avatarWendy Scott

Summary

Understanding one's values and goals is crucial before entering the dating scene to ensure compatibility and avoid wasting time with unsuitable partners.

Abstract

The article emphasizes the importance of self-awareness in dating, particularly understanding one's values and goals. It argues that without this clarity, individuals risk engaging in numerous unproductive dates, which can be time-consuming and costly. Knowing what one stands for and aspires to achieve helps in quickly identifying potential partners who share similar life visions, thereby avoiding mismatches that could lead to toxic relationships or heartbreak. The author suggests that by having clear boundaries and a sense of purpose, individuals can navigate the dating world more effectively, ultimately leading to more fulfilling relationships.

Opinions

  • The author believes that many people enter the dating scene without sufficient introspection about their personal values and life goals, which can lead to poor dating choices.
  • Extroverted individuals may enjoy many dates, but this can become exhausting and financially draining if the dates are not with compatible partners.
  • Values are described as personal likes and life preferences, while goals are plans for future achievements or experiences.
  • The author stresses that aligning one's values and goals with a partner's is key to a successful relationship and can prevent the heartache of being with someone who is not a match.
  • Clear boundaries in dating are seen as a result of understanding one's own values and goals, which helps in communicating one's identity and expectations to potential partners.
  • The article suggests that discussing values and goals early on can reveal how a prospective partner might support or hinder one's personal growth, serving as a litmus test for red flags in a relationship.
  • The author advocates for self-reflection and values exercises to gain a sense of purpose and self-worth, which can make an individual more focused and attractive to potential partners.
  • The article concludes by encouraging readers to invest time in self-discovery before dating, to ensure they only pursue relationships with people who align with their life vision.

Five Reasons You Need to Know Your Values and Goals Before Looking for Love

№3 You avoid wasting time trying to live with someone who isn’t a match

Photo by We-Vibe Toys on Unsplash

Most people leap into dating without thinking about their goals and values. After all, why would you? You’re looking for a partner not doing a performance appraisal. Goals and values sound so worky, not romantic at all.

I certainly didn’t give them much thought when I started dating. Twenty-three years after my last first date (with my ex-husband), all I wanted to do was go on a date to tick the ‘I’ve been on a date this century’ box.

So I dated. A lot. At first, that sounds impressive. Lots of dates, woohoo — I’m popular. But if the intent is to find a partner, a lot of dates soon get old.

Part of the reason I went on so many dates is that I’m an extrovert; I love going out and find people fascinating. It has a downside, though. Lots of dates with unsuitable people becomes wearing, and all those coffees and lunches make a big dent in your bank account. It takes up a hell of a lot of time too.

So what do I mean by goals and values? That’s easy.

Something you value is something you like and want to have in your life. If you like honesty, big families, and keeping fit, those are your values. If you don’t like working hard, being polite, and saving money, those aren’t your values.

Goals are just the things you plan to do. For example, returning to university to study, moving overseas, starting a family, setting up a business, renovating a house, or starting a new hobby.

Your goals and values can cross over. If you value security, you might plan to save for a house, for example.

It pays to know your values and goals before you start arranging those coffee dates.

Here is why:

1. Temptation is knocked on the head

If you know what you want, you won’t be tempted to go out with someone unsuitable, no matter how breathtakingly gorgeous.

Suppose you have decided you want to start a family. In that case, you can rule out the people that say they only want a casual relationship.

Planning to move to the country and live on a farm within two years? You can ignore the people who love city life and would rather poke their eyes out with a pointy stick than go within a mile of a farm.

The guy or gal who loves jumping out of planes, climbing mountains and travelling the world with only a passport and credit card is unlikely to be a match if you value safety and security.

Takeaway: Work out your values and goals and make sure you ask prospective dates about theirs.

2. You get clear boundaries

If you take the time to work out your goals and values, you clarify what you want. Obvious but true.

In my time in HR, I’ve been exposed to many values exercises. I’m always amazed that people value things so differently from what I think is important.

It’s easy to assume everyone thinks as we do, but they don’t.

You can communicate who you are to your dates if you know yourself. If you are wishy-washy when they ask questions to get to know you, neither of you is clear about whether you are a match.

You know what you will accept in a prospective partner and what you won’t. You have clear boundaries.

Takeaway: Work out who you are so you can make that clear to your dates.

3. You avoid wasting time trying to live with someone who isn’t a match

If you end up with someone who doesn’t share your values, you are in for a rough road.

Your honey may be a lovely person, but if they are too different from you, it might not last in the long term.

And just because someone has different goals, it doesn’t mean they are wrong, it just means they are different and want to live differently from you. Their goals will take them somewhere you don’t want to go and vice versa.

Takeaway: It’s better to find out straight away if someone isn’t your soulmate. It saves time and heartbreak.

4. You can avoid a toxic relationship

Discussing goals and values with a prospective partner can give you an insight into how they respond to your needs. If you get a negative response, that’s a red flag straight away that your wishes won’t be taken into account.

You can also test what sort of reaction you get for your stretch goals. Is this person going to support you or ridicule you? Help you grow or hold you back?

Takeaway: Discussing your goals and values with a prospective partner will weed out the people who will hold you back and help you spot possible red flags.

5. You gain a sense of purpose and self-worth while you date

If you take the time to do some goals and values exercises, you will clarify what is important to you and where you want to go in life.

While you are dating, you can get on with your life, safe knowing that you have chosen to only date people who will fit in with that life.

You become more focused and more attractive to the people you date.

Takeaway: Get on with your ideal life now and only date people who fit into your vision.

Summary

It’s worth taking the time and effort to know yourself, your values, and your goals before you start looking for someone to share your life with.

Better to do the groundwork upfront than regret time wasted in a poor relationship later.

  • Work out your values and goals, and make sure you ask prospective dates about theirs.
  • Work out who you are so you can make that clear to your dates.
  • It’s better to find out straight away if someone isn’t your soulmate. It saves time and heartbreak.
  • Discussing your goals and values with a prospective partner will weed out the people who will hold you back and help you spot possible red flags.
  • Get on with your ideal life now and only date people who fit into your vision.

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