MEDIUM ETIQUETTE

I’m That Asshole Who Misses the First Letters When I Highlight Your Article

I also clap less than 50 times

I feel shame.

My actions may have made you, Dear Writer, believe I didn’t read all your words.

Let me assure you, I did.

I have read your words and some of them even moved me to highlight — you know, to show the places I laughed or agreed with you. I know you know which bits are funny, but you didn’t know, until that moment, which bits I agreed were also funny.

Validation.

But, I do feel ridiculous. Why, oh why, are we talking about highlighting when we could talk about clapping. Everyone is talking about it. Clap this, clap that, have the clap.

It’s all around!

I will admit though, I’m also the asshole who can’t be bothered to hold down the hand until I get to 50. Even if your article is worth 50. I just can’t be fucked. I will get to 20 if I liked what you wrote and might even share it on Twitter, but 50 is rarefied air.

This goes to me being lazy. Which I have admitted.

I read your whole article, trust me, and you got a penny for that, at about 20 claps, I’m bored of clapping. I’d love a slider for claps. I’d move that fucker to 50 every time (taking away a few if there are typos because, as you see in the above article, I’m judgy that way. Feel free to delete a few claps if I do it too. Fair’s/fair.).

This article sums up the genius of claps and uses math. ❤

One clap though — well that is the equivalent of Nancy Pelosi at The Cheeto’s State of the Union address. Don’t do that.

You may also have noticed, I could be charged with being a lazy Tweeter, lazy Instagrammer, lazy self-promoter, lazy friend-promoter. I never even remember to put my ‘follow me’ shit at the bottom of my own articles.

Get off my back for the lazy highlighting and the less-than claps.

I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN!

Now I’m yelling. Fuck. Look what you made me do?

Oh, and This Asshole has basically told me I had to be concerned about tagging too!

I can’t get this ‘change the name on the tag’ to work btw (I blame the new Medium upgrade!) so I’m just gonna do tagging the OG way.

SO JUST STOP!

If my lazy actions are causing you to lose valuable pennies, you can have any of the 432 I earned this month. They were burning a hole in my pocket anyway.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on audience development. I SUCK. I want people to subscribe. I want to buy a new pair of socks. Look, I want a lot of things.

So I’m throwing all the shit here in one post. I don’t care anymore.

I wanted to write, magically have people read, love, and share. That was my dream seven years ago when I started writing on the internet.

Now, I just want to be left alone and have people read, love, and share the stuff I’ve already sent to the world for consumption so I can finish my fucking manuscript in peace!

Just in time to have to start all the fucking mess over.

And would somebody read my shit already so I can feel like I’m doing something right? I lost my top writer in satire status and I’m pissed.

Fuck.

Smillew Rahcuef Kristen Stark Rocky Shores Michael Burg, MD (AKA Medium Michael Burg) Amy Sea Reuben Salsa Gunner Barrett Hogan Torah Christine Stevens Roz Warren David B. Clear KiKi Walter Uvebruce BichoDoMato Preeti Ramachandran David Perlmutter

I feel better. I love Medium! Don’t you?

The Asshole also suggested I include links to a bunch of my stuff, so here goes.

I feel exposed and now I need to share this abomination. Why can’t it just be easy? I can do easy. Easy is my superpower.

Alas.

Hi, Curators/Bots. You’re looking fine. Been hitting the gym, I see. I love a bot with abs. Keep up the good work.