Establishing Boundaries at Work

By finding my voice and getting comfortable using the word “No”

I was sitting in the conference room with my boss and the rest of my team. We were discussing an annual project that no one wanted to undertake. It got tossed around like a hot potato every year and it was always a negotiation who would have responsibility for executing it. I had undertaken the project twice already and was in no mood to do it again. One of my coworkers was trying to force it on me though.

“Jennifer, you’re so good at doing this. I think you should lead it again.”

“No, I don’t want to lead that project this year.” This was not an easy thing for me to say. My heart was beating faster, but I stood my ground. I would have been really unhappy about the situation if I “took one for the team” for a second time.

“But you are the best at it!”

“I did do a good job the last two times I led the project. However, I have other priorities for this year and I prefer that someone else lead the project.”

There was a tense silence in the room.

Finally, another team member spoke up, “I can take on the project this year if no one else is interested.”

The team reached a mutual decision to give it to the teammate who graciously volunteered. I breathed a sigh of relief that the issue was resolved and I did not get stuck with an unwanted burden. I know I would have become resentful working on a project that I found repetitive and not stimulating. More importantly, the quality of my work would have dropped because I would have hated the project. I learned a valuable lesson that day that I could stick to my boundaries and it is not catastrophic for me or my career. My team respected my choice and a fair course of action was decided on. If I had given in, the rest of my team would have understood that it wasn’t fair to me but would not have done anything about it. In the end, it is up to me to ensure I am treated fairly. Boundaries are my tool for doing that.

This was the first of many lessons for me in setting boundaries at work. I used to be afraid to speak up or make a refusal at all. Before, I had always kept quiet or chose the most polite option even when it didn’t agree with me. But it left me quietly resentful and bitter, which I would then complain to my coworkers about. It was not a very satisfying way to operate at work. I began to set boundaries. It was a long process that started with me hesitating while trying to spit certain words out and with my voice trembling. Finally, I managed to approach boundary-setting with calm. Nowadays, I only hesitate for a moment after specifying my boundary. I remind myself after each incident of why the boundary is necessary and what the consequence of not setting the boundary is.

I had some coworkers who were good at setting boundaries with ease. They were great models for me to follow. Once, I listened to a conversation with this coworker and noted how she effectively set several boundaries within an hour: “Hey, let’s start now because I need to leave at the end of the hour,” “I’m sorry, I can only give an afternoon to this.” She was very clear about her time limits and stated them preemptively. She didn’t wait for her boundaries to be threatened before she reminded others of them. I don’t think she even really thought about it; she was just used to working this way. She was in the habit of explaining to others what she would and would not do and expected others to respect her wishes. I admired her confidence and strived to reach her level of ease with boundary-setting.

“The inner work is a form of rinsing our ‘no’ of the residue of the past, working through the defensiveness or the fear it may be laced with, so that when expressed, it can be “clean,” ringing with the power, clarity, and radiance of the true self. This creates incredible momentum in one’s life as each situation becomes an opportunity to live into your truth. Each “no” is a doorway into your greater ‘yes.’” — Bethany Webster, Female Assertiveness, Stop Resolving the Tension

Boundaries at work encompass many other strategies as well. Problems that can arise from not setting boundaries include working too much overtime, taking responsibility for tasks that do not belong to me, having misplaced priorities, not being able to deal with problematic coworkers effectively, and not dealing well with critical attitudes. I’ve found the three best things to do when faced with difficult coworkers are to set boundaries, hone self-advocacy skills and maintain assertiveness. Here are some examples of what setting boundaries at work look like:

• Saying “no” to tasks or projects that are not my responsibility.
• Not internalizing unfair criticisms. Speaking up on behalf of myself when needed.
• Protecting my time by starting and ending meetings on time and not staying overtime.
• Protecting my energy by not letting others disrupt my workflow. Prioritizing my tasks to focus on the most important ones and not getting sidetracked by tasks which pop up and are not the main priority.
• Not getting stuck on perfectionism; allowing myself to deliver something that is “B-level” work in order to protect my work-life balance.

Insulation myself against criticism is a way of setting a boundary. Many people are afraid of facing criticism when they try something new which might not succeed. It is quite stressful to work with supercritical people. I certainly get nervous when I am faced with a task that I have not done before or do not have much experience with. It is easy to internalize criticism and get down on myself. My approach is to be mentally strong and resist internalizing any untrue or unfair statements about myself and my work. I allow critical people to have their opinion and be who they are, but I disagree internally and come to a more accurate appraisal of myself. I also avoid drawing out such discussions by staying disengaged. I know I cannot change the other person’s mind, so I do not waste any effort on it.

