Dating | Love | Relationships | Singles | Safety
How To Safely Date On-line
Set your dating boundaries so you can have fun
Online dating can be fun, challenging, and exciting but people, especially women, need to know how to keep safe.
Anyone can go on a dating site, create a profile, and write whatever they like.
It could be true.
It could all be lies.
The people you are chatting to on-line are strangers, even though they don’t seem like it. Unlike people you meet in real life, you don’t know their friends, family, and colleagues. No one is vouching for them.
Please don’t be put off online dating, it’s fun. As long as you apply common sense, you will be safe.
Don’t give out any identifying information
When you write your profile, avoid putting anything that will give away your address, or where you work. If you have to fill in your profession, be vague or give a general term rather than your exact title.
When you start messaging, avoid saying exactly where you live. State the area, rather than the address. If someone asks directly, say you don’t give out your address until you know someone.
Avoid giving your full name. If someone knows your full name, your job title, and where you live, they will be able to find you on LinkedIn. If they just know your first name, and that you work in accounts, it will be harder.
Use new photos for your profile. If you use your LinkedIn profile photo, tech-savvy people will be able to use it to search for you.
If anyone pressures you to give out more information that you are comfortable with, or gets nasty, block them.
Don’t put yourself out to accommodate people that you don’t know, and haven’t proven their worth.
The phone screen
I got teased a lot about this one, as I’m in HR, and comments such as, “You’re not at work doing an interview,” from my friends, were rife.
The reason I did the phone screen was to see if we could talk naturally and also to check for any red flags. Anyone can write a profile and sometimes a friend or relative has assisted.
You need to know that the person you are talking to is a real person and that they can hold a conversation.
The phone screen did save me from meeting a criminal who had a prison record. He sounded a bit odd on the phone so I cyber-stalked him, and found he had been in jail.
A couple of men I spoke to thought a chat to arrange a date, was a sex phone line.
No sooner had I picked up the phone on the first call, they were asking for my bust size and what I was wearing and telling me what they wanted to do to me.
I don’t mean after a bit of flirting, it was the first thing they said. If this is what you like, that’s fine, but it wasn’t for me.
The meet
Once you are happy that your prospective beau is neither an ax-murderer, or a serial killer, and you are happy to meet, think about how to keep safe on the date.
Make sure you tell friends or family that you are going on date, your date’s name, which online site you met him on, and where and when you are meeting.
Initially meet up for a coffee rather than dinner. You can meet in a cafe, in the day. There is no alcohol involved and you can make a quick getaway if you feel unsafe. Agree to meet at the cafe.
Park somewhere far enough away from the cafe so that your date won’t see your car. You can be tracked through your car registration number. Make sure that when you leave, you are not followed.
While chatting, it’s easy to let details slip. The road you live in, your surname, where you work, the color and make of your car. Be mindful of what you are sharing until you know your date can be trusted.
By the time you have met someone for coffee, you have probably shared your phone number. Before you share, google your number to make sure that your phone cannot be traced.
If it is a work phone, your name and organization may show up on an internet search of your phone number.
If you are worried about sharing your phone number, buy a cheap phone that you use just for dating. Prices have come right down now, picking up an inexpensive phone won’t break the bank.
I did this when I was first dating, however, that was a long time ago, before everyone had smartphones. Eventually, I gave out my number as I could block anyone that I didn’t want to communicate with.
What next?
I was very conscious of safety when I dated, I am naturally cautious.
Some say, paranoid, I say, sensible precautions!
After a coffee date, I would meet someone for lunch or do something in the day. Same drill as above, make my way there, park a little way away, listen carefully to what they said.
One guy wanted me to go on a walk to see a special tree in the middle of the bush.
Firstly, I’m not a bush-walking type, which I said in my profile.
Secondly, I’m not going into the middle of the bush, miles from anywhere with someone I’ve only met once.
This is where it can get a bit awkward. Men walk in a different world from women. They are not continually having to think about what someone bigger and stronger might do to them.
Perfectly nice, respectful, safe men don’t realize this. They know they are safe, we don’t. They may offer a lift home on the date, or tell you to hop in their car to drive up the road to the restaurant.
When this happened to me, I said I didn’t get in cars with men I don’t know. It didn’t go down well. They were offended.
In retrospect, it would have been better to have sent a quick message to explain before the date that to keep safe with someone I don’t know very well, I don’t get into cars.
Your date may also suggest that you go over to their place for the evening. The same thing applies. If you are satisfied it is safe for you to do so, go.
If you have any doubts, don’t go.
Sexual Safety
When I was dating there was a lot of articles doing the rounds where men said that if a woman wouldn’t have sex on the third date, that was it. No more dates.
Some men asked me what date I had sex on, when I was chatting with them on-line. Does that mean they would be charming for three dates, expect sex, and then disappear? Are three dates the ‘price’ of sex?
The idea that women are expected to guarantee sex, after a set number of dates with someone they are just getting to know, is appalling. Again, if you want to, do it. But for all women to be held to some sort of rule is ridiculous.
After all, going to someone’s house, or having them over to your place on the third date doesn’t give you much time to find out who they really are.
The amount of dates it takes for a couple to have sex is their business. But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about safety. Do you feel safe enough to be alone with your date?
Don’t be pressured into anything you don’t want to do, or you think is unsafe, just because a stranger is behaving badly and calling you a prude.
I was called a prude several times because I wouldn’t respond to sexually explicit first messages on the dating site, I objected to sexy talk on the first phone call, and I refused to talk about sex in detail on a first date.
I wasn’t on-line to titillate strangers. I was on-line to meet a partner.
More Sexual Safety
I’m not any sort of sexual health professional but even I know that we have to look after ourselves sexually. This means using condoms, or being tested for STDs, before you ditch the condoms.
According to online dating statistics, approximately one third of women have sex on the first date with an online date. Four out of five of these women do not use protection.
Though it’s not very romantic, have the conversations. Discovering and treating an STD, after your soul mate has stopped answering your calls and texts, isn’t very romantic either.
For people that haven’t dated for decades, this may seem very foreign, but times have changed and we are not in the 80’s anymore.
If someone isn’t willing to get tested to keep you safe, why would you want to sleep with them?
Psychological Safety
When you are on the date, listen to what your date says and believe it. Most of the men I had coffee with were lovely. Maybe we weren’t a match, but they were nice people. Some weren’t.
A couple of my dates were nice as pie on the dating website. Kind, funny, and charming. In person, they were bitter, aggressive, and spoke badly of women in general and their ex -wives in particular.
One man kept correcting my pronunciation.
Another was racist and homophobic and thought that gay men were child molesters. What?
Keeping safe also means keeping away from bullies.
Final thoughts
Online dating is fun. I’ve done it and most of my friends have too. But it does pay to be safe.
Looking after yourself in terms of your safety is a sign that you respect yourself. Don’t let anyone tell you any differently.
If your date is telling you differently, that’s a red flag. Imagine what they will be like if you got in to a relationship.
If you won’t protect yourself, who will? I’ve noticed a resistance to women setting boundaries about safety. A mocking attitude of, “I’d hate to live in your world, it’s so scary.”
Will these people be there to give you practical support if something bad does happen to you? Probably not.
Decide what boundaries you want to set, and stick to them.
Have fun!
