I’ve Seen the Future of Dick Pics

The bar is high, but not unattainable

A few months ago, I made a very public confession.

Right here, on Medium, I admitted that I have never received a dick pic. Not a single one.

Some of you out there (especially the dudes) will think this is entirely unremarkable. Some of you (especially the gals) will be downright envious of my empty DMs. But it felt like a big deal to me.

I’m prone to being a bit self-conscious, so of course the first place my mind went to was “What am I doing wrong? Am I not pretty enough? Do I not seem cool enough online? Are the guys snapping pics of their wares somehow able to tell I’m a bit too awkward and a bit needy?”

And besides, I like looking at dicks, of all shapes, sizes, and color. I like people stripping off their clothes for others. I like wondering what people look like naked, and I especially like finding out.

But all I was getting in my DMs were partnership proposals and offers that sounded like the opening pitch for an MLM.

It was a real bummer.

Until the day one of my followers finally sent a dick pic my way.

And it completely ruined dick pics for me.

The Right Way to Send a Dick Pic

Shortly after sharing my tale of dickless woe, I received a surprisingly open and surprisingly polite email from one of my readers, Dr. Scott (a pseudonym, obviously). It seems he felt so bad for my plight that he decided to step up and expose his erection for my benefit.

But not before making sure I was entirely happy to receive it. He sought explicit and clear consent (the good kind, the enthusiastic kind) before attaching a single shot.

I mean, this guy was not just courteous, he was practically courtly. He assured me that his intentions were to provide me with the experience I was looking for, not to aggrandize himself. It was the exact opposite of what you’re told to expect when you sign up for Twitter and put anything but an egg as your avatar (and even then, you might not be entirely safe).

I can’t tell you how much I appreciated his approach. He understood a simple but important truth: that just because you whine on the internet that no one’s shown you their dick, it doesn’t mean you want to see any and every dick someone has to offer.

You still want to be selective. You want to be able to ignore the guys who act creepy or put up red flags. If you’re just not in the mood for it, you want the option to politely decline. And those are exactly the options Dr. Scott gave me. I felt safe, respected, and honestly pretty damn excited, because respect and consent (mixed in with a bit of charm) legit turn me on.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the right way to send a dick pic.

I had no idea what to expect. I wasn’t sure what kind of photos I’d get, what kind of dick this guy had, or how the hell I was going to respond after seeing it (when she taught me manners, my mother skipped all the dick stuff). I kind of thought I’d have a pretty chill reaction when some guy offered to send me his pics. After all, I’ve seen my fair share of cocks. I’m very familiar with the general concept.

But I was not chill. Not even close.

I was excited and giddy, but also incredibly flustered and kind of embarrassed. I felt awkward and shy, the way I do when someone’s hitting on me. It took me three full hours to muster up the courage to send a reply. After talking it over with my dear supportive husband, I finally took a deep breath, hoped for the best, and replied that yes, I would like to see his erection.

And I sat there waiting. Waiting and refreshing Gmail. I wasn’t sure what to do with my time. And frankly, I couldn’t do much. All I could think of was this mysterious dick and whether I had made a huge mistake consenting to this. Was it too late to delete the original blog post and change my pen name?

Luckily, Dr. Scott didn’t take long to relieve my agony. After only ten minutes, he replied with another kind email and a set of photos.

And let me tell you, I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. But agreeing to this guy’s photos is not one of them.

The Right Way to Take a Dick Pic

Truth be told, I didn’t exactly know what to expect from a dick pic. I kind of imagined it was going to be some offhand smartphone shot, probably a bit blurry and probably at an unflattering angle. I imagined it would be a clinical photo: a context-free penis just sort of standing there (or leaning a bit to one side?), a document that this penis did, in fact, exist, but not much more.

To say that Dr. Scott exceeded my expectations would be a serious understatement. He didn’t just send me some nice dick pics — he sent me dick pics that were nicer than I thought possible.

Honestly, I don’t really think of them as dick pics. I think of them as works of art. These were tasteful and well conceived self-portraits. They were in black and white, with great picture quality and amazing lighting. He had a flair for making use of vertical and horizontal lines, and the composition was admirable.

The shots were creative and the files had clever titles. This guy wasn’t just hard — he was obviously funny and smart, too, and he managed to convey that in these photos.

And, yes, his cock was very nice, too.

I would seriously consider blowing up and framing one or two of them, but I’m not sure how my mom would take it when she visits and I imagine it wouldn’t be long before one of my kids tells their teacher that “Mommy has penises on her wall.”

So, I guess I’ll just have to keep them in my private digital stash. (With backup copies in my spank bank.)

Dr. Scott’s dick pics ruined me. I don’t think your run of the mill snapshot down the waistband will do anything for me anymore. I’ve tasted high quality cock (well, visually anyway) and now I’m a little bit spoiled.

Now My Bar Is Set High

Dr. Scott proved for me what I always suspected: that dick pics can be fun, wonderful, and enticing.

There’s a sentence I keep coming across when people talk about dick pics, or even dicks in general: “Nobody wants to see that.” It’s part of this narrative we’ve bought into that men are visual creatures and women, I dunno, like to smell their lovers instead or something? I know not everyone is visually stimulated by the sight of an erection. For a long time, I wasn’t. But I am now, and I know I’m not alone.

There is a place for dick pics. What’s missing is the right approach to offering and delivering them. Miles Klee’s Great Solicited Dick Pic Experiment proves that plenty of people will want to receive dick pics if the whole affair is entirely consensual and not skeezy. And I know that first-hand from my interactions with Dr. Scott.

Dr. Scott also set the bar really high for aesthetic quality. But the bar should be high. Consent is the baseline when it comes to dick pics, but we should also get to expect more than just awkward shots with a messy bedroom in the background.

I can see how sending a dick pic can be fun and empowering, but receiving one should be, too. So, when someone agrees to see what you’re packing (or asks to see it), why not take a minute and consider what kind of shot they’d like to see.

Are they the artsy type? Maybe go for greyscale and play with the lighting a bit.

Do they prefer authenticity? Maybe spruce up your room or bathroom counter real quick and try to find a nice angle before sending a snapshot.

Or hey, maybe they’d even like you to dress it up. Throw some glasses on it or maybe even a hat.

(Now I’m curious. I might just have to google “cock with glasses.” If my ISP isn’t judging me for my search history already, they probably will by the end of the day.)

Don’t worry, guys, there’s no need to go over the top and make a whole production out of it. We’re not asking for set designs, fancy lighting rigs, and costumes (okay, maybe the glasses, just once). I don’t know about everyone else, but I’m a simple woman. No one has to put on an extravagant production just to get a one-handed reply from me.

So, just grab your camera, grab your dick, find a nice, uncluttered spot in your place, and give us something nice to gawk at.

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