I Have a Bigger Perfectionism Problem at Work Than I Think

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ing the same things about me every time I sent a vacation notice to them. My self-talk also illustrates my jealousy of their willingness to take care of themselves when I was not doing the same for myself. In other instances when I saw my coworkers’ vacation notices, I’d tell myself, “Hey, they deserve a break. They haven’t taken one in a long time!” while forgetting that they just took a week off two months ago. In both circumstances, I was making excuses to justify why I was not taking care of myself as I should. It’s an old behavior pattern I’m finally working to change.How did I develop this habit? I believe it is partly culture and partly upbringing. Unfortunately, America has a hustle culture where exhaustion is worn as a status symbol. The more exhausted someone is, the more successful and important they are perceived to be. It is difficult to not be influenced by this type of thinking when many of my coworkers and friends are acting this way. Some of the “work hard, no rest” messaging came from my father as well. Once when I brought up my need for a sabbatical in our conversation, he said to me several times, “Why do you need a break? What do you need a break for? I thought you were stronger than your brother. Stop talking about weak things like mental health and depression.” His close-minded reaction to my need for time off conveyed to me his expectation that I keep quiet and not speak out about my needs. Instead, he expected me to continue working like a robot.When I reflected on the thoughts I was having, and realized how unfair they were, it was easier for me to combat them and to stop. I don’t fear becoming less relevant and less valued at work. I was worried about falling behind when I take time off. In my last job, I was stuck in “overdue for a long vacation” mode for more than a year. Although I hated it, I kept pushing through it because I was scared of damaging my work reputation. I’m not willing to put myself through the same thing ever again. It’s still a bit of a struggle for me to send that vacation request email.For the first time ever, I’m requesting and taking days off as I need them in a corporate position. I am being honest with myself about how many days I need for myself, which is ideally one to two work days per month whether it is paid holidays or vacation days. When the critical self-talk and doubts start to play in my head, I talk down the critical thoughts by telling myself, “My contract provides for this vacation time. I’m not violating my contract by taking this time. I deserve it. It’s part of my salary. If I don’t take this time, I’m really short-changing myself.” I’m starting to do this proactively by looking ahead in my calendar and anticipating potential days when I will likely be feeling tired and needing a break. I stopped waiting until I’m at the point of exhaustion or near burnout. This is treating myself well. That is taking care of myself.“Rather than view miscues as failures, we can see them as a necessary rite of passage toward future success.”Perfectionism follows me when I am at work meetings

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on Zoom and Microsoft Teams as well. Using these technologies for hours at a time leaves plenty of room for potential embarrassments. I have had incidents when my microphone was not muted when it should have been, or it was muted when I was trying to speak. Other times, my camera was not on when it needed to be, or vice versa. In instances when I am giving a presentation or have a speaking opportunity in front of a large audience and I run into technical difficulties, I have a high chance of falling into the perfectionist trap. The critical inner voice starts putting me down for the technical difficulties I went through in front of my coworkers. I am afraid of failing to meet expectations, getting criticized, or making mistakes. Even when I had just given a great presentation, my thoughts ran to those small and short moments of friction instead of focusing on my success.The way I found around this is to be transparent about any technical difficulties I’ve been facing. If I am having trouble with my microphone, I find taking a few seconds to explain, “Sorry, I’m having some technical difficulties right now” before moving on gives me a lot more confidence to take my time to work out the technical difficulties and then continue with my presentation or speech. I have used this technique in many instances and find that most people are helpful in resolving these types of issues, or at least sympathetic and understanding of technical difficulties. This type of response helps quiet the perfectionist tendencies I might have.I know I am bumping up against my perfectionism when I find myself going through hard moments that I can’t shake off. Sometimes I get stuck replaying moments in my head over and over. That’s when I stop and ask myself whether this is a moment when my perfectionism is kicking in. I might be guilty of expecting too much of myself. I might be holding myself to impossible standards. I find it helps to talk these incidents over with a friend or therapist to unwind the areas of unhelpful core beliefs and shame that are driving the perfectionist thoughts. With time and confidence, I am working my way through these bad habits and adopting healthier ones.According to <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/intimacy-path-toward-spirituality/201601/do-you-expect-too-much-yourself">John Amodeo Ph.D., MFT</a>, an attachment to being perfect reflects a lack of self-compassion and wisdom. I know my past issues with self-acceptance and childhood emotional neglect make it difficult for me to be compassionate to myself at times, yet I am doing the work to move in the opposite direction. I changed my self-talk to remind myself I deserved to take vacation. I take the breaks I need and work through any guilt I feel about it. I give great Zoom presentations and I write them down as wins instead of focusing on technical issues. My journal of accomplishments reminds me of the great work I’ve done and how far I’ve come. It helps me to build up my confidence so I can keep moving forward, with some intelligent risk-taking, on my journey to a healthy and sustainable work life balance.</article></body>

