6 Signs You’ve Found Your Soulmate
Have you met a keeper?
How do you know if you’ve found your soulmate? If you’ve been looking for your true love, and kissed some frogs on the way, what are the signs that you’ve found The One?
What is a soulmate anyway? I don’t subscribe to any mystical beliefs about soulmates or that there is only one good match for me. What if they were born two hundred years ago? Or in Africa? How am I, or you, expected to meet them then?
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the meaning of a soulmate is more mundane.
1. a person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament
2: a person who strongly resembles another in attitudes or beliefs
Soulmate — Merriam Webster Dictionary
We’ve heard from the dictionary, but how do relationship experts define a soulmate? According to an article by Kelsey Borresen in Huffpost.com, relationship gurus take a more pragmatic view.
Their take is that soulmates connect easily, can overcome obstacles, and have the same approach where it counts. The relationship isn’t without effort, but the couple can work out any differences.
Unfortunately, we can also be lured into a relationship with a non-soulmate by a pretty face or a cute six-pack. According to anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher, our bodies are ruled by our chemistry, particularly those pesky feel-good hormones.
If you want to know whether your new honey is your soulmate or just your sex drive turning your brain to mush, read on.
The most important thing to consider
If everything is a drama and you feel like you are tip-toeing around your sweetie all day long, they are probably not your soulmate.
Being with the right person is comfortable. It flows. Simple things like arranging when to meet, what to do, and introducing friends all seem natural.
When I first started dating my partner, we went to the movies several Saturdays in a row. We were both wary of starting another relationship and took it slowly. It was easy, though. We texted each other in the week. No-one disappeared or acted mysteriously. We made firm arrangements to meet that we kept. Easy-peasy.
Takeaway: Think about how easy and natural your relationship feels. Is it easy, or are you on edge? This can be hard to define, but if you’re unsure, go by your gut feel and give it a score out of ten.
Question one: Is it easy?
Who do they think you are?
One of the critical elements of a good relationship is that you can be yourself. No pretending that you like fine art and foreign films when you really like pop art and rom-coms. No feeling ashamed that you don’t like to cook but do like gaming or larping.
Or that you do like to cook. Or knit. Or paint-by-numbers. Or lounge about on the sofa reading rather than planning your next career move.
Your new partner not only accepts all your ways but actually likes you for it. And you acknowledge and appreciate their peculiar habits too.
I was so happy to meet someone who wanted to go to sci-fi movies with me. My attempts to get my friends to go usually ended up with me getting a group together and then the group deciding we would go and see something else. It wasn’t an accident that our first few dates, me and my partner were at the movies.
Takeaway: Ask yourself if you have to pretend to be someone else in order to be accepted by your new honey. Have you found a partner in crime, or are you having to put some of your hobbies to one side?
Question two: Can you be yourself?
Just quietly, think about this
When you meet your perfect match, you gradually spend more time with them, and this includes some time when you want to be quiet. It would be a bit weird at dinner on the second date if someone wanted to not talk, but when you are spending a weekend together, one of you might need some space.
If this person is a keeper, they will be comfortable with being quiet for a while. They won’t mind it if you read or have a nap. They are happy to have silence in the middle of a conversation without being spooked by it.
Takeaway: Think about whether you have to be perpetually ‘on’ and ready to entertain your lover or whether you can relax and have some downtime, albeit in their company.
Question three: Can you have quiet time?
What color dot are you?
Just because you have met The One, it doesn’t mean that there won’t be misunderstandings and arguments. After all, you are still getting to know each other.
What matters is how you sort out these misunderstandings or differences. Can you can talk about what happened, how you both felt, and resolve the issue? In that case, you are likely to have a longer-term relationship on the horizon.
If your new partner flounces off, gets angry, or refuses to discuss any issues, the news is not so good. You have a hard road ahead if you want this relationship to succeed.
There are many communication styles. Ann Scott (no relation) talks about the four dots communications tool in her YouTube talk. Each of us is allocated a colored dot that reflects our personal communication style.
Discussing differences in how you like to communicate is a significant first step towards a lifetime of good communication habits.
Briefly, here are the different styles:
- Purple dots talk a lot are high energy. They speak to work ideas through, and whatever goes through their head comes out their mouth.
- Red dots hardly talk and think things through before they speak. They talk in bullet points and expect you to as well.
- Yellow dots turn thoughts into pictures, are neat and tidy to a fault, and particular about how things are done.
- Blue dots like to keep the peace and process ideas via feelings. They are hands-on types that like to garden or fix the car.
If you want to find out more and what color dot you are, click here and have a look at the YouTube clip above. Though this is a tool for business, a basic understanding of communication styles can help all relationships. I have no affiliate or any other link to this product.
If you are not aware of another person’s communication style, it’s hard to sort out what you’re having for dinner, let alone a budding relationship issue.
Takeaway: Think about how easily can you sort out issues or difficulties in your new relationship? How can you improve how you communicate? Is your partner willing to try to communicate more effectively?
Question four: Can you communicate effectively?
Who wants what?
For a relationship to work, both partners need to want the same things and have the same goals. For example, I knew that I wanted to stay in Auckland. I like cities. It was important to me that anyone I dated wanted to stay in Auckland too. Otherwise, there was no point in investing my time in them.
Suppose you and your new partner both want the same things concerning kids, where you live, religion, finances, and anything important to you. In that case, you are much more likely to get on.
When I was first dating, I wasted a lot of time on dates with lovely men who were not suited to me because they wanted different things. Once I worked out what I wanted, I began to meet with men who were more similar to me and quite quickly met my partner.
Takeaway: Think about what is important to you. What you are prepared to compromise on, and what you are not. Make sure your new partner has the same goals as you.
Question five: Do you want the same things?
What is at the core?
Values are tricky things. Typically on a date, we don’t ask for a list of the other person’s values and go through them like a CV at an interview. However, differing values could make or break a relationship.
The first step is to think about what your values are and what you want in a partner. Must they be honest, committed, and monogamous? Good with money? Polite? Hardworking?
According to Rossana Snee, a licensed marriage and family therapist, in her article in Lifehack.org, some core values that need to mesh are trust, loyalty, and honesty.
If your values are the same, you are more likely to have a future together.
Takeaway: Take a bit of time and work out your values and what values you need in a partner.
Question six: Do you have the same values?
Summary
Dating is fun, but you don’t want to waste time on someone who’s not destined to be your soulmate.
To avoid a crappy relationship and make sure you are heading for a great one, ask yourself these questions:
- Is it easy?
2. Can you be yourself?
3. Can you have quiet time?
4. Can you communicate effectively?
5. Do you want the same things?
6. Do you have the same values?
If you answered yes to all the above, congratulations, it’s likely that you have found a keeper.
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