How to Be an Active Sexual Participant When You’re the Bottom

Being on the receiving end doesn’t make me a starfish

There’s no perfect word for the role I play when I have sex.

I think of myself as submissive, but that has some BDSM connotations that don’t match the mostly semi-vanilla sex I enjoy.

I think of myself as a bottom, but I know that has some connotations that don’t have much to do with the way I fuck my husband.

I like the term pillow princess, but I love giving oral so that’s not a great fit either.

The best way I’ve found to describe my sexual style is to say I’m a sexual little spoon. But that sometimes takes a little explaining.

No matter what label I put on it, what it boils down to is that I like having my partner take the lead, but without ever getting too forceful.

I need to know I’m in control but I love the feeling of giving up some control to someone I can trust.

I prefer positions that make me feel like I’m getting fucked over those that make me feel like I’m the one doing the fucking.

I love the feeling of being given what I want instead of taking what I want. And I love the feeling of my partner taking what they want (as long as it’s something I’m happy to give).

I’m flirty and coy but I like being seduced. I know how to get things going but I want to feel like it’s someone else’s desires for me driving them to initiate things.

I consider myself a giving partner, but I still get off on dynamics that make me feel like I’m the one on the receiving end of the action.

It’s the role I love to play and I’m completely unapologetic about it. But it used to bother me.

I heard guys complain about the women they fucked. They made fun of the ones who just laid there and took it. They called them dead fucks, dead fish, and mocked them for starfishing.

I didn’t want to be that woman. I wanted to feel sexy. I wanted to know that fucking me is a fun ride, not a convenient one. I didn’t ever want to be considered a let-down.

So, I felt embarrassed that I always wanted to be the bottom. It’s something I never actually admitted out loud to anyone, and it was definitely not something I felt proud of.

I even felt a bit guilty about it. I worried I wasn’t pulling my weight. I married a man who was very good at fucking me — I wanted to be able to pay him back by being good, too.

So, once in a while I tried to push myself out of my comfort zone. I wanted my husband to experience what it was like to have a wife who doesn’t just get fucked but who fucks him. I wanted him to feel as hot and sexy as he made me feel.

I’d take a slightly more dominant role. I forced myself to initiate sex in a very explicit and overt way — I did everything but wiggle Groucho eyebrows at him. I took charge while we fucked.

But it didn’t work. I didn’t feel better about myself — I just struggled to get through sex. It was fun enough, I guess, but I could never get fully into it.

I felt like I was faking my way through every sex act instead of actually wanting to do them. The whole thing was unnatural for me.

That taught me something important. I’m not the sexual little spoon because I’m too embarrassed to act dominant. It’s not that I don’t have the confidence to take charge or that I’m too lazy to be the one in control. It’s that playing the dominant role just doesn’t get me wet.

I’m submissive in my own vanilla-ish way because it’s what turns me on. Plain and simple.

I had to learn to accept my role because it’s the only way for me to really get off. But what really helped is realizing that I wasn’t giving myself enough credit. Even though I wasn’t being more of a top, I was still an active participant in everything I was doing.

It’s more subtle, but I’m engaged the whole time I’m having sex. And it starts before the sex itself.

The Seduction Stage

I’m flirty. I love teasing playfully. And when I start something new with someone and I’m flooded with New Relationship Energy, I go all in and flirt pretty hard.

I’m not as overt about it in my marriage. I’ve settled and I’m comfortable. It’s still fun and sexy, but the NRE has faded early in my fifteen years with Mr. Austin. But we still flirt, and I think of myself as an active participant even if it’s not as obvious as it is when I have a new flame.

My husband will say some dirty things to me. He’ll be the one to make some wild sex promises and detail all the things he wants to do to me once we get to be together behind a locked door. He’s the one who will run his hands all over me and get me excited for him.

But I’m doing something, too. I’m giving him signals to show I’m receptive. I show my appreciation for his sexy words and I make it clear I’m open to hearing more. I react in ways that invite him to keep going and to escalate.

Sometimes, I’ll play a bit coy and tease him a bit. He knows me well enough to know that’s my way of challenging him to try harder and get naughtier (an occasion he always rises to).

And when he touches me, I’ll melt into him to let him know just how it makes me feel. He uses his words to promise he’ll fuck me — I use my body language to show him I can’t wait to take him up on it.

I like when Mr. Austin initiates sex in a very forward manner. It makes me feel hot when he kisses my earlobe, whispers some dirty things in my ear. I love how desirable I feel when he runs his hands down my waist, squeezes my hips, and especially when he bends me over the kitchen counter and presses himself against my ass so I can feel how hard his cock is.

My version of initiating is less aggressive. It involves doing little things to encourage him to engage me.

I’ll ask him to cuddle and I’ll press myself close against him. I’ll ask him to touch me or to give me a massage. I’ll propose that we watch porn, which basically only means one thing (even when I use the excuse that I might want to review the video). Recently, I asked him to read me an erotic story.

