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person who is really working hard on their anger issues</li><li>The person who loves you more than anyone else ever has (your parents included)</li><li>The person who has your back during one challenge after the next — only years later do you realize they were sabotaging you to create those challenges</li><li>The good-hearted person who is trying to overcome their trust issues</li></ul><p id="2602">The narcissist led you down this path. The path was created (consciously or subconsciously) to train you to tolerate abuse.</p><p id="e5a9">You didn’t know what it was then. Now you do.</p><h2 id="f29d">#4 You believed your experience was normal</h2><p id="c25e">There were things about this relationship that felt comfortable, normal even. Why? Because they were similar to the relationships you experienced as a child.</p><p id="899e">You were taught by experience…</p><ul><li>To walk on eggshells</li><li>That <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-can-a-narcissist-give-you-the-silent-treatment-for-6-months-then-contact-you-as-if-nothing-360328d588e1">silent treatments</a> are normal</li><li>That everyone loses their cool and says horrible things, throws things, or worse</li><li>That you are not good enough</li></ul><h2 id="afbd">#5 You took responsibility for the success of the entire relationship</h2><p id="075c">Do you see how carefully constructed this was? You were raised to believe that you were the problem in every situation, that it was your responsibility to fix it, and that the failure of any future relationship corroborates what you were told was true.</p><p id="284d">To the narcissist, you were the golden goose, the endless provider of <a href="https://readmedium.com/do-you-want-to-finally-grasp-the-secrets-of-narcissistic-supply-63f0deb3fc57">narcissistic supply</a> who was willing to put in 200% while they put in 0%. You thought you could do better, be better, be enough to make the relationship work.</p><p id="0418">It was never going to work.</p><h2 id="395f">#6 You believed something was wrong with you</h2><p id="f2d2">You started the relationship with something to prove — to prove that you’re good enough, that you’re capable of a healthy, successful relationship. The narcissist leveraged this to their advantage.</p><ul><li>They <a href="https://readmedium.com/covert-narcissists-and-triangulation-b517567cf1b6">triangulated</a> you with friends and family to create conflict, then acted like your biggest supporter</li><li>They <a href="https://readmedium.com/33-covert-narcissist-put-downs-so-nearly-imperceptible-you-just-might-miss-them-7f2b80149edf">put you down</a> and made you believe they were the only one that could lov

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e your flakiness, chubby cheeks, or take-charge attitude</li><li>They <a href="https://readmedium.com/what-is-gaslighting-b5331544b14b">gaslit</a> you into thinking you’re losing it, then being grateful they’ve got your back</li></ul><p id="1959">The repetitive abuse and intermittent reinforcement forged a strong <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-reason-your-trauma-bond-runs-the-show-until-you-shatter-it-f384911d7bd1">trauma bond</a>.</p><h2 id="b559">Ignorance is different than stupid</h2><p id="beef">You weren’t stupid or foolish. You were unaware, ignorant of what was in front of you — just like the rest of the population.</p><p id="c0c0">You have been judged and blamed enough for a lifetime. It’s time to stop judging and blaming yourself.</p><p id="bd86">You didn’t know then. Your experience has taught you well. Now you know.</p><p id="0888"><b><i>Disclaimer: </i></b><i>This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.</i></p><p id="ac52"><b>Dr Melissa Kalt, MD</b> is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, <a href="http://narclesslife.com/">3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist</a> and find information on working with her on <a href="https://melissakaltmd.com/">her website</a>.</p><p id="b6cb">Recommended for you: <a href="https://readmedium.com/11-surprising-characteristics-that-make-you-the-ideal-narcissist-victim-8c919383bfa1">11 Surprising Characteristics that Make You the Ideal Narcissist Victim</a> and <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-reason-your-trauma-bond-runs-the-show-until-you-shatter-it-f384911d7bd1">The Reason Your Trauma Bond Runs the Show Until You Shatter It</a></p><div id="9a17" class="link-block"> <a href="https://medium.com/@MelissaKalt/membership"> <div> <div> <h2>Join Medium with my referral link - Melissa Kalt, MD</h2> <div><h3>Read every story from Melissa Kalt, MD (and thousands of other writers on Medium). Your membership fee directly…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*i3y4YALgeqEnnhjI)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

How Could You Be Foolish Enough to Marry a Textbook Narcissist?