My difficulties asking for vacation and recovering from work mishaps are making me aware of how bad my perfectionism is

Photo credit: Anthony Shkraba

I am a perfectionist. I had an idea of this already. Yet I have been surprised at how many things in the workplace have bothered me in recent months. I started realizing I could have a perfectionism problem when I got upset when things don’t go as well as I hoped on a project or presentation. I also began to take note of my self-talk surrounding punctuality and taking vacations and days off. When I started mulling over technical errors (some beyond my control) and feeling near burnout with no days off in sight, I started to see this would not be a sustainable pattern. I realized these situations presented some problem areas that I needed to work through to make work enjoyable again.

“Perfectionism is the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It is about trying to earn approval. Perfectionism is not the key to success. The fear of failing, making mistakes, not meeting people’s expectations, and being criticized keeps us outside of the arena where healthy competition and striving unfolds.” — Brené Brown, Daring Greatly

One example of my perfectionism is my difficulty in asking for and taking a break. I used to have a hard time asking for vacation time at work. I made excuses in my head for why I shouldn’t take time off. “I just took a vacation recently. My coworkers aren’t taking as many days off as me. My boss will think I’m lazy and unmotivated. I’ll miss a bunch of work when I’m away. I should save the vacation day for a time when I have a “real” trip planned instead of a time when I just need a day off to do nothing.” These thoughts would cross my mind every time I thought of taking a vacation. I’d go through a long process of waiting until I was beyond tired and heading into dangerous “exhausted” territory to work up the courage to broach the subject with my boss. Then I’d plan my strategy of putting in my request when my boss was in a “good mood,” meaning waiting until a Friday. The funny thing is, I’ve never had a vacation request denied in all the years I have been working.

I would also criticize my coworkers in my head when I saw their vacation notices. According to Sharon Martin, LCSW, criticism of others is a tendency of perfectionists. “Why are they so lazy? Didn’t they just take a break? Why can they take a break when I can’t?” These thoughts would run through my head. Ironically, I was afraid my coworkers were thinking the same things about me every time I sent a vacation notice to them. My self-talk also illustrates my jealousy of their willingness to take care of themselves when I was not doing the same for myself. In other instances when I saw my coworkers’ vacation notices, I’d tell myself, “Hey, they deserve a break. They haven’t taken one in a long time!” while forgetting that they just took a week off two months ago. In both circumstances, I was making excuses to justify why I was not taking care of myself as I should. It’s an old behavior pattern I’m finally working to change.

How did I develop this habit? I believe it is partly culture and partly upbringing. Unfortunately, America has a hustle culture where exhaustion is worn as a status symbol. The more exhausted someone is, the more successful and important they are perceived to be. It is difficult to not be influenced by this type of thinking when many of my coworkers and friends are acting this way. Some of the “work hard, no rest” messaging came from my father as well. Once when I brought up my need for a sabbatical in our conversation, he said to me several times, “Why do you need a break? What do you need a break for? I thought you were stronger than your brother. Stop talking about weak things like mental health and depression.” His close-minded reaction to my need for time off conveyed to me his expectation that I keep quiet and not speak out about my needs. Instead, he expected me to continue working like a robot.

