Work Hardships I’ve Overcome

I struggled with confidence at work early in my career due to confusing ideas and an unsupportive home environment.

I started out my professional career very confused. I didn’t know what type of job I wanted to do or was good at, and allowed my father to dictate what were “acceptable” positions for me. I ended up taking jobs that were not a good fit for me and then was surprised when I didn’t do well in them, nor did I enjoy them. It wasn’t until I had a chance to explore different career options on my own, without my parents’ constant nagging, that I figured out what actually worked for me. While bouncing around, I ended up (twice) at companies where bro culture was prevalent and I had to deal with young, obnoxious macho men ruling the workplace with almost zero women in leadership roles. I found it difficult to develop my confidence in the workplace and see myself as an expert because the people around me in bro culture workplaces and my parents did not respect my ideas and preferences.

When I stopped listening to what my parents were telling me and started following my own intuition, things started to make more sense. I figured out what types of tasks I found easy (writing) and what things I could see myself doing for hours (reading) and what subjects interested me (sustainability). Starting there, I found jobs that matched what I liked doing and in work environments that suited me. I felt much more comfortable and at home in my new role and have started to develop my confidence step by step. When I think back to the trials I went through in my early career, I shudder at some of the places where I’ve ended up and the feelings of hopelessness and immobility that I felt. I’m glad that’s in the past now and that I have learned from those experiences.

In one of my previous positions, I was given the job title of “Scientist and Engineer.” I was proud of my title although I did at times question whether it was appropriate for me as I did not have an engineering degree. I suffered from imposter syndrome and was worried that I had somehow “tricked” my employer into offering me the job. I worried that I was overpaid for an engineering job title that I didn’t deserve (even though I did deserve it!). By viewing my job situation this way, I create an environment of fear for myself as I thought I was living a mistake that could be “corrected” at any moment (in other words, I was afraid of losing my job.) Even after several years on the job, I was still being driven by fear. In fact, I was perfectly capable of doing my job and was regarded as a top performer. I was downplaying my own accomplishments and not able to stop worrying that some disaster was waiting to befall me.

My imposter syndrome about having a scientist job caused me a lot of confusion. When I tried to branch out and look for other science and engineering jobs, I became confused because the jobs I found on the market that had the keywords “scientist” and “engineer” turned out to be jobs I wasn’t interested in. I had somehow adopted the notion that because I had one engineering job, my next one had to be the same. Also, I held the notion that I had to follow the same path of being an engineer as my father. It didn’t occur to me that I should ask myself what I was interested in and where my natural talents lie when considering my career path. This resulted in much confusion as I searched for new jobs and kept running into dead-ends because I was not finding anything interesting to me. I kept spinning my wheels and thinking in circles about this.

It wasn’t until I felt liberated to pursue the paths I was interested in that I got a chance to explore many different types of jobs (consultant, entrepreneur, even coder) and find out for myself what I enjoyed and found easy to do. I realized that I excelled at writing (it’s much easier than coding!) and would enjoy a job where writing was the main task. In addition, I came to realize after trying many jobs that having a good boss is one of the most important factors in job satisfaction for me. I decided to make it a habit to “interview the interviewer” and ask questions about management style and team and company culture. I read through the lines of their answers to discern if the company was a place I would enjoy or not. I made a big effort to discern important information about companies before accepting any job offers to avoid ending up in another workplace with bro culture.

Confidence and high self-esteem as a professional were a challenge for me. I found it difficult to picture myself being successful in new roles, even though I knew intellectually that I usually do well in all my jobs. As I didn’t see myself as an expert, I found it stressful when I was asked to share my opinion or strategy recommendation. I noticed that I second-guess my decisions, actions, and words. At the beginning of a new role, I felt relatively safe because I was still a newbie. However, as my boss and coworkers started to value and respect my opinion, they asked for my opinion more often and I got scared that I was saying something wrong. This shows that I was not confident in my recommendations and my line of thinking. Where this stems from, I wasn’t sure. However, I did know it means I needed to work on building my confidence and assertiveness when sharing my professional analysis and recommendations.

