SPORTS
Memphis Grizzlies Cater to the Woke Movement by Changing Their Team Name to Miss Piggy
Bitches be trippin
The NBA’s Memphis Grizzlies has prided itself on its old school, no bullshit mentality for years. Thanks to its new crop of young talent, it’s now rebranding itself from Grit n’ Grind to Bitch n’ Whine.
The small market team that once garnered appreciation for its success without flair and style has reversed the script when it drafted these young bloods.
- Ja Morant. An athletic ball handler who’s one bold, awkward, acrobatic dunk-landing away from tearing his ACL. This MVP-potential candidate is trying so hard to be like Derrick Rose that this South Carolina suburban athlete wants people to think he’s from the Chicago hood. Morant hit a teenage boy after a pick up basketball game and showed off a gun to prove he’s as “real” as it gets. Morant will be the first athlete to get into the hood as means to escape the NBA.
- Dillon Brooks. An overlooked defender who made his way to the starting position through hard, physical defense and petty fights. This Draymond Greene clone has riled up so many opponents that he’s been hurting his team through his suspensions and rule violations. Brooks has continued to take the bait from trivial trash talk so much that he tried to be “real” with a grandmother on the court. Brooks backed down after realizing that the “grandmother” was legendary NFL tight end Shannon Sharpe in a home-knit shawl.
- Jarren Jackson Jr. No, he hasn’t done anything bitchy. But are we gonna wait around until he does?
Realizing that the team’s culture shifted from hard physicality to “keeping it real” by whining and injuring opponents, Grizzlies owner Robert J. Pera decided to rebrand his team.
“We are excited for this new generation of Memphis Grizzlies basketball. However, we realize that this team doesn’t reflect the admirable qualities of a grizzly bear. Our star players get triggered too easily. They care more about being in the media than playing basketball the right way.
“It’s time we change our team name to honor our soft culture. We’d join the Miami Pitbulls as being the only two American teams to change our names to reflect the woke culture!
“By changing our team name to honor our soft identity, we’ll become a viable destination for free-agent superstars who act like bitches. Specifically MVP Kevin Durant. This man is as dedicated to being the best basketball scorer in history as he is to defending himself from Kevin Garnett’s trash talk on Twitter.
“Worst case, we can always pry All-Star Kyrie Irving from the Dallas Mavericks. We can entice Irving with our police brutality culture. Our Memphis police officers have beaten unarmed black teen Tyre Nichols to death for no reason. Irving will see Nichol’s death as a small price to pay for his forefathers’ sins of killing Jesus Christ.”
Pera opened up a contest for fans to decide what the new team name will be. The winner will get a handgun signed by Ja Morant.
After one week, fans responded with unique choices.
- Mariah Carrey. This “Queen of Christmas” was called a “bitch” by Eminem fans. Or as we call them, Eminem stans.
- Marsellus Wallace from Pulp Fiction. Turns out he looked like a bitch.
- Gwyneth Paltrow.
However, Pera closed the poll after the majority voted for the team name to be “Hitler did nothing wrong.”
“Who knew giving internet trolls a voice was a bad idea? Have we learnt nothing from Mountain Dew’s brand name campaign? Or did Hitler enthusiast Sean Hannity promote this team name on his show?
“Based on these terrible choices and blatant harassment of celebrity divas, we’re going to choose the name ourselves.
We’re pleased to announce the name change to Memphis Miss Piggies.
“Miss Piggy is an unlikeable bitch in The Muppets. She emotionally and physically abuses Kermit the Frog without taking responsibility for her actions. Miss Piggy is a narcissist who blames others for her feelings instead of resolving them through therapy.
“We can’t think of a better mascot for our team. Miss Piggy embodies our emotionally immature culture. The difference is that our stars actually have talent to get shit done.”
We reached out to Pera to ask him why he couldn’t use a female dog as a mascot. Pera laughed.
“Good one! But everyone loves dogs! They’re only bitches when you fail to take care of them!
“Furthermore, we’d face copyright infringement from the Cleveland Browns. They already have a dog mascot to represent their bitch organization. We, however, don’t want to be associated with the Browns because we have morals. We may be bitches, but we won’t stoop so low to sign a rapist to a $230 million guaranteed contract.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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