Being in a Secure Relationship

Recovering from unhealthy family and relationship patterns is a long road with potential pitfalls.

It’s been a long journey figuring out why romantic relationships have been so difficult for me. I examined how my past informed these difficulties and what I can do to resolve these problems which had become a persistent and despairing issue in my life. I posted before about how I faced relationship struggles because my parents were emotionally absent and how I felt I was constantly being attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I finally feel I have made tremendous progress on this front. It hasn’t been easy. I often worry that I could fall into unhealthy old habits again. To keep me going, I tell myself I deserve to have secure and calm relationships with emotionally available people. It might feel awkward at first because I’m not used to it. But the progress I make every day is very visible and encourages me to continue on my healing journey. I’m excited to see what awaits me on the other end of this rewarding work.

Previously, when I met a guy who was calm, safe, and emotionally available, I thought this person was “boring” and probably not the right person for me. Instead, I gravitated toward the avoidant and emotionally unavailable types. Because the majority of my family relationships in childhood were dysfunctional, I used to think romantic prospects who left me hanging were “secretly” interested in me. “They’re about to ask me out or agree to a date,” I used to tell myself. Of course, it never happened. I’d get stuck in these limerent situations for months before being able to force myself to let it go. You see, as a child of emotionally unavailable parents, I would hope against hope that if I just held on long enough and was sufficiently polite and compliant, then maybe the difficult adult will take mercy and alter their course. Then I took the misguided patience out into adult relationships with similarly negligible results. It was really difficult for me to unlearn the coping mechanisms I developed as a kid. It took years of therapy and personal effort.

As I read more into the topic of attachment theory and did some introspection, I realized the sense of “boredom” I previously felt was the realization that there isn’t any drama going on in the relationship. I was used to seeing a chaotic relationship in my household growing up, where fights were picked to express concerns because neither person had effective communication skills to share their feelings in a calm and clear way. However, that was the dysfunctional way of operating that was not sustainable. It is healthy when a relationship is calm like two boats smoothly sailing on still waters. There is clear communication happening all the time as both people can freely express their feelings, needs, and boundaries in a healthy way. This is what secure and healthy relationships are supposed to feel like. What a relief when I realized that I can happily choose relationships like this, with people who are calm and skilled at expressing how they are feeling and what they need.

A funny thing happened after I worked through many of my major hangups and dysfunctional patterns in therapy; I started finding emotionally available men sexy and the avoidant men turnoffs. Men who were spontaneous and inconsistent started seeming irresponsible and unreliable instead of exciting. When someone broke a promise, I just took it as a sign that this was their normal way of operating instead of being personally offended. Then I decided I didn’t need this unreliable person in my life. Men who were constantly unavailable seemed distant and uninteresting. I gave them their space and looked elsewhere instead of feeling compelled to chase them. Someone who answers my calls, is there for me when I need emotional support, and makes me laugh seems like a great potential partner. Someone who isn’t scared of commitment is super sexy. Seeing the dating pool in this very different way made me feel empowered to find a great partner. I felt like my “guy radar” was fixed.

“This is a powerful metaphor for the idea of saving the children, the soulSelf, from being lost again in the unconscious, from forgetting who we are and what our work is. It is at this point in our lives that even very charming people, very enchanting ideas, very alluring calliope music can be turned away with ease, and especially if they do not nurture a woman’s union with the wild.

For many women, the transformation from feeling oneself swept away or enslaved by every idea or person who raps at her door to be a woman shining with La Destina, possessed of a deep sense of her own destiny, is a miraculous one. With eyes on straight, palms outward, with the hearing of the instinctual self intact, the woman goes into life with this new and powerful manner.

In this version the maiden has done the work so that when she needs the help of her hands to sense and guard her progression, they are there. They are regenerated through the fear of losing the childSelf. The regeneration of a woman’s grasp on her life and work sometimes causes a momentary hiatus in the work, for she may not be totally confident about her newfound strengths. She may have to try them out for a time to realize how great their reach is.

We often have to reform our ideas of “once without power (hands), always without power.” After all our losses and sufferings we find that if we reach we will be rewarded by grasping the child that is most precious to us. This is how a woman feels, that at long last, she has grasped her life again. She has palms “to see with,” and to fashion life with once more. All through she has been helped by intra-psychic forces, and she has matured greatly. She is truly “within herSelf” now.” — Women Who Run with the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estés

I occasionally have an undercurrent of fear of the unknown as well as a fear of being let down or abandoned in relationships. For example, disagreements can trigger a fear of abandonment for me because my parents regularly threatened to leave each other during their arguments. Most of the arguments I witnessed consisted of them screaming at each other and bringing up divorce. These arguments never ended in an agreement or mutual understanding. There was no reassurance that the other person was not considering leaving, no re-establishment of an emotional connection with the other person. When I’m in a disagreement, I’m scared the discussion can go the same way as what I witnessed with my parents. Luckily, I have found that in a secure relationship, disagreements are talked out and can lead to two people feeling closer together because they understand the other person better and have sympathy for them.

