4 Ways to Avoid a Crappy Relationship

And keep your self esteem while you are at it

We’ve all been there. We’re tired of dating and finally think we have met The One. If we met him through work or friends, we can be pretty sure he’s not a serial killer, cat burglar, or international spy with a license to kill.

If we’ve met him online, we’ve verified that he looks like his picture, checked out he has a job on LinkedIn, and stalked all of his friends and family on Facebook.

And yes, guys, women really do this — it’s called due diligence,

If we are up on our game, we know whether we want a casual relationship or a long-term one and what sort of bloke we want it with.

We’ve gone mad and actually thought sensibly about what we want rather than falling for the first handsome, Ducati riding, Peter Pan that’s tickled our fancy. And if our fancy hasn’t been tickled for a while, it’s hard to think straight.

Now we’re dating this likely lad, how do we keep our heads and make sure that it doesn’t turn into yet another crappy relationship? How do we make sure that we are in a thriving, healthy relationship in two years’ time?

Rather than lying face down on the sofa in a gin-soaked mess, bawling our eyes out because The One turned into That Bastard.

We can have it all and get that man. Or woman. Or person.

Can we get that person? Like Bob the Builder says, “Yes we can!”

We just have to avoid all those kissing frogs we hear about all the time.

Oh, and by the way, I learned all this by doing the opposite of everything I’m writing about. Believe me, it’s less painful the new, improved way.

1. Adopt a ‘one date at a time’ approach

After many false starts, hours online, tears and wailing, I met my partner online and starting dating him. By this time, I had developed the philosophy of ‘one date at a time’. In other words, I went on the first date, had fun, liked him, and decided to go on another date.

That’s it. No daydreaming about getting married or how happy we would be in one big blended family. No fantasizing about what our imaginary children would be like if I was still young enough to have any. Nothing, nada, zilch.

Just did I like him, did I have fun, and did I spot any red flags? If so, another date. If not, no more dates and definitely no second chances. They breed and turn into third and fourth chances and then morph into a habit. Then before you know where you are, you’re dating someone you shouldn’t be.

I wasn’t prepared to do anything to ensure more dates or compromise what I wanted in a relationship. This all sounds very grown-up and responsible, but to be honest, I was so sick of dating that I just couldn’t be bothered to put up with anything that didn’t make my life better.

Whether it was grumpy old woman hormones or I’d just grown a dating backbone after so many years, I have no idea. But I wasn’t prepared to think more than one date ahead.

All I know is that this approach worked for me.

Takeaway: Be a ‘one date at a time’ dater, not a lemming throwing yourself off a cliff into relationship doom.

2. Don’t accept poor behavior

I wanted a partner to make my life better, and I’m assuming you do too. Rather radical, I know. Why put up with things that we disagree with, annoy us, or are plain toxic?

Here are some examples:

Until we were dating exclusively and I knew him a bit better, no sex

Personally, I don’t want to sleep with anyone unless I’m going down the track of seeing if the relationship will work long term. The first step for me is dating exclusively.

Anyone who pressured me to have sex on a third date or any other mystical number of dates would have got the heave-ho. I’ve had enough people trying to boss me about in my life, and a more or less stranger that I’ve had dinner with twice isn’t going to join their ranks.

If someone doesn’t value me enough to wait a few weeks to get to know me, I’m not interested.

What? Weeks? What about all that fancy tickling I was talking about earlier? There is another reason to hold off sex. It turns out that fancy tickling releases oxytocin, a hormone that make us bond with people and make the relationship seem more important than it is.

Unless you want to be looking at a frog through hormone-colored glasses and seeing Mr. Perfect, lay off the hanky-panky for a while.

Actually, do what you like. This is just one of my boundaries but don’t say I didn’t warn you if you end up as Mrs. Frog from Frog Villa, Frog Town.

Reliability

I need my partner to live up to the same reliability standards that I expect from my girlfriends. My girlfriends are amazing, so that standard is high.

If someone can’t phone when they say they will, remember when we have arranged a date and keep to it and stay in regular contact, I can’t be bothered. I’d rather stay home and read my library book than date the Amazing Disappearing Man.

I’m a left-brained creature that likes order, routine, and planning my calendar several weeks in advance. Not everyone’s cup of tea, but I like order in my life.