I found it difficult to see myself as an expert in a subject. For example, to me being a sustainability leader means I can provide the answers to others asking me for advice on sustainability. Yet, I doubted that I can give these people the right answers and worried that I may lead them astray. One of my friends asked me how he could contribute to sustainability in his job as a computer scientist. I put pressure on myself to come up with an answer for him, as if I could figure out his job and how he can pivot in it in 5 minutes. He wasn’t expecting me to solve his dilemma right there on the spot, yet I put pressure on myself to be able to do this (an impossible task). This thought pattern of setting up impossible tasks for myself to do and then failing at them was fueling my lack of confidence.

Being too used to taking on impossible tasks was unhealthy for me because it blinded me to the risk of burnout. I could have set myself up for burnout and not even realized it because I just told myself “I can handle it.” Yes, perhaps I could handle it in the short term because I have experience dealing with very difficult situations in the past. However, that didn’t mean that I should do it. In fact, I most likely shouldn’t do it because I was putting unfair pressure and expectations on myself. I strived to be able to identify these types of risky situations earlier and be able to avoid getting into them.

I had one very negative work experience early in my career. I was job hunting during an economic downturn so it was difficult to find jobs. In addition, my parents were pressuring me to find a job very quickly. I took the first offer that I received and knew it was a mistake within the first week on the job. I could tell that the work environment was just not a good fit for me. There was a prevalent bro culture in the company which did not work for me. The company started me at a low salary in a temporary position and promised to give me a raise within a few weeks. The few weeks came and went. I did not receive word of my raise, so I spoke with HR. The HR representative told me that the raise was not guaranteed and they were not able to give it to me at the time. In addition, it was not the right time to convert me to a permanent position yet. This meant I did not receive customary benefits like health insurance and a 401K.

I was very surprised and upset about being fed false promises about my salary. In addition, I was dismayed to find out that a new male employee hired after me was given a permanent position while I remained a temporary employee. This realization was a big wake-up call for me. I thought I was doing reasonably well — I did not receive feedback that indicated otherwise — so it did not seem fair that someone who likely had a similar experience level and educational background as I was earning more than me. I felt like I was deceived and undervalued. I knew it would do no good to complain to HR or my manager about this, so I decided that I would learn as much as I could at this job while quietly planning my exit. Luckily, within a few months, I landed another job offer that paid $50,000 more than what I was currently earning and I accepted it.

The worst part of this experience (and why it was traumatizing) was not the treatment I received at the company but the lack of support from my parents. I was living with them at the time, so I had to deal with them on a daily basis. They made me feel guilty and ashamed about my situation as if it was my fault that the company was not paying me fairly. They did not acknowledge that women and ethnic minorities faced pay discrimination in general. They did not acknowledge the hard work I put in to find a job at all during an economic downturn. They caused me a lot of stress, constantly asking me whether I had found a different job yet when I was already doing everything I could to get out of that situation as quickly as possible. While suffering from stress and shame from their behavior, I felt like I wasn’t able to tell anyone how bad the situation really was and how I was struggling.

From the early negative experiences, I learned about what absolutely does not work for me. I made a pact with myself to never join a bro culture work environment again. The environment is just too biased against female opinions. In my experiences, there are usually fewer women in these work environments and the ones that are there don’t tend to stay long. I find my ideas are not supported and I do not feel valued in those types of environments. Relationship building is also difficult in these environments because happy hour activities tended to focus only on drinking. Finally, most men in these work environments tend to be single and workaholics which is not a good fit for me as I highly value work-life balance.

I made another pact with myself to not take on more than I can handle (as much as possible) and speak up to ask for help when I need it. I realized my parents are not the right people to get career advice from or to share details about my professional life with. And I realized that this is fine because they don’t have experience in corporate workplaces. They did the best they could with what they knew.

On the bright side, I am in a much better place now than in my early career. Through much internal work and developing the right support systems, I have found much clarity in navigating my way through the professional world. I have several supportive and non-judgemental mentors and therapists who I can turn to with my career questions. I have figured out what jobs, types of bosses, and work environments I can thrive in. I have used this knowledge to land a job I enjoy with a boss who I like. I am able to advance in my position and take on new, interesting responsibilities that I find engaging. I try to share my genuine experience with others so I can be my authentic self at work. I am taking the time to own and celebrate my achievements to boost my confidence and find contentment. I continue to develop my skills and practice sharing my thoughts so I can come to see and assert myself as an expert in my field. It’s been a long journey and I am excited to see I’m making progress!