Fiction, Humor, Satire, Writing
Imagine Sheldon On Medium
Reflections from the inner world of rowdy writers, editors, curators, publishers, and platform owners
This piece is my first fiction attempt at a new style. The main character is fictitious. Sheldon, from The Big Bang Theory, inspired me to enrich the main character of this story. I structured the story under five scenes.
Five failed roles of Mr. BS in a content platform
The Beginning
Mr. BS always gets what he wants. That is the quality he admires most in himself. So, when he happened to find a content platform, Mr. BS searched the “How to Make Money Articles” with tenacious veracity as a priority.
He wondered if he could invent a way to stay, never sleep until he read them all. However, humanity got the best of him again, and he slept nightly. Given that he was earning his Bachelor of Science (BS) degree simultaneously, his sole desire was to make thousands of dollars with no time spared.
Blah, blah, blah: the articles became a monotonous vehicle that led to similar ideas. He had no time for that as he slurped down spaghetti noodles one by one that his mother had brought him for dinner. Instead, he swiftly changed his focus on becoming a high-earning writer on the platform. But how?
[Now, everyone wants to make big bucks fast on content platforms. However, what a newbie writer does not realize is it takes time to understand the process.]
Writers pour their hearts and soul into their content in hopes of the big payoff: going viral! Mr.BS recognized that writing takes effort and he was far too busy for that. He also noticed that his mother’s laundry folding smashed a couple of shirts and vented to her on the phone how busy he is now as a successful writer in a new content platform!
Scene 1: Mr. BS, The Writer
Oh yes! He remembered all the science essays he wrote as part of his BS degree, many with 30,000 words or more. He bellowed, “Why to write when I already have essays, I can publish?”
After publishing some of his science essays, he became consumed with his stats. He pushed the refresh button on his stats page until his fingers turned blue. Yet, no one read his articles.
Fast on his feet, he used an artificial intelligence system to turn his elongated essays into a novel and pushed the submit button. Then he quickly turned back to Facebook, where he spent most of his time and boasted that he was a published writer on a content platform. Although having no stats to show was one thing, when no one liked his post, he became inflamed.
Undefeated, he returned to submitting his longest stories while private notes welcomed him with rejection.
“This guy made thousands of an article about how to keep your potty box clean, and I am writing dissertations here. Why is the world so unfair?” He hissed with envy.
Luckily, one publication agreed to accept his work. And it was not even the publication he started starring himself! Soon, he whipped out 500 articles, jamming the queue and frustrating innocent editors. He believed if Tim, Sinem, and Shannon could do it, this would be a no-brainer for him.
“That is the editors’ job. No one wants to work anymore,” he quipped after deleting a private note from Britni. “And you can suck on my big toe; my image is just fine!”. He started attacking Liam, who genuinely wanted to help him. Even friendly Joe, angelic Tree, and miraculous Selma couldn’t handle his arrogance.
“Let’s see; if I turn in 500 articles a day, each making a dollar, my bank account would rise from minus $26.13 plus penalties for an overdraft to $500 a day. That $15,000 a month was already burning a hole in his pocket”. Or was it the pack of matches he stole from the corner bar? It did not matter. He would be able to buy all the pants he needed with cash!
Clogging the submission queues of publications earned him a reputation within days. The editors chose to lift writers upward, but he gave them no choice but to begin to reject them. There were niceties in the publishing business that Mr. BS excused himself.
Well, he was not going to stop scrolling on Facebook for nothing. He wrote to the editors, arguing and foreshadowing the possibility that he should be an editor himself. But the opportunity was not there, so he switched tactics.
Sex. Sex sells! Clearly, Tim, Sinem, and Shannon did not know that. He patted himself on the back for his original idea and began to write imaginary sex stories because most of life lacked any sexual activity. The best part is when he tried to explain some tricks about foreplay. He did not realize a woman wants to rumble in bed and not be caressed into falling asleep. Still, he continued.
Lesson learned, sex does not always sell nor does politics or stories about drug addiction for that matter. Mr.BS was starting to fret. He donned on his Nordstrom robe that he stole during an anniversary sale and began to ponder.
He could see one editor in the queue, and he went onto the Slack channel with a few choice words. “I have seen your profile, and you write like crap. You must have paid for those claps because all I felt like was puking with every word I read!”
“Oh dear,” the editor thought, “We got a loose one on our hands!” And then she checked her stats only to be surprised by a few thousand more reads. Such is life when you work for it.
When one of his sex, drug, politics, mental health, tech, and how to improve your writing articles made it to a publication, he began adding requests for applause and followers. None ensued.
Vindictiveness found its way into Mr. BS’s head. If no one cared about his content, then he was willing to sabotage anyone in his way. Sometimes he highlighted whole articles from front to end that he never bothered to read.
Other times he clapped randomly as if he was spinning the wheel on The Price is Right and clapped wherever it landed. Drew has lost weight, he reminded himself and then went back to his juvenile ways.
Finally, he manipulated the system by creating a fake resume and became an editor of a publication: a job requiring his expertise.