Swapping and changing arrangements at the last minute is also a no-no. Suppose my date and I have arranged to meet at 4.00 pm at one place. In that case, I don’t take it kindly if I receive a message at 3.30 pm as I’m about to leave suggesting 6 pm, a different venue and a different activity.

This sort of thing drives me nuts. Unreliability also smacks of control and disrespect for other people’s time. And no, I don’t care if I’m not spontaneous. I’m not trying to combust. I’m trying to plan my life so I’ll enjoy it more.

These are my boundaries. If you’d rather poke your eye out with a pointy stick than stick to a plan, that’s fine by me. Just find someone else who likes that too.

Though I do wonder what happens if two spontaneous people date. How do they ever manage to meet up if they both keep changing the arrangements?

No Racist, Homophobic, Sexist, Angry or Negative Attitudes

Any sort of ‘ist’ puts me off. I wasn’t prepared to spend my life with a small-minded bigot. Quite frankly, people who put so much energy into hating others make me run away as fast as possible before I get tainted by their toxic energy.

Then I need a lie-down, a shower, and a cup of tea to get over it all.

Being inclusive should be a no-brainer, but it’s surprising how some people who say they love diversity can behave. My ploy was to say nothing and listen to what people said. It’s ugly what can come out on the third or fourth date.

At the time, my view was that it wasn’t my job to educate my dates on how not to piss off women. I wanted to see who they really were. If I was dating again now, I might have a different approach.

Anger and negativity put me off too. If someone is angry and negative all the time, it doesn’t make for a fun date. And if this their best dating behavior, what they would be like to live with three years down the track?

Takeaway: Work out what bad behavior means to you and don’t put up with it. I always found that bad behavior gave me a horrible feeling in my gut, and I learned to trust it.

3. Accept people as they are now

Women have a tendency to think they can change a man. In part, this is because of romantic movies that we have been watching for years.

We’ve all seen these movies. The womanizer meets the heroine and ends his philandering ways. The heartless businessman meets a woman and becomes a family man with new shiny values. It’s a common theme.

Sadly it doesn’t work in real life. None of the men I met online changed their wandering ways for me. Unlike the movies, they rather truculently told me that they’d told me they wanted a casual relationship at the beginning. And rightly so. It was my fault for not listening, however much I tore my hair and screamed.

The same goes for other character traits. If you want a party animal and your beloved is a raging introvert, don’t expect them to change. An inner handyman or cook isn’t suddenly going to jump out of your sweetie if it’s not there to start with.

If you accept that what you see is what you get (WizzyWig) you can choose whether what you see is what you want (WizzyWe). OK, I just made that one up, but WizzyWe might be fun.

Also, who wants to spend years trying to fix anyone? I certainly can’t be bothered. It doesn’t work, and it’s not fair to them.

Takeaway: Suss out who they are quick and work out if you want to end up with them as they are. If not, run away fast.

4. Be prepared to walk away

This is where you have to put on your big girl pants. If the bloke isn’t for you, leg it over the horizon as fast as you can.

If he is toxic or abusive, it’s a no-brainer, and all your friends will congratulate you for sending him packing. But what if he just isn’t a match? Or does things that annoy you? Should you compromise? That depends on how much you care about the thing that is being compromised.

For example, my partner likes to have the air con on all the time. It’s like living in a freezer. But I can cope with it by sneakily turning off the heat pump and bouts of shouting, usually about how I live here too and like things to be warm. This is a minor annoyance, not a deal-breaker.

However hard it is, walk away if someone is not right for you. Best case scenario, you will be in a dull relationship. Worst case scenario, you might be getting into a toxic one.

Remember that at the beginning, people are making an effort to impress. If you are having doubts now, how will you feel when he stops trying?

Takeaway: It’s better to be single and happy than in a crappy relationship. Stick to your guns and walk away.

Summary

You’ll meet the person of your dreams much quicker if you stop wasting time with people who aren’t right for you.

If you want to have your happily ever after, don’t mess it up by continuing a relationship with the wrong person. I’ve tried it, and it’s not pretty.

• Take it one date at a time. Don’t be hung up on making the relationship work no matter what.
• Know what poor behavior looks like
• Accept people as they are now
• Be prepared to walk away

Remember L’Oreal, and hold out for a good relationship because you’re worth it.

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