9 Easy On-line Dating Tips for Newly Single Men

How to get the dates you really want straight away

If you are newly single and struggling to navigate the murky waters of online dating, you are not alone. According to the American Psychological Association more than 50% of marriages end in divorce, so more than half of us end up back on the dating market at least once.

If you are a separated or divorced man, this can be a confusing time. The way we date has changed, and so have women’s expectations.

The quickest way to go on some dates is to join an online dating site and start chatting with women. Dating sites can be a massive time commitment, so it’s important to know what you are doing.

To get the results you want, you must know the sort of women you want to date, beat the competition, and get them to agree to go on a date with you.

Here is how to avoid mistakes and get the dates you want.

1. Pick the right dating site

Some dating sites are for hook-ups, some for kinks, and some are for people looking for a long-time partner.

To choose the right dating site, you have to know what you want. Are you looking for a fling or Mrs./Mr. Right?

Dating sites can change. They come and go all the time, so your best bet is to Google “Best dating site for [casual hook-ups/long term relationships] in [Auckland/Toronto],” and see what comes up.

Takeaways:

• Decide whether you want to date casually or find a new long term partner
• Choose the relevant dating site
• Say what you are looking for on your profile.

2. Wow them with your picture

Make sure your main profile picture is up-to-date and has a clear close-up of your face. You are probably scrutinizing the photos of the women and making judgments about their attractiveness. The women are doing the same with your photo.

In my experience, women make a bigger effort with their photos. Stand out from the crowd by making an effort with your photo. Think of it as your advert.

Looks do matter. According to Psych Central there are four reasons why:

• Sexual attraction — the women you want to date are looking for an intimate partner, not a friend.
• Appearance is an indicator of self-respect — if you look hungover or have a pile of dirty washing in the background, women are less likely to respond to your message.
• Physical appearance is an indicator of good health — women aren’t going to invest their time in someone who may need nursing in the future.
• An attractive appearances is also an indicator of good self-esteem — do you look after yourself, value your health and appear self-confident.

You can always look at the competition by changing your search parameters to look at the men. Make sure your photos are better.

Unless you are adamant you want someone who likes fishing, avoid pictures with fish. For women that don’t like fishing, a picture of a red-faced, tired man proudly waving a fish about isn’t appealing.

Takeaways:

• Use a profile picture that clearly shows your face
• Have a variety of photos showing your whole body
• Scan the competition and make sure your photos are as good as if not better than theirs

3. Be polite

This might sound like a no-brainer, but some men do send rude, aggressive, and insulting messages online. Rude as in impolite and rude as in overly sexual.

If you are not interested in the woman you are talking to, you can still be polite. If you have been chatting for a while, say that you don’t think you will be suited rather than leaving someone waiting for your next message.

Why does this matter? Women talk. Single women flock together and talk about who they are chatting with online. I frequently found my friends and me had been approached by the same men or had gone on dates with them. If you are rude, word will get around.

Women like polite men and being polite in an anxiety producing situation like dating is essential.

Takeaways:

• Be polite.
• Avoid sexual messages unless the woman initiates it.
• If you lose interest in someone, tell them nicely that you have decided not to meet.

4. Send interesting messages

If I sent a couple of paragraphs to a man asking about his life, I expected a similar reply. One-word messages do not a coffee date make.

You don’t want to talk for weeks before meeting up, but if a woman is willing to message you, don’t mess it up by short, uncommunicative answers. It’s off-putting, rude, and boring.

Takeaway:

• If someone asks you a question, answer it
• Send a chatty reply and ask questions in return

5. Be consistent

If you want to get to know someone, make sure you send a couple of messages a day.

Disappearing and messaging again after a week will give the impression you are not keen, unreliable, or investing your time in someone else.

You may know that you were busy at work, but they don’t. In the meantime, other men could be busy sending messages and asking your lady out on a date.

When I was messaging my partner, he let me know that he would be busy when his kids visited him for Easter. We had already arranged a first date for the following week, and if he had just stopped messaging, I would have been confused and possibly canceled the date.

