely related to my anxious attachment style. It could be said that I couldn’t trust my partners, out of fear of being abandoned, and a lack of confidence in myself. This happened even when I knew intellectually that the person was trustworthy. The inability to trust led me to cross boundaries of respecting privacy. With one ex-boyfriend who made me feel insecure, I felt like I had to know all the people he was spending time with. In hindsight, it was a glaring sign the two of us were not compatible. Although I was wrong for not respecting boundaries, his behaviors led me to feel unsafe, which is what triggered my boundary-crossing in the first place.
An extension of respecting a partner’s independence is being able to accept them as they are and not trying to change their behavior. My parents always made comments on my habits (they were not always helpful). I carried that negative behavior into my romantic relationships which garnered some unpleasant reactions. I think I made them feel unappreciated or like I was embarrassed by them when I made comments on their behavior. Sometimes, the reverse happened when someone commented on my behavior. It always made me self-conscious. When I think back on it, some of the comments were rather unnecessary. In the grand scheme of things, those small things (such as the type of clothes my date was wearing) didn’t matter and weren’t worth stressing over anyway. Part of respecting someone is what I discover about them as I get to know them, not judging them or asking them to change.
It was the same when it came to my partner’s time. In the past, I had some issues with letting partners pursue their dreams and go about their day as they wished. I would want to know what they’re doing all the time. I felt like I needed to hear from them at all times and got upset if they took too long to respond to my messages. It’s reasonable to expect some timely responses, but I found that I was jumping to conclusions too early and often. The relationship was not at stake as often as I thought. I simply overreacted too many times by jumping to that conclusion. I’ve since learned to be more secure and give much more breathing space to my partners. I managed to feel more secure and have developed a fuller life that keeps me occupied. When I had other engaging things going on in my life, I felt less compelled to always have someone there with me.
I started to observe couples who had respectful relationships to see what I could learn from them. Sometimes the smallest details such as how couples talk to each other or make small gestures to support each other reveal a lot. These small gestures make a big difference. Respectful partners hear and value each other’s opinions. When there are disagreements, the difference in opinion is validated. They regard each other’s feelings. They respect each other’s time, energy, and sexual boundaries. When two people in a relationship respect each other, they feel they can be free to be who they are. They can be honest about how they feel and still feel safe and connected.
What about the people in my life who continue to disrespect me? Some of them are family members, some friends, and in other areas of my life. I choose to be confident in how I am respecting myself and set boundaries with these people. Sometimes I was met with defensiveness. Others shut down and change the conversation topic. Still others simply ignored what I said and kept doing what they wanted to do (e.g. “ran over my feelings”). I took note of these behaviors and insisted on my boundaries. Most people get the message after a while and adjust their behavior accordingly. Other times push comes to shove. Always, I remember that the reward of being respected is why I am putting in the effort to have the difficult and (sometimes) awkward conversations. I’m doing it because I think it’s worth it.
“If you asked me and my husband today what we believe is the key to our relationship, the answer would be vulnerability, love, humor, respect, shame-free fighting, and blame-free living.” — Brené Brown, Daring Greatly