Scene 2 — Mr. BS, The Editor
To be acknowledged made Mr. BS feel like suggesting he become Senior Editor on his first day. But, first, he checked the stats of the publication, wondering how the other side lives.
For him, other writers were merely inadequate amateurs who awaited Mr BS’s bidding. After writing dozens of rude and inconsiderate notes to those waiting to be published, he could not stop laughing at his most unruly remark. “There are many janitorial jobs that you could apply for, hurry before the stock market crashes. If you know what a stock market is. Because Hemingway shot himself overwork like yours!”
Continuing to find fault in all the submissions, the publication owner injected his authority. Mr. BS did not like authority. In fact, it appeared authority gave him a nasty rash in places his sex stories could never go. Mr. BS created false allegations against the publication, trying to disprove the publication owner, by replacing intelligence with total belligerence.
Collecting as much fake evidence as he could, while disrupting his social media role, Mr. BS reported the publication with declarations of lies, retorts, and convincing arguments. The publication shut down for a day. Mr. BS showed them.
But Mr. BS was no big shot, and the editors reported his acts of misconstruing how the publication run. Fired, branded his forehead, but his mom brought over some of her finest cover-up makeup and he swindled a few more publications only to be released from his duties immediately.
His account was suspended.
But he did not give up. He wouldn’t let the MAN get him down. He decided to join the platform with a fake account, circumventing attention, by claiming his old account was that of his nephew. Finally, the money will come, and mom brings peanut butter, and jelly sandwich with the crust cut off just like he liked it. Once again, he perceived the world as his oyster.
Scene 3 — Mr. BS, The Curator
He fell asleep hungry because mom had to take two trains and a bus to get to his studio apartment. While asleep, the grandest dream materialized placing Mr. BS, not as a stinky writer nor an incompetent editor, but gaining the most sought after position on the platform: curator! A star was born!
With all the control in his hands, his ingenious mind marveled at the possibilities. Yes! Celebrities’ content would be curated but no others. And because he felt he was a man of empathy, he curated articles about chewing gum as a way to lose weight while discarding high-quality content in sustainability and philanthropy.
Unfortunately, life has a way of catching up to even the most clever fiends. And the curator position was ejected from Mr.BS, and he awoke to old bread and too much grape jelly. The nightmare was reflected in many of his spamming stories.
Scene 4 — Mr. BS, The Publication Owner
Sometimes the beginning is where you begin in the end. As happenstance found him, he had one publication of his own that he left empty while pursuing the mighty green domination that he desperately needed.
Three publications championed out of the gateway owned by Mr. BS. And for Mr. BS championing means not getting caught. Quickly, he noticed that owning a publication came with unwanted responsibilities and challenges he was unwilling to meet. He noticed that other publications’ stats skyrocketed while his stats stayed at a temperature-controlled baseline below freezing.
One publication, in particular, caught his eye. He remembered their name and all the “free love” bs to which they were committed. They helped writers. They showcased their stories and the editors gave valuable suggestions to help the writers meet their goals towards excellence.
Like a mortar to a stone, Mr. BS firmly decided that he would demolish these publications by setting fire through his words to his writers that they were prohibited to write for the successful publication that impeded his success.
It takes maturity to realize that competition is helpful and Mr. BS lacked the most minute ability to use logic. He was out for blood: writing unscrupulous poems and articles about the rival publication. Yet, time passed, as it always does, and his attempts to undermine his competitor was met with disbelief. It was then when he made his proudest move.
Scene 5— Mr. BS, The Platform Owner
He was not a lucid dreamer, but a megalomaniac fit him fine. He dreamed that he would no longer waste his time as an under link and used the fake Monopoly money he hid in his wallet to become the owner of the whole writing platform.
But like all those who take shortcuts to the top, his dream turned into a nightmare. Even FaceBook rejected him in this dream. In a cold sweat, he awoke only to remember he was still a member of a platform with several fake followers named Harry, Larry, Sharry, and Laila.
The real performers like Tim, Shannon, and Sinem still seemed to prosper on this platform, and he went full-on undercover to investigate how they made money.
He tried and tried to find the secret; the secret of making money without talent or effort. Each time he failed. He even committed the deadliest sin: plagiarizing submissions only to be thrown out of the publications and back to the lukewarm pot roast his mother made for the week.
With softened carrots stuffed in the mouth, similar to what he found in his pants, he continued to dog the system using new techniques every day. But to no avail.
The End
Epilogue
The dream ended with moral decay and judgments shift.
Mr. BS did not believe in morals, but fortunately other writers did.
Only smart and hard work got recognized.
The platform went on; the successful publication blossomed and assumed greater success by adding a new addition for the writers and readers who loved to write and read high-end stories that gave meaning to their lives.
Mr. BS took up chewing Hubba Bubba grape gum. He has lost no weight thus far with advice he got from his imaginary curated content.
And his loving mom, like many before her, told him to F off.
No one has tolerance for arrogance and toxic behavior.
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Sample Humorous Stories
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