Why Are We Still Weird About Masturbation in Marriage?

Why do couples feel the need to be secretive about it?

When I was a teenager, a lot of my friends had the same attitude when it came to their boyfriends masturbating or watching porn. They thought it was completely inappropriate and insulting. Why would their boyfriends get themselves off instead of saving up all that energy until they could hook up again?

I remember thinking that they were completely nuts.

It was just a little harmless jerking off. Plus, weren’t we all masturbating?

Having the dissenting opinion made me feel open-minded and sexually progressive.

Until the night I walked in on my boyfriend pleasuring himself.

We were college kids, engaged to be married, and living in an apartment off campus. Still, we kept very different schedules. The future Mr. Austin was an early bird. He woke up hours before I did (and he still does). He would spend his mornings reading, studying, and working on term papers.

At least, I thought that’s all he did.

One night, I wandered out of our bedroom at around four in the morning and on my way to the bathroom, I caught sight of him stroking himself at his computer.

In a panic, he minimized the porn video he was watching and tucked away his cock as quickly as he could. He seemed really embarrassed to have me walk in on him.

I wish I could say that I was totally cool about it, but no. I did not have the chill reaction I thought I would have.

I just left without saying a word.

I felt awkward and embarrassed by the whole thing. I also had the same knee-jerk reaction my friends used to have: “Why does he even need to do that?”

We spoke about it briefly afterward. I said it was fine if he wanted to masturbate and I had no problems with it. The conversation was awkward. The situation was awkward. And it would stay awkward for almost ten years.

Self-Love with a Side of Guilt

Of course, my husband wasn’t the only one enjoying some masturbation in our relationship. I took part in it, too.

He knew about it. He had to. I kept a vibrator that I never used during sex, so it was pretty obvious.

But I never said anything about it. I’d use it privately and then make up some story about how I spent my time. I didn’t really lie to him — I just didn’t elaborate when I’d say “I just relaxed in bed for a while” or “I had a long bath.”

Part of the reason I never told him is that I was embarrassed. I was very comfortable admitting that I masturbated. But I was kind of mortified to admit that I masturbated that afternoon.

But a lot of it was guilt.

Our marriage has gone through a few dry spells. There were the two years or so I spent dealing with vaginismus, which took sex completely off the table. Then there were times when my hormonal issues resulted in a serious crash in my libido. I could go months without wanting to have sex or any sexual contact.

During those times, the last thing I wanted to do was admit to my husband that I was getting myself off while still not wanting to sleep with him. Even thinking about it made me feel terrible about myself.

Once I got a bit better and my libido returned (at least temporarily), I still felt too guilty to tell him I used my vibrator while he wasn’t around. After my body put a stop to sex for so long, I kind of felt like I owed him my arousal instead of masturbating.

And, yeah, I worried about what he might think. Would he think I did it because I wasn’t attracted to him? Because I didn’t love him enough to save myself for him?

I had no idea and I didn’t really want to find out. I’m the kind of person who always fears the worst.

So, most of our relationship, masturbation was treated like this abstract principle more than a concrete fact. We both figured the other one masturbated, but never went into any details.

The Recording That Sparked Our Masturbation Renaissance

I used to have countless opportunities to spend a little time with my vibrator.

My kids were still young enough to nap and go to bed early.

Mr. Austin was in grad school, which meant that he had to be on campus at various points of the day to teach courses, attend seminars, and have meetings with his advisors. He would also stay up late studying and working on his dissertation.

That gave me plenty of alone time in bed to do as I please. And to do myself as I please.

After earning his degree, he started working from home. We’d usually hang out in the evenings and then go to bed at the same time.

That arrangement was great for our sex life. But I spent a lot less time giving myself pleasure.

Then, one night, Mr. Austin was working late to meet a client’s tight deadline, and I had trouble sleeping. I decided to take care of that problem by taking care of myself.

There would’ve been nothing unusual in that, except this time I decided to record audio of my orgasms.

Being the nice wife that I am, I shared the file with Mr. Austin. Now, that’s not the kind of thing you can show your husband without him having a few questions.

He asked what made me decide to record myself, but also about my masturbation habits more generally. And we had a really candid conversation about it.

I told him that I didn’t do it very often, but that I also miss it.

