My Best Sex Discoveries of the Year

After doing it for seventeen years, I still had a lot to learn

I started writing to make money.

But I didn’t write about sex because it made the most money (as far as I could tell, there wasn’t much gold in those hills). I wrote about sex because it’s what I’m most passionate about.

Over the course of a year (and some change) writing erotic fiction and then blogging about sex, I did a lot of research, covered a lot of ground, and hit multiple slumps where I was convinced I’d run out of ideas for good.

The work was harder than I expected, but I powered through. I kept my head down and stuck to my work schedule. And I’m glad I did because I got so much more out of this than some earnings and a fun hobby.

My year as a writer taught me a lot about sex, about myself, and about my relationship.

I feel like I’ve grown in leaps and bounds. I’m more adventurous. I’m more open and confident. And I’m having better and more interesting sex than I ever have before.

The year coming to an end has me thinking about all the amazing things I discovered since I started writing. It’s a huge list and it’s been hard to narrow it down, but these are the ones that really stand out for me.

Masturbation in Marriage Is a Beautiful Thing

Masturbation has been a constant in my married life, but talking about it was awkward. My husband and I were extremely open with each other, but masturbation remained a taboo subject in our home.

On his end, I know it had to do with shame about doing it and about having a very high sex drive.

For me, it had a lot to do with guilt about having a low libido. I knew my husband wanted sex, but sex was a tall order for me. Instead, I made time to stick a vibrator down my underwear to give myself some sexual relief.

I felt bad knowing that he was getting so little action. I didn’t want him to think I was wasting what little desire I had on myself.

That changed when masturbation became part of my research. If I was going to write about it, there was no way to keep it under wraps.

I wish I had opened up sooner, because it’s been really liberating.

Masturbation in a marriage shouldn’t be a source of shame or guilt — it should be embraced and celebrated.

Jilling off has been a lot more satisfying since I stopped doing it quickly and in secret.

It’s been hot as hell, too, because now I’ve had multiple opportunities to masturbate with my husband or to just watch him while he gets himself off.

And it’s just nice to strip the shame away from self-pleasure.

Paying for Porn Is Worth It

I like that paying for porn lets you access more ethical content and I love knowing the creators are compensated for their work.

But my biggest motivation was my frustrations with free porn.

When Pornhub came on the scene, I stopped watching adult DVDs and started streaming it for free. It was really cool and exciting at first, but in recent years I’ve been having trouble finding videos that appeal to me.

I can’t count the number of times I almost lost my lady boner and my will to masturbate after scrolling through 12+ pages of thumbnails and not finding a single thing that struck my fancy.

I guess I was a bit picky. I wanted high-quality, high-production content by cute amateurs, and I wanted to be able to access it quickly.

Cherry Crush was the tipping point. I found some of her videos on Pornhub and I loved them so much I googled “porn stars like Cherry Crush.” It didn’t help — the cuteness and quality were still missing.

So, I opted for the simplest solution: I subscribed to her site.

Since then, I also got a subscription to Erotic Films and I’m on the lookout for a new site or two I can use when I need help diddling myself or getting things started with Mr. Austin.

Phone Sex Can Be Surprisingly Hot

I had no idea phone sex could be fucking intense.

I kind of thought it was something you settled for when your partner was out of town, not something you’d crave and go out of your way to enjoy.

Having phone sex for the first time changed my mind about the whole thing. I discovered that it can be incredibly satisfying to get yourself off while listening to someone get themselves off to you. Some dirty talk makes it even sweeter.

Unfortunately, I also found out that phone sex can get complicated, to say the least. My last round of it was absolutely miserable and upsetting.

But I’m not deterred. I’ve already tried it with my husband and he knew how to make it really hot and worth my while. If I only have phone sex with him going forward, it will still be a great discovery.

Dick Pics Can Be Beautiful

There’s one comment I keep seeing about dick pics: “No one wants to see that.”

I get it when it comes to unsolicited ones — I don’t want those in my DMs, either.

But if it’s the dick of someone I like, then yes, please, send me all the pics.

I’m a very visual person (don’t let the vagina fool you) and if I’m into someone, I’m into all of them. I want to see what they’re packing, and I get very excited by getting a look at it.

I knew I liked dick pics, but this year I got briefly involved with someone who didn’t just send me a lot of them — he also had a knack for taking great ones.

His cock shots were artful. They were in gorgeous black and white. And he had a talent for composition, so I could look at dozens of photos of his dick and they all felt different and original.

Those dick pics were so good they opened up my eyes to erotic photography in general. Seeing them gave me some ideas I could use when taking nude shots of myself. Even though those are mostly for my eyes only, I’ve enjoyed improving my skills (and getting to admire some cocks along the way).

I Can Actually Have Doggy Style Sex

I know that sounds like a weird thing to discover in my thirties. I knew I could have doggy style sex. I just didn’t know I could have good doggy style sex with my husband.

Any time we tried that position, it hurt. At best, I could withstand a bit of slow, shallow fucking, but I could never get the kind of pounding I wanted out of it.

This year, I figured out what the issue was: his cock curves. And because it does, it jabs me the wrong way when I’m on my knees.

Once we knew what was wrong, we could figure out how to fix it. All he needed to do was shift his angle. If he gets it right, he can finally give me a very decent, hard fucking.

The Sex Script Is Meant to Be Broken

My whole life, I bought into the idea that sex has a script.

You can switch things up, get creative, and do whatever the hell you want, but at the end of the day, sex starts with foreplay, moves into some fooling around, and ends with penetrative sex.

This year, I finally let go of that idea.

