HUMOR
I’m In Love With a Pufferfish and No One Cares
Why is CNN not covering my journey?
“A monkey-loving woman has been banned from visiting a male chimpanzee at a zoo in Antwerp, Belgium, after officials declared their relationship unhealthy for the animal’s socialization with other chimps.” — NY Post
Adie Timmermans, the woman banned from the Antwerp Zoo for starting a relationship with a chimp is a chump.
Yeah, I said it.
She’s been visiting the male chimpanzee weekly for four years and the media is calling it Monkey Love. She waves at him, kisses the glass, and essentially makes a fool of herself when children are trying to enjoy the otherwise wholesome chimps swinging from the trees, smearing feces on each other, and playing with their junk.
First. Where is her commitment?
Second. Why does she feel the need to ruin childrens’ fun?
Third. Seriously, a chimp. Could you get any more cliché? “Oh, I’m Adie, and I’m in love with a male primate who doesn’t hog the remote. He’s everything I ever wanted in a mate.” She might as well write letters to David Berkowitz.
I, on the other hand, am in love with a pufferfish and no one is even taking notice.
Each night, I squirrel away in the local Aquarium in the services room. I make a humming noise to fit in with the ambiance in case someone comes by.
When the lights go out (you guessed it, I’m in Georgia*), I sneak out to the tank, put on my chainmail, and step into Puffy’s tank. Puffy is the name I gave my love.
The tag on his tank says “Pufferfish” which is so pedestrian. It also says, “To humans, tetrodotoxin is deadly, up to 1,200 times more poisonous than cyanide. There is enough toxin in one pufferfish to kill 30 adult humans, and there is no known antidote.” But Puffy can’t read so he doesn’t know.
Sure the chainmail is rusting and heavy, but it’s worth it to stare into the ocean blue eyes of my one true love. His face stays in a permanent smile when I arrive, and like a peacock with a peahen, he makes himself large and imposing when I enter.
But bigger is better. Am I right, ladies?
I do this every day. Hear that Adie? EVERY DAY! Because love doesn’t take six days off a week. Even Berkowitz demands you write him a letter daily and visit twice a week. Jeez, Adie. Step it up.
This Adie character cried when she was banned from the zoo. But I don’t buy it. It’s not a real relationship unless you feel threatened with a painful death. Has Berkowitz taught you nothing?
Today, Puffy and I celebrate five years together. FIVE. Berkowitz shot five women before he got an article about him in the New York Post. It’s my time. I’ve put in the work, now I need recognition of my commitment. I’m thinking of a puff baby with my puff daddy. Sure, it’s risky, but what love isn’t?
*I’m not actually in Georgia. You’ll never find me and ban me from the salty brine of my love cave at Ripley’s Aquarium in Toronto. Take that New York Post, CNN, Daily Mail, TMZ, People Magazine. You’ll never find me @pufferfishlover