Along the same lines, I make it a habit to speak up against negative behaviors in the office which impact me. I’ve had coworkers who were perpetual whiners, complaining every day about management decisions they disagreed with, projects they didn’t like, or people they didn’t like. I’ve had other coworkers who didn’t respect time limits. Still, others had a habit of disrupting my workflow. I have had to have conversations with some of the bad actors, asking them to keep the loud complaining down when they are next to me because it is disrupts my concentration. I’ve also had to excuse myself from meetings that dragged on too long past the scheduled time. I have prevented disruptions from draining my energy by suggesting setting aside specific times to discuss certain topics.

I used to be a victim of perfectionism. I would hold onto projects before presenting them to my boss because I was afraid the work wasn’t good enough. I would wait to send emails until I had re-read them ten times. While this helped minimize the number of my mistakes, it also significantly slowed down my work. It was coming from a place where I was deathly afraid to make mistakes. My level of perfectionism was not healthy. Luckily, I eventually managed to overcome this fear after working with some reassuring coworkers. I had some slip-ups in front of them and they helped me work through them instead of criticizing me. I realized after small imperfections can be easily looked over.

“Saying “no” is a form of empowerment. Saying “no” is a way of taking responsibility for myself.” — Bethany Webster

The other side of setting boundaries at work is honing self-advocacy and female assertiveness skills. In other words, being able to speak up for myself. I had to practice a lot to speak up and use my voice at work. Have you ever heard of the quiet person on the team being recognized as the top performer? No, the quiet ones are not noticed for their accomplishments. The top performers are the ones who share their opinions, make suggestions to solve problems, and ask the right questions to prompt the team. A few years ago, I was a bit timid at work, so making suggestions was tough for me. I had enough guts to ask questions though. One strategy I used for speaking up was to write my questions down before I asked them. That way, I made myself think through the entire thought before I spoke up and felt more prepared and confident.

I had a big chance to speak up when I was invited to a live taping of an All Hands Meeting. These were broadcast to the entire business unit. Eight hundred people were watching, including directors, VPs, and my entire management chain. I knew it was a great opportunity for me to participate and demonstrate my engagement with the team and the business. After all, All Hands Meetings are supposed to be a unique chance for the entire business unit to get updated on how business is going for the unit as a whole and for team members to connect with upper management. Throughout the meeting, I listened closely to what the director had to say so I could ask a relevant and cogent question. I tried to find a topic that sounded unclear to me or that I was especially interested in and wanted to hear more about. I wrote it down in my notebook while the speaker was wrapping up.

When the coordinator asked if the audience had any questions, I raised my hand. She gave the microphone to me. My heart started beating faster. I re-read the question I had written down and hoped I wouldn’t stumble as I delivered the question.

“Yes, hello everyone. I’m from the supply chain management team. This is my question: in your opinion, what is the biggest thing we are currently not performing well on, and how can we improve it?”

The moment passed in a couple of minutes. I was proud of myself for seizing the moment to speak and not just sitting back and letting it pass by. It would have been very easy to do that, but I thought it would have been a big waste of an opportunity. I wasn’t invited to live tapings very often and it was great for my career to be seen on the webcast by the entire business unit. I made it a habit for myself to ask at least one question during every All-Hands Meetings (by calling into the webcast over the phone). Sometimes, my colleagues came up to me afterward and praised me for my participation. I knew the managers noticed and remembered my engagement.

I also found it quite important to remind people of my success and advocate for myself when opportunities arise. Other times, managers are too busy with everything else they have going on and do not remember who has done what. Even worse are those coworkers who want to take credit for work that I’ve done (these types exist everywhere). I find it important to remind managers and teammates of all my accomplishments. I keep a journal of accomplishments and have drawn on them on two separate occasions when I have applied for promotions at work. Reminding myself and others of my past successes is a great way to boost my confidence at work.

Setting boundaries and speaking up go hand in hand to maintain an enjoyable work-life. It helps me maintain my happiness and productivity at work by preventing me from getting into unwanted situations which eventually lead to frustration and resentment. I’ve seen it happen to other coworkers who get saddled with projects they hate. I saw how it ruins work for them until the project is over. Also, demonstrating that I have a strong command of myself and my work by setting boundaries and advocating for myself paints me in a positive light at work. It may even help me be seen as management material. After all, managers have much responsibility and need to make decisions that affect others. They have many people and a big workload that demands their attention all the time. They can navigate this successfully because they have healthy boundaries.