Five Signs You Are Ready to Start Dating
Don’t waste your time searching for love if you are not in the right space
It can sneak up on you. One minute you are content with nights out with your girlfriends and family dinners. Cozy nights at home with a book are relaxing. Then out of the blue, you are longing to be part of a couple.
Visions of romantic candlelit dinners pop into your head. You imagine rugged men fixing the u-bend under the kitchen sink. Having a man in your life might not be such a terrible idea after all.
For many women, the idea of dating after breaking up from a long-term partner is off-putting. After my marriage ended, I remember I didn’t want anything to do with men for about three years. I was fond of telling people I didn’t want to see a man, hear a man or smell a man. I didn’t want anything to do with any man’s dirty washing.
Yet here I am, four years into a relationship. I have an ongoing relationship with my man’s dirty washing, and we own a house together. How did that happen?
It was a long journey, from a breakup to dating to being ready for a new relationship.
Here are the signs you could be ready to date:
1. The past is the past
If you hope that your ex will see sense and come back to you, you are not ready to move on. You are giving him too much of your thought space. Even if you spend your days imagining him meeting ever more gruesome deaths.
How long people take to get over their ex varies. According to How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup? It Depends by Crystal Raypole, there are no rules.
“People sometimes find themselves grappling with pain and grief more than a year after ending a relationship that was over within months.
Others might heal and move on in a matter of weeks, even when the relationship itself lasted a year or longer.”
Crystal Raypole.
Raypole also mentions the popular theory that it takes half the time of the breakup to recover. I can remember someone telling me that when I was going through my own separation. I was appalled. My ex and I had been together for 18 years. Did that mean it would take me nine years?
In retrospect, it did. Having said that I had a young child and worked full time so getting out of the house was hard. Remember that recovery varies depending on your personal situation
You know you are over your ex when they are no longer central to your thinking. You no longer care what your ex does or who he does it with. You’ve given up stalking him on FB. You no longer regale your friends with a list of his faults.
Takeaway: Think about whether you are over your ex and ready to move on. If you still orient your life around what your ex is doing, saying, or being, you might not be ready.
2. Time is no object
If you want to date, you need to have the time to find people to date and then go on dates. Dating online takes time. You will need to write your profile, take photos and respond to messages even before going on one date.
If you are lucky enough to meet someone you want to date in real life, they will expect you to be available. A reasonable expectation is to go out a couple of times in the week and at least once at the weekend.
People soon get tired of hearing that you are busy all weekend with the kids or your job. I made this mistake myself when I was dating. Putting my daughter first was a no-brainer for me but it put off prospective partners.
My thinking was that if someone was interested in me they would put up with a few months of seeing me once a week. I reasoned that once I was happy to introduce them to my daughter we could see each other more often. Cozy nights in watching the TV sprang to mind.
It didn’t work out that way. The men I met wanted a woman who was available several times a week and I didn’t match that criteria.
Takeaway: Be realistic and think about how much time you have for a new partner. If your life is hectic, what would you be willing to give up? Where could you include your partner?
3. You can go the distance
Meeting new people takes a lot of energy. Going on a date is even more exhausting. Even for extroverts like me who love going out and meeting people, it’s exhausting.
Where to go, what to wear, will he like me, will I like him? Sometimes a date will come upon a day when you are planning to stay home, do chores, and slob out watching TV. Do you have the energy to keep up with your social life, family obligations, and job as well as dating?
Takeaway: How much energy do you have leftover for dating given your current obligations and responsibilities? Can you cut something out or spend less time on it? Would doing so affect you adversely? Do you have the stamina for dating?
4. Show me the money
Dating costs money. There are taxi fares, drinks, and meals to pay for. Clothes, make-up, hair. It all costs. Do you have the wherewithal to fund a dating lifestyle?
These days it is common to go dutch on a date and pay half each. It is not fair to expect a man to pick up the tab for the date. If you are expecting to date without paying for anything you are in for a shock.
Paying for outings is only the tip of the iceberg. Many people want a partner who is financially stable. It is said that the most important financial decision we make is who to marry. The second time around, after divorce slashes their assets in half, people are even pickier. Someone who is debt-free with an income is usually a minimum requirement.
If your finances are precarious you are probably not ready to date. Get yourself financially stable first. Dana George in ‘Think You’re Too Broke Too Date? You’re Not Alone, suggests getting your finances in order by securing an income, creating a budget, building up your credit score, and putting money aside for emergencies.
If your financial situation isn’t flourishing at least show your dates that you are financially savvy and working on improving your situation.
Takeaway: If you can’t afford to pay for yourself on a date, you shouldn’t be dating. Use the money to remedy your financial situation instead. It would be a shame to spend money you can’t afford on dates only to find that your poor financial position is ruling you out as a partner.
5. Me, myself, and I
The time following a break-up can be filled with angst, self-doubt, and depression. Happily, this passes and you can build a life again. You will likely start thinking of yourself as single, self-sustaining, and independent. You will develop strategies for combating loneliness such as being the organizer of social events. Your life will be OK.
You want a man rather than need one.
If you are happy with yourself and enjoy life, you are ready to date. If you are waiting for a man to save you may need to do some work on improving your life as it is.
Look at the various areas of your life such as work, family, friends, health & wellness, hobbies, and start setting some goals. As you become more fulfilled in your single life you will become more attractive to prospective dates.
Men who talked about being lonely, never going out, and having no interests put me off completely.
Takeaway: When you feel you have a good life without a man you are ready to meet one. If there are any areas in your life that you are not happy with, set about improving them.
Summary
Many people, including me when I started dating, are in love with the idea of getting a new partner. This vision of happily ever after often overrules common sense and leads people to ignore any personal development work they should be doing instead.
Don’t do what I did and jump into the dating pool too soon.
You are ready if you:
- Are over your ex
- Have the time and energy to date
- Can afford to go on dates
- Are happy with yourself as you are
Good luck :-)
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