I HATE MYSELF BUT YOU’RE AMAZING!

Transcribed Notes from My Seminar on Imposter Syndrome

I can do it! (No I can’t)

Thank you for coming today and welcome to my session on Imposter Syndrome. There is an obvious curiosity about the term. It’s common to hear it referred to at conferences like this one with questions about its actual symptoms and possible cure. According to the program, that’s what I’m here to tell you.

Fuck. I said I was going to tell them. I’m a fucking moron. This is a writer’s conference. Obviously, show, don’t tell, Kristine. Smarten up!

That’s kinda funny. Show, don’t tell they say and I said I’d tell you when I really plan to show you the signs and symptoms of Imposter Syndrome so we can figure it out.

Oh my gawd! Did I just end with a preposition? I’m a fake. They know it. I know it. This is going to be bad. They’re gonna walk me outta here. Shuffle your papers, Kristine, so you don’t freak when security comes to the stage. Make it look natural when they cuff you.

Let’s start with a quiz. Get out your pens and paper and jot down your answers. And no peeking! (Pause for laughter)

Did I actually think anyone would laugh? No Peeking. Fucking moron. Clear your mind. Do a jumping jack in your head to shake out the cobwebs. Okay. Good. I can do this. No I can’t.

As I was saying, to show you how the sufferer thinks, we’ll start with an exercise to see if you show the signs.

Oh, my fucking lord. Who do I think I am? Professor Knows-Fucking-Nothing reporting for duty. Jeezus. Of course, they don’t show the signs. They are just here to laugh at me, unless, of course, I want them to.

And, again, with the prepositions.

First, answer this question: Do you have continuous negative thoughts about your ability to write?

Of course, they don’t! Do you see all those eye glasses? They are all writing geniuses. Or is it genii? I don’t even know English. FUCK! Kill me now, I beg you, my liege.

Second question: Do you compare yourself and always come up short against other writers?

Stop! Don’t listen. Move on to your next session. Try the one on journaling. That guy’s a master and his penmanship is out of this world.

Third. Are you a fraud?

They aren’t writing. Fuckin’ hell. I’m the only fraud! Just leave. I implore you. There is nothing to see here. Where is my forehead hammer?

Four. Have you written a manuscript?

Stupid question. I should have asked, have you written and edited a manuscript, edited it again and again and again and again and again and it is still shite? What are they staring at?

Write down the answer! Have you or have you not written a manuscript?!

Five: Did you feel compelled to throw it out when you were writing it because it was drivel?

You can’t answer that, can you? That’s because you can’t understand. You wrote a complete manuscript in one fucking month and an agent came to your door and offered you a 6-figure deal because writing is fucking easy and anyone who thinks otherwise is a fraud. Right? I’m right, aren’t I? Fuck off, the lot of you with your twelve-million Instagram followers and your big fucking deal. Get the fuck out! You’re the imposter. That’s right. It’s you. That’s the joke. See here, it says “pause for laughter.” Not for your laughter, for mine because you are a big fucking joke with a 100-thousand word jokey joke joke fuck-joke manuscript. It’s called a book you pretentious boob.

I see I have made some of you uncomfortable. You don’t have to have written a manuscript to have imposter syndrome. It was a trick question. (Wait for laughter).

I’m not even…

Our last question, in fact, is about writing a manuscript. Do you work harder and harder and still not get a fucking 6-figure deal like Jan. Jan, who started writing because her ‘baby’ had explosive poops then went viral and got asked to write something prolific like, “What to do when your baby poops a lot.”

Where are they all going? I lied to them about the journaling thing. His handwriting is illegible and they’re headed to buy his fucking books. Good riddance!

Thank you for coming. Good luck and don’t forget to follow me on Insta!

As I suspected, everyone knew I was a fraud and left.

Wait, so this wasn’t a mute button? Come back, I was just showing you Imposter Syndrome. Funny, right?! You can laugh at me. Everyone does. I’m good, really. Wait, those cuffs are kinda tight. Can I please get my journal, I have an idea I have gotta get down before it’s gone.