When I reflected on the thoughts I was having, and realized how unfair they were, it was easier for me to combat them and to stop. I don’t fear becoming less relevant and less valued at work. I was worried about falling behind when I take time off. In my last job, I was stuck in “overdue for a long vacation” mode for more than a year. Although I hated it, I kept pushing through it because I was scared of damaging my work reputation. I’m not willing to put myself through the same thing ever again. It’s still a bit of a struggle for me to send that vacation request email.

For the first time ever, I’m requesting and taking days off as I need them in a corporate position. I am being honest with myself about how many days I need for myself, which is ideally one to two work days per month whether it is paid holidays or vacation days. When the critical self-talk and doubts start to play in my head, I talk down the critical thoughts by telling myself, “My contract provides for this vacation time. I’m not violating my contract by taking this time. I deserve it. It’s part of my salary. If I don’t take this time, I’m really short-changing myself.” I’m starting to do this proactively by looking ahead in my calendar and anticipating potential days when I will likely be feeling tired and needing a break. I stopped waiting until I’m at the point of exhaustion or near burnout. This is treating myself well. That is taking care of myself.

“Rather than view miscues as failures, we can see them as a necessary rite of passage toward future success.”

Perfectionism follows me when I am at work meetings on Zoom and Microsoft Teams as well. Using these technologies for hours at a time leaves plenty of room for potential embarrassments. I have had incidents when my microphone was not muted when it should have been, or it was muted when I was trying to speak. Other times, my camera was not on when it needed to be, or vice versa. In instances when I am giving a presentation or have a speaking opportunity in front of a large audience and I run into technical difficulties, I have a high chance of falling into the perfectionist trap. The critical inner voice starts putting me down for the technical difficulties I went through in front of my coworkers. I am afraid of failing to meet expectations, getting criticized, or making mistakes. Even when I had just given a great presentation, my thoughts ran to those small and short moments of friction instead of focusing on my success.

The way I found around this is to be transparent about any technical difficulties I’ve been facing. If I am having trouble with my microphone, I find taking a few seconds to explain, “Sorry, I’m having some technical difficulties right now” before moving on gives me a lot more confidence to take my time to work out the technical difficulties and then continue with my presentation or speech. I have used this technique in many instances and find that most people are helpful in resolving these types of issues, or at least sympathetic and understanding of technical difficulties. This type of response helps quiet the perfectionist tendencies I might have.

I know I am bumping up against my perfectionism when I find myself going through hard moments that I can’t shake off. Sometimes I get stuck replaying moments in my head over and over. That’s when I stop and ask myself whether this is a moment when my perfectionism is kicking in. I might be guilty of expecting too much of myself. I might be holding myself to impossible standards. I find it helps to talk these incidents over with a friend or therapist to unwind the areas of unhelpful core beliefs and shame that are driving the perfectionist thoughts. With time and confidence, I am working my way through these bad habits and adopting healthier ones.

According to John Amodeo Ph.D., MFT, an attachment to being perfect reflects a lack of self-compassion and wisdom. I know my past issues with self-acceptance and childhood emotional neglect make it difficult for me to be compassionate to myself at times, yet I am doing the work to move in the opposite direction. I changed my self-talk to remind myself I deserved to take vacation. I take the breaks I need and work through any guilt I feel about it. I give great Zoom presentations and I write them down as wins instead of focusing on technical issues. My journal of accomplishments reminds me of the great work I’ve done and how far I’ve come. It helps me to build up my confidence so I can keep moving forward, with some intelligent risk-taking, on my journey to a healthy and sustainable work life balance.