SOCIETAL INJUSTICE
Fox News Honors PETA As 2022’s Biggest Incel
Animal Lecter
Years of involuntary sexual repression has once again resulted in meaningless violence.
These actions by PETA have been recognized by Fox New’s Annual Golden Chastity Belt Awards as the World’s Biggest Incel. China’s envoy LeBron James came out to present this award.
“For the 10th year in a row, PETA took home this notorious award. This organization made greatness look so normal that I feel compelled to give them my crown.”
Voters are furious that the Academy have decided to once again give a veteran this honor. A fan took to Twitter to cry.
“This show is a joke! Everyone knows it should have been given to an up-and-coming artist who was responsible for the 2021 Atlanta Spa shooting. Once again, the Academy routinely passed over misogynistic terrorists for vegans!”
We don’t know what to be scared of more.
- The academy seeing involuntarily celibate people killers more likely to protect animals.
- PETA killing more animals behind the scenes, while championing animal rights in public.
Here are a list of crimes PETA committed during their “animal rights” campaign.
- Stealing and euthanizing pets without the owners’s consent. 97% of owners were unaware of this. The other 3% were too drunk to notice.
- Killing specific breeds such as pitbulls because they are “too ugly”. Music fans rejoiced at the thought of never hearing Mr. Worldwide on the radio again.
- Killing 90% of animals within 24 hours of rescue. The other 10% survived the attempt, but were left disfigured. On the bright side, these feral animals had a second chance at life when they were eligible for politics.
- Funding terrorism to burn down laboratories just to free animals who were test subjects. PETA was committed to “rescuing” these disease-carrying organisms just so they can kill these creatures themselves.
We reached out to CEO Ingrid Newkirk, who confirm all the crimes PETA committed.
“PETA doesn’t advocate ‘right to live’ for animals. PETA acts as a God for all animals. Only PETA decides when an animal lives or dies.”
Newkirk sighed.
“It wasn’t always like this. PETA did try to protect animals. However, we were too committed to the cause that our significant others left us! I divorced my husband of 12 years in 1980, and haven’t made love to another man since.
“We members failed to attract and maintain partners, thus suffering as involuntarily celibates. I need to find an outlet to channel my sexual frustrations on! That’s how I discovered animal killing! Not for food. For pleasure!”
Newkirk glared at us.
“Don’t give me that nasty look! It’s fine for hunters and rich nepo babies to brag about gaming tigers. Why isn’t it fine for us normal folk to torture domestic creatures?
“It’s these animals fault for stealing all the attention and love we incels deserve. Why should pets get all the affection and love by doing nothing? Our lives are worth way more than these useless creatures.”
We argued that pets such as dogs will continue to spread love and joy and ask for very little in return. Newkirk countered.
“I can spread love too! I have a vagina! Wouldn’t you rather pet my pussy instead of a cat?”
“I can offer sex! Romantic pleasure is greater than companionship! All my mate has to do is love me for who I am. I’m not going to change myself for anyone, and I refuse to be called out on my toxic traits! That’s a small price to pay for getting my mate to come.”
“Don’t all men want sex? If so, then why did my husband dump me? He chose solitude with his pet instead of companionship with a woman! Is he sleeping with his dog? If he loves beastiality so much, then why doesn’t he stick it up my ass?
“I am angry that my ex left me hurt and alone. Instead of moving on, I stole his dog and killed it. That will teach him not to hurt me ever again.”
We asked Newkirk why she engaged in incel behavior, despite claiming she openly “supports” animal rights?
“No one will support PETA if they found out that we are just an animal slaughterhouse. We need to actually show that we give somewhat of a shit about these creatures. This will raise our funding and keep us in business for years to come.
“It’s difficult to be profitable when other animal rights activist groups actually care about keeping animals safe. We had to resort to lies, fake news, shock campaigning, violent video games, and over the top lawsuits just to get more attention. We became successful by following the Republican Party blueprint!”
Newkirk pulled out a list of lies that PETA spread to raise funding for their savage cause.
- Suing a photographer for profiting off his own picture of a macabre named Naruto. Newkirk stated that as a God of animals, PETA should deserve the profits.
- Developing horror video games such as Mario Kills Tanooki and Pokemon: Black and Blue. Newkirk stated that virtual animals are a mockery of real animals and something PETA can’t profit off.
- Lying that eating chicken creates autism and shrinks a penis size. To Newkirk’s credit, she did say this while taking a bite out off her Chik-Fil-A crispy chicken sandwich.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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