The shame-producing question for nearly all victims

How many of you have heard some version of this question? Felt the judgment dripping off it? Felt profound guilt and shame for being foolish enough to fall into this relationship and let yourself be abused?

Let me stop you from plummeting down that rabbit hole. It is not your fault. Stop and read that again. It is not your fault. You didn’t ask to be abused. You didn’t deserve to be abused. ALL blame lies with the abuser.

Yet I understand the question. And I’m giving you 6 answers.

#1 You didn’t know what a narcissist is

Maybe you heard the term in high school psychology class. Maybe you heard the word “narcissist” used as an insult to anyone self-centered or arrogant. Maybe you never heard the term at all.

Most likely, when you approached that relationship, you had no idea about narcissistic personality disorder. You didn’t research it because you didn’t even know it was a thing.

It’s not like you did something wrong. The average person doesn’t have an awareness or understanding of it either. Do you know who does? The narcissistic abuse survivor.

#2 You see the good in everyone and had no idea someone could behave like this

You are honest, trustworthy, and loyal. You were raised to see the good in everyone. It wasn’t on your radar that the person you love could be lying to you, gaslighting you, distorting your reality, stealing your self-esteem and self-confidence.

It certainly wasn’t on your radar that they were also in another relationship, had been the problem, not the victim in their previous relationships, or would try to turn your future kids against you.

#3 The narcissist love-bombed the heck out of you

They are very good at this. You get that, right? The narcissist creates the lens for how you see them.

The amazing, loving person who is really working hard on their anger issues
The person who loves you more than anyone else ever has (your parents included)
The person who has your back during one challenge after the next — only years later do you realize they were sabotaging you to create those challenges
The good-hearted person who is trying to overcome their trust issues

The narcissist led you down this path. The path was created (consciously or subconsciously) to train you to tolerate abuse.

You didn’t know what it was then. Now you do.

#4 You believed your experience was normal

There were things about this relationship that felt comfortable, normal even. Why? Because they were similar to the relationships you experienced as a child.

You were taught by experience…

To walk on eggshells
That silent treatments are normal
That everyone loses their cool and says horrible things, throws things, or worse
That you are not good enough

#5 You took responsibility for the success of the entire relationship

Do you see how carefully constructed this was? You were raised to believe that you were the problem in every situation, that it was your responsibility to fix it, and that the failure of any future relationship corroborates what you were told was true.

To the narcissist, you were the golden goose, the endless provider of narcissistic supply who was willing to put in 200% while they put in 0%. You thought you could do better, be better, be enough to make the relationship work.

It was never going to work.

#6 You believed something was wrong with you

You started the relationship with something to prove — to prove that you’re good enough, that you’re capable of a healthy, successful relationship. The narcissist leveraged this to their advantage.

They triangulated you with friends and family to create conflict, then acted like your biggest supporter
They put you down and made you believe they were the only one that could love your flakiness, chubby cheeks, or take-charge attitude
They gaslit you into thinking you’re losing it, then being grateful they’ve got your back

The repetitive abuse and intermittent reinforcement forged a strong trauma bond.

Ignorance is different than stupid

You weren’t stupid or foolish. You were unaware, ignorant of what was in front of you — just like the rest of the population.

You have been judged and blamed enough for a lifetime. It’s time to stop judging and blaming yourself.

You didn’t know then. Your experience has taught you well. Now you know.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Join Medium with my referral link - Melissa Kalt, MD

Read every story from Melissa Kalt, MD (and thousands of other writers on Medium). Your membership fee directly…

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