Being a supportive husband, he immediately reassured me that he is not only fine with me doing it, he encourages me to. He also said I can let him know if I needed any privacy and he would give me the space I needed.

That’s all it took. After that one little conversation, I became more comfortable about pleasuring myself and talking about it. I could admit when I wanted to do it and when I had done it.

But we still needed one more conversation before we would be entirely open and transparent about our self-love.

Masturbating in Comfort and (Relative) Luxury

My husband has phimosis. In a nutshell, that means his foreskin is too tight and can’t retract when he’s erect. To take care of it, he has to stretch it out a couple of times a day. It’s not resolved yet, but he’s making progress.

And since he touches himself that much, he usually ends up masturbating because, hey why not?

Only, he’s been having the same trouble I’ve had. There’s no convenient time or place for a work-at-home father of four to play with his junk.

The kids are around all day and I’m in bed all night. So, he’s been doing it discreetly and out of everyone’s way in the cramped half bathroom we have on the main floor.

We discussed this arrangement a while ago and, unsurprisingly, he felt it was less than ideal. Standing in a tiny space between a sink and a toilet under clinically bright lights kind of sucked the romance out of self-love.

If I missed masturbating, he missed enjoying it.

I genuinely felt sorry for him. I really did. I tried to put myself in his shoes. How would I feel trying to get off in that space, with my back against the door and one foot propped up on the sink?

He deserves better than that. So, I invited him to take care of business in our bedroom.

I realized it might seem like a weird proposition — to stroke himself in bed while I’m either trying to sleep or just chilling out watching tv. But I figured if he didn’t feel awkward about it, then I wouldn’t either.

So, that night, I went to bed early and he politely asked permission to pleasure himself on his end of the bed.

I predicted I’d have a neutral attitude to him jerking off by me while I went about my business. I may have panicked the first and only time I walked in on my husband touching himself, but being married nearly 10 years makes you comfortable with pretty much anything.

As long as he’s not doing it while I’m on the phone with my doctor, it should be fine.

To my surprise, it was more than fine.

I had every intention of going to sleep as planned. But as I lay on my side, listening to him breathe more heavily than usual, I found it surprisingly hot. I turned over and watched him. It was dark. I didn’t have my glasses on. But what I could see was quite nice.

Watching him pleasure himself without it being a show, without having me as a participant, was really fun. I’ve seen him touch himself before, but this was the first time that I was a spectator and nothing more.

Watching him simply enjoy himself, just pleasuring himself for its own sake, was very arousing.

So, yeah, the results were positive. He got to masturbate in what amounts to luxury accommodations compared to where he was doing it before, and I got some entertainment out of it.

Needless to say, I invited him to do it again the next night.

That time, I kept my glasses on.

There’s No Shame in Taking a Little Me Time

I regret making masturbation such a weird thing in my relationship. No matter how open and honest we were with each other, we kept a kind of embarrassment around self-pleasure.

We’d both do it semi-secretly. Then, we’d say nothing unless we were pressed to do so.

I much prefer how open we are now. Because the truth is, our bodies are our own. We should do as we please with them, so long as no one gets hurt. And where’s the hurt in just enjoying the physical sensations we can give ourselves?

I want to have the freedom to masturbate whenever I want, without having to sneak around. And I want my husband to have the same liberty.

We all acknowledge that masturbation is natural and fun. But when we partner up, there’s a tendency to start thinking of sex as a shared activity. So, if we still touch ourselves, we usually do it without letting our partner in on it.

But that’s kind of silly isn’t it?

My husband and I go for walks most mornings. But Mr. Austin also enjoys going on the occasional walk by himself. Those solo adventures don’t cheapen our walks. I don’t get jealous or weird about the fact that he strolled down the road without me. And he certainly doesn’t have to sneak out of the house quietly, hoping I don’t realize that he’s just popped out for a minute without me.

Why should masturbation be any different?

I’ve come to realize over the last few years that masturbation isn’t just a substitute for sex or a lesser alternative. It’s a wholly separate activity, and it should be enjoyed as such.

Sometimes, you just want to enjoy a little me time. Or you want to reconnect with your body. Or just help yourself relax a bit without all the rigmarole involved in rubbing up against another human being.

There’s really no need to make it weird. Just because you pledged your love to someone else doesn’t mean you have to stop loving yourself.

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