Obedience Will Not Help You in the Western Workplace

I had to unlearn some ideas on obedience, being deferential, and filial piety to succeed in Western society

I sat on the bathroom floor next to the toilet bowl, waiting for myself to throw up. I had eaten an expensive sushi dinner with a family member a few hours ago, where we excessively binged sake. I had gone home afterward and fallen asleep still wearing my contacts. Three hours later, I woke up with them dry and uncomfortable in my eye sockets, wondering what time it was. I felt like I was still drunk. The queasy feeling in my stomach told me I was about to empty its contents soon, so I stumbled over to my toilet, pulled up the toilet seat, and sat down on the floor until it was time. I threw up three times, glad I didn’t miss the toilet, and went back to bed.

“Why is this happening?” I thought to myself. I was 26. The last time I drank this excessively was five years ago. It was an activity I thought was acceptable in college, but not a habit I maintained as a responsible adult. Then I remembered. I was in this state because I was eating with my relative who paid for the expensive meal, and they had ordered an entire bottle of sake. I do not enjoy drinking so much, but they pressured me to finish the bottle with them. Out of respect for them, I drank beyond my normal level. I tried to slow down my drinking by deliberately leaving my glass full, but my relative pressured me to drain it so they could pour me another and then another. We didn’t even drink water to stay hydrated.

That’s how I found myself spewing my guts into the toilet three hours later. It was against my wishes and left a bitter taste in my mouth. Since I was a child, I always assumed I could trust my relatives to do what was best for me. Getting drunk and throwing up into the toilet was not a situation I wanted to be in. The cold realization hit me that spending time with my relative was not healthy for me, even though they didn’t harbor negative intentions towards me. They had a habit of binge drinking because they were self-medicating. This had nothing to do with me, but still affected me negatively when I got sucked into binge drinking too. I realized I couldn’t trust this relative to look after my best interests after all; I had to think and act for myself. Sadly, I lost some trust in my family that day.

There is a hierarchy of respect in Chinese culture. Those who are older than us hold higher status and are afforded respect. Elders and ancestors are especially revered as the shining objects of filial piety in every Chinese family. They impart their knowledge and experience to all the following generations. Their word is final and no disagreement with them is acceptable. Making counterpoints and refusing requests is regarded as disrespectful. With respect comes being obedient and deferential to older family members. This includes parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, great grandparents, in-laws, and family friends. The young members of the family are expected to follow instructions from their older relatives without question, be seen but not heard, always agree, and never raise one’s voice.

There was a term that was constantly used by my grandparents and parents to describe the type of behavior they expected from me; it was 乖 (“guai” in Cantonese) which means well-behaved. They would tell me that I need to act like a 乖女 (“guai neoi”) which translates to “obedient daughter, quiet, and well-behaved.” They also used the term 聽話 (“teng waa”) which means to do as one is told or be obedient. These terms were almost weapons of guilt and manipulation. When I did something that my grandparents and parents did not like, they would say I was not being 乖 which would make me feel a bit shameful and induce me to change my behavior. I had an aversion to this term since I was a child, and remember wanting to act rebelliously when one of my elders commented that I was very 乖 for good behavior. As an adult, I realized I did not care for this term, and no longer allowed my family to “hook” me by using this term to control my behavior.

As I grew up, left my parent’s house, went off to college, and joined the American workforce, I realized I was missing some important building blocks in my toolkit of handling relationships — personal, professional, and romantic. One of the most important skills I was missing was knowing when and how to say no. It wasn’t acceptable to say no to my older relatives so I didn’t have any practice with it. It took many months of conscious effort on my part and support from my therapist before I developed this skill and learned to use it consistently and confidently. The turning point for me was when I began to see how doing things out of respect for my older relatives didn’t always lead to the best outcome for me. The biggest example was binge drinking. After that incident, I gained the motivation and reason to change my perpetually deferential demeanor.