I am also occasionally triggered and can become critical of my partner, put some distance between us, fall into old anxious thinking traps. I find I still have many moments of anxiety and doubt which can cause an automatically and reflexively critical response. According to Why Smart Kids Worry by Allison Edwards, bumps in the road are normal for those recovering from anxiety and trauma. The bumps can last a few days, weeks, or months. Each time they come up, it’s a good opportunity to apply healthy coping skills and tools. I can also reflect on the unhealthy and constrained coping mechanisms I picked up and challenge myself to accept that my situation is different now, and I need to unlearn them in order to make room for someone else in my heart to fill up some emptiness there. It’s also a great opportunity to reflect on how far I’ve come and pat myself on the back for my progress.

Emotional safety is a new feeling for me because, unfortunately, my family of origin did not make me feel this way. My family made me feel like it was dangerous to be anything but a compliant and “easy” child who didn’t cause any trouble because the adults were already in crisis and could not handle any more problems. I felt there would be intense repercussions if I protested when something didn’t work for me. If I expressed my honest feelings about anything, my feelings would be met with invalidation. I walked on eggshells in my parent’s house because my mistakes would be instantly criticized and blown out of proportion. I knew I would not get support when I brought up any of my problems. I did not feel valued for being me. I had to make myself small and practically erase my identity to fit into what my parents needed me to be.

Luckily, I have reached a place where I have found a partner and people who make me feel safe and calm in a relationship with them. Feeling emotionally safe in a romantic relationship is still a new feeling for me. Feeling safe to be myself means I can express difficult emotions like anger, sadness, and fear to the other person and feel acknowledged instead of invalidated. I can give them honest feedback and bring up problems I’m facing and expect support. I feel like I can make mistakes without having them held against me; I no longer have to walk on eggshells. I feel valued for my unique skills, talents, and efforts. Feeling emotionally safe means I can be vulnerable with others and let them in. I can also take in the love that is healthy and healing.

“I wish we could say that by now all the traps for women no longer exist, or that women are so wise that they can spot the traps from far off. But it is not so. We still have the predator in the culture, and it still tries to undercut and destroy all consciousness and all bids for wholeness. There is much truth to the saying that freedoms have to be fought for anew every twenty years. Sometimes it seems that they have to be fought for every five minutes.

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Sometimes it is difficult for us to realize when we are losing our instincts, for it is often an insidious process that does not occur all in one day, but rather over a long period of time. Too, the loss or deadening of instinct is often entirely supported by the surrounding culture, and sometimes even by other women who endure the loss of instinct as a way of achieving belonging in a culture that keeps no nourishing habitat for the natural woman.” — Women Who Run with the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estés

One barrier that previously prevented me from forming secure relationships — and that I try to minimize as much as possible — are toxic family members and the dysfunctional habits they engender. Growing up around these toxic people is what led to the development of many of these dysfunctional patterns in the first place. While I have changed and learned how to adopt more healthy life patterns, they have not. These people are still a negative presence that I put boundaries on in order to prevent myself from falling back into familiar but negative habits. Their old unhealthy behaviors like violating my new boundaries, chastising me for mistakes, parentifying me, venting about their problems while completely ignoring my issues and needs, have the potential to trigger me. This could disturb, or even worse, derail the great progress I’ve made in healing old wounds.

Thus, I am renegotiating my role in my family relationships. There are certain family members I have chosen to completely limit contact with because they are simply too toxic and cause too much drama. There are others who I have decided to simply see less of. Some of the family members I have cut out do want to see me and are very disappointed that I am not available. I had to accept that I was going to disappoint them in the name of protecting myself. On the other hand, there are also some family members who are good influences who I neglected because I was too caught up in the drama of the toxic family members. These are people who might have seemed “boring” before, but who have their life together. They are in healthy relationships with supportive partners and are progressing well in life. I made a conscious decision to revitalize my relationships with these healthy family members.

“The confidence to repair and to believe that our efforts will be accepted suggests a knowledge that, even at our worst, we still have a right to love and to feel okay about ourselves, and to know that if we make amends, our love will be accepted and returned.” — The Forgiving Self, Robert Karen, Ph.D.