“Communicating online with someone you’ve never met creates a distance between you. It’s easier than it should be to forget that the person you’re exchanging messages with is a real human being with feelings that can be hurt by your actions.” — Ghosting: why it hurts and what you can do about it (eharmony.co.uk)

Takeaways:

• Message regularly
• If you are unavailable for any reason, say why and when you will be available again.

6. Ask the question

Despite feminism, equality, and women’s rights, if you want to go out with a woman on a date, it’s your job to ask her. Not because society says so, but because if you want to meet her, it’s up to you to make it happen.

The women you are talking to are likely messaging other men. If you don’t ask quickly, she may be too busy meeting them to meet you.

Takeaway:

• If you want to go on a date, ask!

7. Don’t expect exclusivity

The majority of people I know who have dated online chat to several people at once. That’s what dating sites are for. To chat with people to see if you want to meet up.

I met a couple of men online who were outraged that I was talking to other men. They felt I was cheating on them.

Be aware that women will be chatting to multiple men and going on multiple coffee/dinner dates. Unless you have been out a few times and have agreed to date exclusively, you’re not exclusive.

That’s why it’s important to be consistent with your messages and ask for a date. Otherwise, you may miss out to someone who got in a day before you.

Takeaway:

• Dating sites are for meeting lots of people
• Be aware women will be talking to and meeting lots of men

8. Be aware of the safety concerns of women

Women walk in a very different world from men. Every time we go out of the house, we have to be mindful that we can be attacked or raped. If you think this is an overstatement, look at this article from YouGov and this one from scary.mommy.com.

“Close to half (46%) of women say that they’re never at a bar by themselves, while just three in ten (30%) men say this is the case for them. One quarter (25%) of women say they never walk alone at night, compared to a mere 8% of men who said the same. Women (44%) are also 16% more likely than men (28%) to say they never take the bus alone, and 20% more likely to say they never walk down an alley alone (39% vs 19%). In every single proposed scenario included in this research, women were more likely than men to say that they are never in these situations.” — Most women say they regularly take steps to avoid being sexually assaulted | YouGov

My intention in sharing these links and the above quote isn’t to demonize men. It’s to make you aware of what the world is like for women so you don’t dismiss your prospective date’s concerns about safety.

Until you get to know her, you are a stranger to the woman you are going on a date with. Respect that and let her choose the venue and whether you go for a coffee or dinner.

Don’t expect the woman to get into your car or come to your house. Don’t expect her to tell you her address or where she works.

If your sister or cousin was attacked by a stranger on a first date because she got in his car, you would probably criticize her for being so stupid. You know you are a safe man to be with. The woman you are dating doesn’t.

Takeaway:

• The world is very different for women concerning safety.
• Avoid putting women in awkward situations, such as expecting them to get in your car.
• You know you are safe. The women you date do not. You are a stranger.

9. Don’t pressurize women for sex.

Again, this may seem like a no-brainer. But, I have had men message me on dating sites saying that unless I guarantee I’m going to have sex with them on the first, second, or third date, they won’t meet me.

If you ask when sex might happen before you have met, it is likely to put off women looking for a long-term relationship.

Takeaway:

• Don’t ask women for sex before you meet them!

Final thoughts

It’s not that hard to stand out from the crowd when you are online dating because the crowd contains many men who are at best clueless and, at worst, plain nasty.

Takeaways:

• Decide whether you want to date casually or find a new long-term partner.
• Choose the relevant dating site.
• Say what you are looking for on your profile.
• Use a profile picture that clearly shows your face.
• Have a variety of photos showing your whole body.
• Scan the competition and make sure your photos are as good as if not better than theirs.
• Be polite.
• Avoid sexual messages unless the woman initiates it.
• If you lose interest in someone, tell them nicely that you have decided not to meet.
• If someone asks you a question, answer it.
• Send a chatty reply and ask questions in return.
• Message regularly.
• If you are unavailable for any reason, say why and when you will be available again.
• If you want to go on a date, ask!
• Dating sites are for meeting lots of people.
• Be aware women will be talking to and meeting lots of men.
• The world is very different for women concerning safety.
• Avoid putting women in awkward situations, such as expecting them to get in your car.
• You know you are safe. The women you date do not. You are a stranger.
• Don’t ask women for sex before you meet them.

I hope this helps. Please let me know what you think — if you have any questions in the comments.

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