About Me — Kristine Laco

My middle finger is my favorite

I write satire and humor on Medium most often. It gives me lots of time to procrastinate on my first memoir — currently in the never-ending editing phase of its life. I’ve re-written the beginning so many times I am numbed.

Satire refires the synapses.

I had to look up how to spell synapses.

I spell words the American way while here because I was sick of the comments about my use of proper English word spellings — I received none, btw, but I could hear your judgment through the screen. Now my computer prefers favorite vs favourite.

You win.

I don’t follow for follow. I follow people who amuse me or I can somehow profit from.

I was once Top Writer in Satire. I lost the title. I feel shame.

Out of university, my first job was with the Nordic World Ski Championships. I was a marketer by day and a mascot, also by day, in a giant beaver costume.

You can say it. I know you’re thinking it.

As a mascot, I threw the first pitch at a professional baseball game, rode a Zamboni, and was manhandled by the number one skier in the world as she tried to remove my head on live TV.

I also got a panic call that that same Russian skier was trying on jeans at a local store without using the changeroom or remembering to wear underpants.

It was my favorite job of all time.

My husband of twenty-seven years and I lived in Melbourne for the first three years of our marriage. We left Thunder Bay, Ontario four days after our wedding. The airline employee screamed, “These are one way!” and showed our tickets to everyone within his general area.

I felt like a rock star.

While in Melbourne, I worked at a steel company and next to the facility was a whore house. I knew this because it was highlighter pink in an industrial zone and the noon-hour parking situation was intense.

After that, I wrote postage stamp ads for a porn company offering phone sex. My favorite tagline to a naked woman wearing pearls was “I’d rather be wearing your pearl necklace.” The Creative Director changed it to “I’d rather be wearing the pearl necklace you bought me.” They fired me when the client was unhappy but I wonder if my copy had been selected whether I’d still be there.

When we returned to Canada, I worked for Lavalife as their Brand Manager. I loved it there and got to use my potty mouth without judgment.

Then I had our daughter.

When I returned to work after maternity leave, the place had changed. You had to ask permission to swear, to which I replied, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”

They were not fucking kidding. I left.

Now I’m a full-time mother to a dog (oh, and two grown kids).

I write every day, except on days I don’t.

I hate Facebook and the word hate.

I love coffee even though it’s a cliché.

I just figured out how to do the accent without googling it to copy and paste. I won’t tell you so you can find the joy yourself.

Writing a newsletter is next on my list in preparation for some agent asking how many people are on my mailing list which is currently two. I cried the last time I tried to figure out the template thing and I thought to hire someone to help.

Then I thought about pizza. I got neither.

So, no newsletter yet. But if you go to my website, and I’ve got my act together, you might be surprised.

If you got this far, we can be friends. If you also have imposter syndrome, we should probably have coffee and cry.

After coffee, you could end up on my Acknowledgements Page. Provided I ever finish my fucking manuscript!