Dating | Singles | Love | Relationships
Speed up the Search for Your Soulmate by Exploring New Mindsets
Take a Risk and Fast Track the Hunt for Your Ideal Partner
I had an extensive dating career before I met my partner. One hundred coffee dates, some dinner dates, a couple of short relationships. All during my late forties and fifties. Dating the second time around is very different from dating in your twenties.
We are all a bit damaged emotionally by this time. We have kids, exes, and triggers that set us off at a moment’s notice.
But we still want love. Someone to snuggle with on the sofa and watch TV. Someone who knows our habits, relatives, friends, favorite foods, our likes, and dislikes.
Sometimes, to meet that new person, we have to change our mindset.
If it all sounds too hard, don’t despair. I did it, and so can you. Here is how.
Change your dating identity
When I started dating, I was terrified and hadn’t been on a date with someone new for twenty-three years.
The first time I went on a dating site, I just looked. I got a few messages, though I never replied to any. I couldn’t see myself as someone who went on dates, and I soon left the site. The next time, a few months later, I responded to some messages but failed to go on any dates. The third time, I sent some messages. The fourth time I went on a date.
Why did it take me so long?
I saw myself as a single mum rather than someone who went on dates. It was hard to behave in a way that didn’t fit who I thought I was.
This is an example of cognitive dissonance.
I took small steps to change my dating identity. Eventually, my identity changed to someone who goes on dates.
What you can do:
Take baby steps. Join a free dating site. Tell a friend you would like to meet someone. Read some articles or a library book about dating. Slowly, your identity will change as each step builds on the last.
If you are already dating, think about what you want your dating identity to be, and take small steps to get there.
Decide what sort of relationship you want
When I was newly single, I had zero interest in meeting anyone, dating anyone, or even thinking about it.
Eventually, I changed my mind. But what sort of someone did I want to meet? Did I want a fling? A fuck buddy? A friend with benefits? A boyfriend? Who was I? I could re-invent myself if I wanted to.
I’m not fond of one-night stands; it’s just how I am. When I thought about the sort of relationship I wanted, the answers all screamed, ‘BOYFRIEND’.
What you can do:
Think about the sort of relationship you want. Do you want a casual fling or husband/wife number two, three, or four? Maybe just a companion? Be honest with yourself about what you want and what will work in your life. It might be time to try something different.
I know women who have an exceptional time meeting men on dating sites and have multiple sexual partners. Some people date casually. Others marry but live apart.
Whatever point you are at in your life, think about what sort of relationship suits you.
Embrace taking action
I didn’t grow up in NZ, so no ex-boyfriends were hanging around. I only knew my ex-husband’s family and friends, my mother’s group of friends, and people from work. No-one was going to creep out of the woodwork and declare undying love.
I’ve noticed that married and newly single people think meeting a boyfriend should be more organic. Future partners should pop up at barbecues. It’s just not quite right to go looking. Prince or Princess Charming should materialize without any effort on our part. It should be easy.
That’s a pile of BS.
Unless you have a lot of very social friends (one), who know loads of people (two), including single men or your chosen demographic (three), and regularly have parties (four) and invite you (five), it ain’t gonna work. Or it might work but in ten years. It took me long enough to meet someone, and I was quite proactive about looking.
While we are all trapped in our homes, avoiding COVID-19, it is less likely to happen.
What you can do:
- Give up the idea that someone will fall out of a tree and land at your feet
- Embrace the idea that you will have to do something
- Do it
The sort of things that you can try are:
Ask your friends to introduce you to singles: To be honest, this never worked out for me. I do know someone who was set up on a blind date by friends six weeks after her marriage ended and is now happily re-married to the man with two kids. It’s worth a try.
Make sure that the people your friends are recommending are good partners as well as good friends, or you could be wasting your time. I dated a friend of a friend once, his behavior was appalling, and my friend was horrified.
Online dating sites: In a research paper about how we meet our partners, Michael J Rosenfield, J. Thomas, and Sonia Hausan talk about how online dating is replacing more traditional ways of meeting a partner.
Choose the dating site carefully. Does the dating site cater to the sort of relationship you are looking for? Most dating sites will let you look around for free, though you may have to pay to send messages.
There are dating sites for hookups, seniors, religions, swingers, kinks, and people who want to have affairs. Make sure you understand what site you are on. If you don’t like dick pics or messages from married people, don’t go on a website where that is the norm.
If you are in lockdown, you can use Zoom or the phone to get to know someone once you move beyond the messaging stage.
Above all, use common sense and keep yourself safe.
Join a club: If you like tennis, bowls, badminton, surfing, gardening, photography, or whatever, join a club. You will meet lots of people, and there may be some singles there.
Clubs, where people go regularly, are better than a course of ten classes. Even if you don’t meet anyone there, you will be busy and have something to talk about on dates.
As I was a single mum, this option didn’t work for me as I couldn’t attend anything in the evening without a regular babysitting arrangement. Ad hoc dates where I could meet in the daytime suited my lifestyle better.
Bear in mind if you want to meet a particular gender, you have to go where those people are. If you are looking for a man, you are less likely to meet one at a dressmaking class. This may seem obvious, but if your goal is to meet a partner, don’t spend all your time doing things that don’t lead to meeting one.
One of my friends met his wife at a language class, and I know quite a few people that met at dance classes.
Meetup: This is an app for social gatherings based around a particular hobby or interest. There are also social meetups based on location or age, as well as meetups specifically for singles. There are now lots of online events on Meetup as well.
I’ve used Meetup for both singles events and hobbies and met people who have become friends. At the singles events, I did meet lots of interesting people, both men, and women. When I was single, I ran a singles group, so I would invite anyone I met to join my group.
Church groups: My experience of church groups is nil as I flip between atheist and agnostic, but I have heard of a church or religious groups that cater to singles who would like to find a partner.
Final thoughts
Being single is very different from being in a relationship. It can be quite a shock to people who are used to being part of a couple.
I listen to single friends and feel out of touch with what they say as I’ve been in a relationship for nearly four years now. Dating is a different lifestyle, and if you want to meet a partner, you have to be open to doing new things.
It’s a lot harder now with COVID-19 trapping us all indoors, but all sorts of online activities have appeared. You can still have a Zoom date or attend an online group.
Good luck and have fun!
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