Other times, I’ll just plant a dirty idea in his mind and wait for him to act on it. This morning, I told him I think it would be really great if he handcuffed and blindfolded me and just had his way with me sometime. We both knew that by “sometime” I really meant “Let’s get the kids to bed on time and I’ll see you at 8 o’clock.”

And when I’m getting a massage, I’ll moan and arch my back to show him I’m getting aroused. I’ll make little appreciative noises when he’s rubbing my lower back so he knows I want him to give my ass a firm rub, too. When I’m ready, I’ll slowly inch my legs apart to let him know I want him to include my pussy in his massage.

I want to be seduced, but that doesn’t mean I just wait patiently for it. I help make it happen. I move it along. I push it forward.

And I keep that same attitude when we’re having sex, too.

Super Active Sexy Times

When we’re working through all the foreplay, I’ll take a more controlling role when I’m giving head.

I’ll tell my husband to lay on his back or stand by the edge of the bed so I can get in my favorite positions and give him the best blowjob I can.

That’s the exception, though. And even then, I’ll sometimes show him I’m down for a bit of gentle face fucking.

The rest of the time, I’m in little spoon mode. I let him take the lead but I still hold up my end.

While he’s stroking my clit or fingering me, I’ll rub or suck his cock. I’ll move my hips up as my way of asking him to fingerfuck me deeper or harder.

When he’s going down on me, I’ll stroke his hair or grip his head to encourage him to keep doing what he does so damn well. I might grind against his hand or his face so I can get in on the action and get more pleasure out of it. I’ll spread my legs wide to invite him to do as he pleases to me.

When we fuck in the missionary position, I’ll wrap my legs around his waist or wrap my arms around his neck. I’ll stroke his arms or grab his ass. I’ll hold my legs up to help him fuck me harder. He’s the one pumping into me, but I still get very physical with him.

When we’re spooning or doing a prone position, I’ll fuck him almost as much as he’s fucking me. I’ll push my ass against him, keeping with his rhythm so I can meet his thrusts. I do it so I can take him deeper, but also to show him how intensely I desire him.

After he’s given me an orgasm or two (or three) I’ll move to a different position so he can fuck me in it. That way, I’m guiding the action while he’s still the one to get it started. In some positions, like spooning, he’s got a few options for how to fuck me and I tend to let him decide — I lay on my side and try to look sexy while he picks which way he wants to take me.

Loud as Fuck

I also make it a point to be vocal.

There are two activities I need to take the lead with. There are blowjobs, which can be very triggering for me, to the point where I can’t even be asked to give one.

Then there’s anal, which is something I only want occasionally because it really depends on my mood. I have to be incredibly horny to want it, and even if I’m extremely aroused I might still not be feeling it.

But when I am in the mood for it, it can be fucking amazing and exactly what I need. So this little sub will put on her big girl panties and ask for it. When I want it, I’ll whisper “Why don’t you fuck my ass?” or if I’m feeling just a touch too shy I might just say “Why don’t you get the lube?” We use lube for all sorts of activities, but it’s the context that counts. When he’s already fucked me a few times and I roll over and present my ass to him before asking, he knows exactly what I want him to do.

The rest of the time, I make sure to moan, groan, and whine to let my husband know exactly how much I’m enjoying what he’s doing to me. It’s my way of feeling in the moment and of letting loose, but while also encouraging him and expressing gratitude for all the things he’s making me feel.

I’m getting more verbal, too, but it’s a work in progress. Asking to be fucked in the ass is some real next level stuff for me, but because I have a lot of practice saying it, I can use those words really casually. The rest of the time, I stick mostly to standard short exclamations like “Fuck yes!” and “Oh my God!” Though if I’m having a really insane orgasm, like the ones I get at the end of a pussy massage, I might just shout some string of expletives like “Holy Jesus fucking hell what the fuck!?”

I’ve started to use “Don’t stop” and “I’m going to come” more regularly. I’ve got a few other phrases in mind that I feel too shy or embarrassed to say, but I’m getting closer to letting them loose. I’m just waiting for the right moment when I feel excited and uninhibited enough.

Beyond Starfishing

I’ve been an active bottom for as long as I’ve been having sex. I never thought my job was to just lay there and wait for it to be over. But I still fell into the trap of not counting all the little, subtle ways I participated in the sex I was having.

I thought unless I was taking charge and taking control, I was just being passive.

But now I realize that sex is like a dance. And yes, I know how absolutely fucking cheesy that sounds, but in a dance there’s someone who leads. And when two people have sex, there’s usually someone who leads, too (and preferably that someone is not me). A dance still has two dancers, each with their respective roles. And I still take an active role when fucking even though I’m not the one leading.

I’ll admit none of what I do looks as physical, in charge, or impressive as the pounding and sweating my husband does, but it’s still work, it’s still conscious, and it’s still engaged the whole way through.

So if you think you’re just starfishing your way through sex, all you need to do is stop worrying, grind against your partner’s face, and moan some sexy shit while you’re doing it.

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