Woke Movement Claims The Dolphin Mascot Perpetuates Rape Culture

Woke movement, or cancel culture, has successfully convinced corporate sponsors to change the Washington Football Team’s name. Now, it’s about to do the same with the Miami Dolphins.

Back in 2013, Jennifer Welsh of Business Insider released a scathing article. This article detailed the world’s most beloved and adorable rapists that put even Ted Bundy to shame: dolphins.

“Dolphins Are Dangerous Animals That Could Rape You And Kill Your Baby,” quoted Welsh. She went into excruciating detail on how male dolphins procreate with female dolphins.

• Gang rape — Gangs of two or three male dolphins isolate a single female from her family and rape her repeatedly for hours, days, or weeks
• Infanticide — Male dolphins who want to mate with female dolphins kill the female’s babies. Apparently, the death of their offspring makes females more receptive to the male’s sexual advances
• Stalking — Dolphins can stay awake for 5 days straight to wreak havoc. This allows males to relentlessly pursue females if they ever escape their captive

A Twitter user named SJWonderWoman got ahold of this article and started spreading the news on Twitter. She posted this harrowing tweet.

“What is the message that the NFL is trying to send when they have a team called the Miami Dolphins? Are they perpetuating gang rape and infanticide for procreation? Disgusting!”

Pretty soon, #DownWithDolphins started trending on the social network. Following tweets with that hashtag include:

“I know nothing about a dolphin’s tendency to rape. But dolphins are swimmers. And Stanford rapist Brock Turner was a swimmer. Coincidence? I think not. Change the name!”

“As a marine biologist, I am appalled that a professional organization would choose dolphins. The dolphins perpetuate negative stereotypes of aquatic creatures. Not all water animals are evil.”

“Nearly a trillion fishes die every year. 1/8 of those deaths come from dolphins murdering all fishes, including their own kind. Dolphins are hurting human’s food and protein supply. The NFL is subtly encouraging humanity's downfall by allowing the dolphin's name.”

“How will my 2-year old boy feel if he sees his idol Tua Tagovailoa wearing a team jersey whose mascot kills infants for fun?”

Others fired back, claiming that the woke movement has gone too far.

“Joe Robbie named the team the dolphins, as the dolphin is one of the fastest and smartest creatures in the sea. This is honoring speed and intelligence! We would have named the team the Miami African-Asians, but that’s somehow racist.”

“Yes, dolphins kill porpoises for sport. However, football involves humans killing other humans through CTE brain damage. Yes, the humans’ deaths aren’t immediate, but the concept is the same.”

“Oh come on, how can anyone think dolphins are rapists? They’re ADORABLE! Just look at them! They’re sweet, warm, and cuddly!”

“I came from a family of aquatic creatures and I am 1/16 dolphin. I can proudly say that my family engaged in consensual relationships.”

Owner Stephen M. Ross has yet to comment on changing the name. But he is facing immense pressure after he recently lost sponsorship from Aquaman. An insider of the organization said Ross is strongly considering naming the team the Miami Pitbulls, as the owner is a huge fan of the Latino rapper formerly known as Mr. Worldwide.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

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