How Does a Narcissist Feel if You Discard Them First?
The answer may surprise you
Even if the narcissist was devaluing and planning to discard you, your discard of them comes as a surprise — sometimes a pleasant one, but most often not.
The discarded narcissist may feel many things — often several at once.
Shocked and confused
Remember the narcissist is playing a role in the reality of their creation. Your role is their leading man/lady and top flying monkey. They have used power and control to train you in your role.
You discard them and they’re stunned, thinking, “Wait, what? I don’t remember this scene in the script.”
This is not what they’d envisioned. They’re not quite sure what happened.
Hurt, then angry
Look, it’s true that the narcissist never loved you. They may have thought they did, because they don’t know what love is and process feelings in a disordered way, but to them you were always an object.
Despite that and even if they have several other sources of supply, being discarded is a huge diss, a major cause of narcissistic injury.
This triggers immense, deep-seated internal shame and fear about the truth of who they are. They feel rejected, humiliated, abandoned. It’s too painful to stay in that place of despair, so they quickly shift to narcissistic rage.
Validated and vindicated
They were already devaluing you. Given their lack of whole object relations and object constancy, they already saw you as “all bad.”
Your leaving has proved to them they were right. They think…
- She’s crazy.
- He was just using me.
- I sure dodged a bullet there.
Amused
A discarded overt narcissist may feel amused, quickly followed by “Game on.” Picture a giant holding a tiny person at arm’s length while the person struggles and punches the air. This narcissist feels so superior, so much more powerful, they find your discard amusing.
The challenge of winning you back only to punish, then discard you is icing on the cake.
Relieved
The covert narcissist that has been unmasked has been living with the enemy, you, since. They have been upping the ante on your torture to get you to leave, thinking for months or years now, “Why is it taking so long?”
They have already secured abundant supply from their flying monkeys and will get ever more when you discard them.
This narcissist experiences relief, “It’s about time.”
How do you feel about discarding the narcissist?
- Proud of yourself for hurting them, just like they hurt you so many times?
- Unsure of yourself? Like maybe you made a mistake?
- Guilt and shame about hurting them, rejecting them? Like you’re incapable of unconditional love?
- Scared about what they’ll do next and whether you’ll be able to resist if they try to win you back?
- Relief that you’re finally free? Ready to start your healing journey?
Most likely you feel many, if not all, of the above. What matters is how you transcend and transform those feelings to move forward.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: What Signs Reveal a Covert Narcissist Is Preparing to Devalue and Discard? and How Long Does It Take to Deal from Narcissistic Abuse?
