Do Narcissists Want Someone Totally Submissive or Fiercely Strong?
Asking for a friend…
You know that a narcissist is the last person you want a relationship with, that it brings you nothing but torture and despair.
But some want to make themselves attractive to a narcissist, thinking that this relationship will bring them something else, something other than sheer misery.
That is a huge mistake.
If you know one of those people, share this article. Set them straight.
The narcissist’s desire
A narcissist is looking for two things,
- Narcissistic supply (either through admiration and respect or devaluing)
- Preservation of their false narrative with their idealized self as the star
In their perfect world, they can get both in one shot, from one person, sort of like killing two birds with one stone.
Someone who is very submissive may give the narcissist admiration and respect and allow themselves to be devalued. But does the narcissist truly feel power and control over them when it was freely given away?
Maybe total submission gives the narcissist some supply, but it certainly doesn’t do anything for their false narrative and idealized self.
It’s kind of like stealing from the poor.
No, the narcissist chooses to work smarter, not harder. They want both, and they definitely don’t want someone who diminishes their status in their false reality.
So how do they kill both birds with one stone?
A narcissist wants to feel power and control over their narcissistic supply by making them submit. The narcissist wants to feel dominant, superior, in control. This gives them narcissistic supply.
And the narcissist wants it to be a challenge — or at least to look like one. This preserves their false narrative.
Look, would you rather
- Win a heat against Michael Phelps or a 3rd grader?
- Beat out the top salesman in your company for a promotion or the administrative assistant?
- Beat a biker with 20-inch biceps in arm wrestling or your 4-year-old nephew?
- Get an attorney to leave their life behind for you or someone who is couch surfing with friends until they find their way?
For a narcissist, getting someone strong, successful, and powerful to submit, to weaken all boundaries, to beg the narcissist to stay or come back, is a massive ego boost. It’s also fitting with the narcissist’s idealized vision of their self and is what they want to show the world.
The narcissist longs to
- See the strong and powerful cry, beg, and plead
- See the smart and certain crumble into confusion
- Watch the person who had it all together devalue themselves
- See the attractive completely fall apart
- Take away what really matters without consequence
- See the successful walk away from their career for this relationship
- See one with internal fortitude and strength lose all sense of who they are
The narcissist wants the fiercely strong person to bow to their power, beaten, head hanging in defeat. This makes them relevant.
To the narcissist, that is a victory worth celebrating.
The narcissist has triumphed over a worthy opponent — only the victim didn’t know they were playing a game.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: How Do Narcissists Choose Their Supply? and What if You Give a Covert Narcissist Everything They Want?
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