The habit of being deferential (along with the futility of attempting to resist) was drilled into my head over many years in moments when I was forced to eat and drink food I didn’t want to by my family. Once when I was seven years old, my parents forced me to eat an Asian puree dessert. I have long forgotten its name but it was white and powdery — I thought it looked like cement — and it tasted awful. They poured me a bowl and forced me to sit at the table until I finished the whole thing. They did it in the name of teaching me to enjoy Chinese foods. All I remember is gagging with each spoonful and saying over and over again that I did not like it. My parents didn’t let up. In the end, I ate the entire dessert but was traumatized. I never wanted to touch that dessert again. To this day, I still find this incident so infuriating. It didn’t teach me the lesson my parents intended and imparted even more insidious lessons like I had no power to choose and my “no” was useless because it was not respected.

I re-framed the binge drinking and dessert incident, and many similar ones with my therapist to relearn my reflex to say no. When my therapist asked me what words I would use to say no to my parents, I drew a blank. We decided on some phrases I could use in future situations. “No thank you, I am not hungry.” “No thank you, I do not want to eat that.” It was so simple, yet the words didn’t immediately come to me out of lack of practice. The most important part was learning to say it and expecting my statement to be respected. Luckily, I learned to exercise this statement in professional settings and it has always been respected.

I found later in my life that obedience was also not conducive to my love life. After I graduated from college and moved to a different state, my relatives would call me every week and remind me to be an “obedient daughter.” They would constantly remind me, “Clean your house. No one likes a dirty house. Did you wash your bedsheets? Don’t go out at night. It isn’t safe.” They asked me when I would fly home to visit as they missed me. For a couple of years, I spent a few hours cleaning my house every weekend and my holidays flying home per my family’s instructions.

It hit me one day that my family’s advice had a negative side effect: every hour I spent at home cleaning was an hour not seeing my friends or meeting potential boyfriends. I should be using my precious early twenties to catch up on all the dating I didn’t do in high school and college, not cleaning! I felt brainwashed, guilt-tripped, and robbed of my energy and time. I felt my autonomy, thinking, and values were violated and hijacked. After a Herculean effort to act against my relative’s instructions, I hired a maid and rearranged my weekend to take care of my development. I hung out with my friends, went on dates, and exercised. Although I was plagued with guilt, I privately decided to prioritize my love and social life over my family’s directions.

The values of obedience, respect, and being deferential are in line with Chinese and Vietnamese traditions. They were formed and functioned well in society two to three generations ago. Unfortunately, they are not values that are necessarily conducive to success in today’s society, and especially not in Western society. Obedience and being deferential are difficult propositions for young Asian Americans in many aspects of life such as professional and educational settings. Western society values outgoing, opinionated, and outspoken behavior over “wallflowers.” The absence of disagreement is viewed as an agreement in Western culture. As the saying goes, “Speak now or forever hold your peace.” In other words, voice your objection now or be at peace with what is transpiring.

I have uncovered how the obedience values I learned in childhood influence my behavior and identified which ones are detrimental in the Western world. In response to these less helpful habits, I identified and practiced more assertive behaviors. I had to consciously find my voice, express my point of view, speak first instead of last, express anger, stop asking for permission, stop apologizing, protest when treated unfairly, and practice being confident enough to negotiate. In the American workplace, assertive behavior is essential to functioning successfully. It is needed to negotiate salaries and promotions, manage workloads and expectations with managers, and handle disagreements and conflicts with coworkers.

A major difference between the American workplace and Asian households is the lack of hierarchy in terms of respect. Although some employees and managers are ranked differently based on competencies, the norms of behavior still allow for disagreement and negotiation between all employees. Managers and teammates will cover one another’s workloads when an employee is absent because everyone’s time is equally important. My habit of being deferential and obedient showed up in the workplace in the form of asking for permission slightly too often and agreeing to work or meetings at times that were inconvenient for me. I eventually worked those tendencies out of my system.

At this point in my journey, the Chinese values of obedience, respect, and being deferential have become malleable concepts that I can choose to employ when I deem necessary and choose to ignore when I feel it does not serve my life. I choose to trust my judgment about what is needed for me to live the life I want for myself instead of feeling guilty for not meeting my family’s expectations. There will be no more binge drinking against my will. No more eating a cement-like dessert that I detest. No more prioritizing cleaning the house over my social and love life. To have my life back, I must “learn to let die what must die. This means to let die the values and attitudes, within the psyche which no longer sustain [me],” as stated by Clarissa Pinkes Estes. Casting aside obedience, I finally learned to say no.