Sometimes, penetration isn’t the last thing on the menu.

Sometimes, there’s no penetration at all, and we just use our hands and mouths on each other.

Sometimes, I just want to give his cock a long massage.

Sometimes, I just want to get eaten out until I can’t take it anymore.

Of all the discoveries I made this year, this is probably the one that improved my sex life the most.

I’m Really Into Control Play

I’ve always had a bit of a submissive side. But until I really explored it, I didn’t realize it’s such a big part of my sexual identity.

I found out that I have a really hard time getting aroused and feeling in the moment if I have to take a dominant or leading role. It just doesn’t feel natural or sexy.

I also discovered that I can get into a very euphoric state when I feel like I’m giving up control to someone I trust.

Some of the hottest things I’ve done this year have been sex acts that let me really tap into my subby side.

I had an extremely memorable night when my husband told me to stay completely quiet while we fucked (and denied my orgasm whenever I made a sound).

I got off like crazy when he blindfolded and handcuffed me.

And I’ve been extra excited for Christmas since he hinted that one of his presents for me is “bondagey.”

I never thought of myself as someone who was into BDSM because I’m not into pain. And my submissiveness is relatively tame (I don’t get off on being caged or pulled around on a leash or anything like that). But learning that it’s a role I love to play has let me lean into it more and communicate what I want to my (thankfully more dominant) partner.

Silicone Lube Is Amazing

I started using lube years ago, but I didn’t know a lot about it. I knew there were different types, but I wanted to keep it simple. I didn’t want to bother keeping track of which lube was for what, which could be used with toys, and which were safe with condoms.

So, I memorized one thing and one thing only: water-based lube is all-purpose. You can use it with sex toys. You can use it with condoms. You can use it for everything from handjobs to anal.

I made sure any lube I bought was water-based. That way, I would never have to think twice when reaching for it.

This year, I wanted to take my lube game more seriously. I looked into different kinds and settled on Uberlube. It’s silicone-based, so for the first time in my life, I was going to have to be careful to keep it away from most of my sex toys. But everyone raved about it and I wanted to see what the big deal was.

The hype was completely justified. Not just for Uberlube (though it’s still my favorite), but for silicone-based lube in general.

Silicone lube has been a game changer for me. It’s so much fun to use. If I’m not using any toys or using flavored lube while giving head, I always use silicone. It’s slipperier, slicker, and long-lasting. If I could use it for everything, I would.

My Husband’s Delayed Ejaculation Isn’t About Me

My husband has severe delayed ejaculation. It’s probably due to a combination of phimosis and death grip (though the death grip might itself be due to phimosis).

Simply put, I can’t make him come. I’ve done it exactly once in the last fifteen years we’ve been together, and it was a complete chore.

I would love to make him come. I know it would be hot as fuck if I could. But my biggest problem with it has been my insecurities.

I felt embarrassed at not being able to make my own husband come (that feels even more embarrassing now that I’m a sex writer). I also felt guilty because I was on the receiving end of so many orgasms but I couldn’t give him a single one.

This year, I took a long, hard look at this. I had a lot of frank conversations with him. I let him know how I feel. He let me know how he feels. And we’ve both come to a place of acceptance.

His delayed ejaculation is hopefully something he won’t be dealing with forever. He’s taking steps to remedy it. I’m trying to find techniques that can help him get off (the closest I’ve come is the time I whaled him). In the meantime, I’ve made peace with it. I’ve come to realize it’s just the way he’s built and it’s what he brings to the bedroom. It’s got nothing to do with me.

Now, we just have fun. I get him to finish himself off and I don’t worry too much about the fact that I can’t do it for him. I just put in a decent effort, give him as much pleasure as I can, and feel satisfied that I’ve successfully fulfilled my wifely duties.

We All Need Pussy Massages in Our Lives

If you have a pussy, get it massaged.

If you don’t have one, start massaging them. With consent, obviously (I’m Emma Austin, not Donald Trump).

Pussy massages are very sensual, relaxing, and intimate.

But unlike a sensual, relaxing, and intimate massage, this one makes you come. A pussy massage always ends with a wallop of an orgasm. For me, it’s almost always a laughing orgasm (easily one of my top 3 types of orgasm).

It feels like a massage with a happy ending (and a happy beginning). I feel extremely relaxed and satisfied after getting one.

There’s no downside whatsoever (other than the fact that I’m the only one getting off from them). I can even enjoy them when I’m not totally in the mood because they’re just so pleasurable and the buildup is slow and subtle.

When I first got one, I told my husband I kind of wanted one every week. That was a lie. What I really wanted were daily pussy massages. But I know that’s a big ask.

I Should Never Stop Trying New Things

This year, I branched out a lot.

I experimented in my late teens and then I quickly fell into a sex rut. And that rut only got deeper with time. Sex became predictable to the point of almost being boring.

Researching and experimenting put the spark back into my sex life. Only it was less like a spark and more like a flash fire.

Now, everything I do is playful, exploratory, and focused on the joy it brings me and my partner.

I used to be quick to strike things off my list. I tried a couples sex toy and didn’t enjoy it, so I stopped using them altogether. I fell into a routine with sex, so I stopped having as much of it instead of trying to spice things up.

This year, though, I’ve been giving everything a second chance, and some things a first chance. I’ve changed my mind about multiple things because I come to sex with a very open attitude.

That attitude allowed me to grow so much in so little time. And I know I’m not done. There’s still so much more to explore and try out. So, I’m looking forward to another year of unboxing sex toys, trying weird sex tips, and just seeing what else will tickle my fancy.

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