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of thinking, attitudes, values, and behaviors. As such, they have very toxic relationships.</p><p id="ac10">Narcissists lack empathy. They don’t see you as someone with feelings, wants, and needs. They see you as an object — an object who provides something they need, namely narcissistic supply and other resources.</p><p id="ff52">Narcissists have a very <a href="https://readmedium.com/truly-unpacking-dr-jekyll-and-mr-hyde-in-covert-narcissists-5cc96c2f81e8">Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde nature</a> due to their lack of <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-grasp-the-stunning-lack-of-object-constancy-in-a-covert-narcissist-3abcdd7c1802">object constancy</a>. This makes their behavior very unpredictable and destabilizing.</p><p id="0dea">The narcissist’s devaluation of you slowly and steadily erodes your self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, and sense of self. You lose who you are. Through repetitive gaslighting, you start to trust their memories more than your own.</p><p id="0a60">Ultimately, the narcissist is incapable of love. What about that is attractive or desirable?</p><h2 id="d9cf">Are you already in one of these destructive relationships, hoping to make it better?</h2><p id="3f13">Sadly, this is not possible. Even when a narcissist thinks they love you, even when they idealize you and you’re “all good,” there is a part of them that <a href="https://readmedium.com/two-insidious-reasons-a-narcissist-will-always-despise-their-partner-8b2956239034">despises you</a>.</p><p id="e4a4">Why? Because they despise themselves. They feel so much shame about who they are, their true self, that they’ve created a persona to present to the world.</p><p id="ffdf">The things they love about you? Those are also the things they hate about you. The narcissist loves/hates that you’re…</p><ul><li>Successful</li><li>Intelligent</li><li>Attractive</li><li>Thoughtful</li><li>Considerate</li><li>Empathic</li><li>Confident</li></ul><p id="4368">The narcissist’s self-loathing runs so deep that it’s not possible for you to fill that void. It’s not possible for you to love them enough to heal them, to be honest enough that they learn to trust, be kind enough that they develop empathy.</p><p id="b714">Your trauma bond makes you want to keep trying. You’ve got a big, beautiful heart. Shower yourself with the extraordinary amount of love you have to give and watch how life changes.</p><h2 id="031a">Or do you find the narcissist’s attractiveness, money, success, and power alluring?</h2><p id="84a9">This one can be really hard to resist if you haven’t already lived through narcissistic abuse.</p><ul><li>Maybe on paper this one is quite the catch.</li><li>Maybe you don’t believe you can do better.</li><li>Maybe you believe you’re an equal match.</li><li>Maybe you’re addicted to t

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he rush of love bombing.</li></ul><p id="49f0">Some people believe they can do all the heavy lifting to make the relationship work — they can treat the narcissist really well and look the other way when the narcissist devalues them.</p><p id="14b4">Let me be straight. You may be able to do this. It won’t be a healthy, fulfilling relationship. It may kill you.</p><p id="f2b0">Others believe they can enjoy the love bombing phase and get out before the devaluation. You are only fooling yourself. Your devaluation started the moment you met.</p><p id="88bd">Every time you trust someone who deceives you, you teach yourself your decision-making can’t be trusted. You start to doubt yourself. You start to lose who you are.</p><h2 id="b7da">Final thoughts</h2><p id="e4a2">A narcissist will always devalue you. Many will discard you. The relationship will never be healthy and functional. And there’s nothing you can give or do to change that.</p><p id="4e9f">Choose to treat yourself very well.</p><p id="be93"><b><i>Disclaimer: </i></b><i>This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.</i></p><p id="7d3d"><b>Dr Melissa Kalt, MD</b> is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, <a href="http://narclesslife.com/">3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist</a> and find information on working with her on <a href="https://melissakaltmd.com/">her website</a>.</p><p id="606b">Recommended for you: <a href="https://readmedium.com/what-is-it-like-being-in-a-long-term-relationship-with-a-narcissist-c3c225f11073">What Is It Like Being In a Long-Term Relationship with a Narcissist?</a> and <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-do-covert-narcissists-abuse-their-partners-aa3f31c3950a">How Do Covert Narcissists Abuse Their Partners?</a></p><div id="815c" class="link-block"> <a href="https://medium.com/@MelissaKalt/membership"> <div> <div> <h2>Join Medium with my referral link - Melissa Kalt, MD</h2> <div><h3>As a Medium member, a portion of your membership fee goes to writers you read, and you get full access to every story…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*KyPK9_b4XoiW5az-)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Do Narcissists Always Devalue and Discard, even if You Treat Them Well?

