How I Found Love By Narrowing My Dating Criteria
Find a match by being clear about priorities
After my marriage broke up, I was single for ten long years. I dated via online dating sites, off and on, and became an expert on dating rather than finding love. I had a couple of relationships that lasted about six months, two of them with much younger men, but nothing serious.
When I started dating, I was pretty clueless. I had been married for 18 years and the dating world had changed while I wasn’t looking. I went on a lot of coffee dates. I had fun and met lots of nice men but wasn’t achieving my goal of finding a partner.
I’m an extrovert. I love meeting people and getting out of the house. Looking back, I don’t think my extrovert tendencies served me well. My usual approach of, ‘If it’s an outing, count me in’ and habit of liking everyone and believing the best of people until proven otherwise, didn’t translate to successful dating.
I was too willing to go on dates with men who didn’t match my ideal. Although it was interesting, it became a waste of time.
That’s when I decided to narrow down my search.
Reading about dating was one of my guilty pleasures in my single days. I enjoy a happy ending as much as the next person. Stop laughing.
I’d read about women who had written down a description of the ideal man and thrown it out to the universe. There was a lot of throwing things out to the universe then. It seems to have died down a bit now. Or maybe I just read different books these days.
Anyway, these women seemed to manifest their ideal man almost instantly so I thought I’d have a go.
After some brainstorming, the criteria I came up with was:
- Must be within five years of my age
- Lives less than 20 minutes by car from my house
- British
- No widowers
- Atheist
- Intends to stay in Auckland
- Non-smoker
- Cannot be racist, sexist or homophobic
- Sense of humor
- Kind
The universe didn’t respond immediately but respond it did. Maybe the universe was on a weekend mini-break or something initially. I did meet my partner quite soon after I instigated the new narrowed down policy, though.
Here is the rationale behind my thinking and how I got on.
1. Must be within five years of my age
I’d dated a couple lovely younger men, 21 and 23 years younger than me respectively, and although it was fun and a massive ego boost, they were just at different stages in their lives. The older men I met seemed very old-fashioned and stuck in their ways. They asked me whether I could cook and if I kept a tidy home. Maybe that was their criteria, which is fine, but I found it off-putting and old-fashioned.
How I got on: My partner is 18 months younger than me. Tick. He talked a lot about being my toy boy until I told him about the real toy boys. Now he contents himself with muttering darkly to my daughter, ‘Well, we all know your mother likes younger men’.
2. Lives less than 20 minutes by car from my house
I get quite anxious when driving. Having to negotiate unfamiliar roads and find parking for a date with, what was essentially a stranger that I may never see again, became a pain in the neck. After a lot of putting myself out to find obscure cafes, with no resulting boyfriend, I got a bit lazy. Or maybe I just put in some boundaries.
How I got on: My partner lived a 10-minute walk away. Now he lives with me. Tick.
3. British
I went on dates with Kiwis, South Africans, Brits, Indians, Canadians and Australians. I came to realize that, for me, a shared culture does matter. Non-Brits struggled with my sense of humor. I struggled to understand them. Eventually, I decided it was OK to stick to Brits.
How I got on: My partner is from Newcastle and grew up in Wales. Tick.
4. No widowers
I know it’s a bit weird, but I didn’t want anyone who idolized their first wife. Dead spouses tend to turn into saints overnight. Plus I had visions of my prospective soul mate slinking off with wife number one in the afterlife. And I’m not even religious. Just weird.
How I got on: No dead wives. Tick.
5. Atheist
I can’t do religion. I just can’t. It doesn’t make any sense to me. There is no way I could have a relationship with someone who is a believer. I have friends of many different faiths, that’s fine by me. We don’t talk about religion and they don’t expect me to go to church on Sundays. But I couldn’t cope with a religious partner. I imagine they wouldn’t be able to cope with me either.
How I got on: My partner is an atheist. Or so I thought. A friend of mine invited us to a (non-religious) talk in a local church hall. An elderly lady welcomed us in and gave us tea. We were chatting away like a house on fire when she asked if we were churchgoers. All fired up by Richard Dawkins (I was reading ‘The God Delusion’ at the time), I said ‘No, I’m an atheist’. “What about you?” she asked my partner. ‘I’m a Presbyterian’, he said proudly. What? It turns out he doesn’t like upsetting old ladies and instantly reverted to his childhood religion. Hmm! Not sure if he deserves a full tick for this one.
6. Intends to stay in Auckland
After moving around a lot in my twenties and emigrating to NZ in my thirties, I’m fed up with moving. My family and friends are here. I like cities. I don’t want to move. I stressed this on my profile but still got men contacting me who wanted to move to a life-style block (NZ code for a house in the country with land and maybe animals) in the middle of the South Island.
How I got on: My partner had already tried a life-style block and concluded he hated it. No-one is a more avid critic. He also likes cities and Auckland. Tick.
7. Non-smoker
No, not doing it.
How I got on: Tick.
8. Cannot be racist, sexist or homophobic
No-one is going to admit to being racist or any other ‘ist’ on their dating profile. If they do, it’s easy to screen them out. Sadly, many of the men I met did hold views which to me are unacceptable.
How I got on: Tick. No racism, sexism or homophobic points of view in our house. Though we do wind the kids up sometimes. Don’t panic, they are 21 and 20 and live at home, so fair game in my opinion.
9. Sense of humor
This one was a biggie for me. We Brits are renowned for our sense of humor. I didn’t understand what that meant to me until I met people who didn’t have it. Zombieland, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz and Paul are my favorite movies. We spend hours at home talking in silly accents. Sometimes we get stuck and can’t get back to talking in our normal voices.
How I got on: Tick. He’s just as bad as I am.
10. Kind
Suddenly, with the advent of Covid, kindness is all the rage. Here in NZ, Jacinda goes on about it all the time. I agree with her. I was onto kindness years ago. I met some kind and decent men in my dating career. I also met some stinkers (I’m trying not to swear, plus I like the word stinkers. It reminds me of Stephanie Cole and Margaret Rutherford).
How did I get on: He brings me tea in the morning, finds my glasses when I lose them, heats the car in winter before I get in. He does the food shopping and cooks me dinner. Tick.
Final Thoughts
Narrowing down what I wanted in a man helped me find that man.
My criteria won’t be yours and may even seem a bit odd. You will have to make a list that meets your requirements.
Being clear about what I wanted saved time which I spent with friends, relaxing or doing what I wanted to do. By the time I met my partner, it took a lot to get me out of the house on a date.
If you are looking for love, I hope you find it soon …