Is there anything you can do to change the trajectory of this relationship?

I feel the pain of this question and yet I’m so curious.

How did you discover they are a narcissist if you haven’t noticed devaluation yet?
Why do you want to be with someone you know to be a narcissist?
Are you already in one of these destructive relationships, hoping to make it better?
Or do you find the narcissist’s attractiveness, money, success, and power alluring?

Let’s cut to the chase. A narcissist will ALWAYS devalue you regardless of how well you treat them. Many will discard you.

How did you discover they are a narcissist if you haven’t noticed devaluation yet?

Most often, victims see the narcissist through rose-colored glasses until they notice they are being devalued. Next, they start looking for information. Then they discover they are with someone with narcissistic traits and tactics.

In hindsight, you realize the devaluation started on day one. From the moment you met, the narcissist was presenting as their idealized, false self. This was deceptive because this idealized self isn’t real.

During the love bombing phase, the narcissist mirrored your interests, love languages, communication style, and more. While this may not have seemed degrading or insulting, it was. Showing you only their false self took away your power to choose, to choose whether they are someone you wish to have a relationship with, whether you wish to engage.

Let’s be really honest here. You have noticed devaluation. You’ve just explained it away, discounted it, in the hopes it would stop. Maybe you even treated them better. It hasn’t helped has it?

Why do you want to be with someone you know to be a narcissist?

Narcissists are human beings just like you and me. They have feelings, wants, and needs. They are also disordered in their way of thinking, attitudes, values, and behaviors. As such, they have very toxic relationships.

Narcissists lack empathy. They don’t see you as someone with feelings, wants, and needs. They see you as an object — an object who provides something they need, namely narcissistic supply and other resources.

Narcissists have a very Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde nature due to their lack of object constancy. This makes their behavior very unpredictable and destabilizing.

The narcissist’s devaluation of you slowly and steadily erodes your self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, and sense of self. You lose who you are. Through repetitive gaslighting, you start to trust their memories more than your own.

Ultimately, the narcissist is incapable of love. What about that is attractive or desirable?

Are you already in one of these destructive relationships, hoping to make it better?

Sadly, this is not possible. Even when a narcissist thinks they love you, even when they idealize you and you’re “all good,” there is a part of them that despises you.

Why? Because they despise themselves. They feel so much shame about who they are, their true self, that they’ve created a persona to present to the world.

The things they love about you? Those are also the things they hate about you. The narcissist loves/hates that you’re…

Successful
Intelligent
Attractive
Thoughtful
Considerate
Empathic
Confident

The narcissist’s self-loathing runs so deep that it’s not possible for you to fill that void. It’s not possible for you to love them enough to heal them, to be honest enough that they learn to trust, be kind enough that they develop empathy.

Your trauma bond makes you want to keep trying. You’ve got a big, beautiful heart. Shower yourself with the extraordinary amount of love you have to give and watch how life changes.

Or do you find the narcissist’s attractiveness, money, success, and power alluring?

This one can be really hard to resist if you haven’t already lived through narcissistic abuse.

Maybe on paper this one is quite the catch.
Maybe you don’t believe you can do better.
Maybe you believe you’re an equal match.
Maybe you’re addicted to the rush of love bombing.

Some people believe they can do all the heavy lifting to make the relationship work — they can treat the narcissist really well and look the other way when the narcissist devalues them.

Let me be straight. You may be able to do this. It won’t be a healthy, fulfilling relationship. It may kill you.

Others believe they can enjoy the love bombing phase and get out before the devaluation. You are only fooling yourself. Your devaluation started the moment you met.

Every time you trust someone who deceives you, you teach yourself your decision-making can’t be trusted. You start to doubt yourself. You start to lose who you are.

Final thoughts

A narcissist will always devalue you. Many will discard you. The relationship will never be healthy and functional. And there’s nothing you can give or do to change that.

Choose to treat yourself very well.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Join Medium with my referral link - Melissa Kalt, MD

As a Medium member, a portion of your membership fee goes to writers you read, and you get full access to every story…

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