Dating | Love | Relationships | Singles
How to Save Time Looking for Love: Find Your New Partner Online
Streamline your dating strategy
I dated for a long time before I met my partner, and initially, as long as I was happy the man wasn’t a serial killer, I met them for coffee. As time went on, I became very choosy.
If I had to start all over again, I’d have a much more streamlined strategy.
Here it is.
#1: Work out what you want in a partner.
At first, I had no idea of what type of person I wanted to meet, but that changed over time. I found that it’s essential to know precisely what you want in a partner as dating can be very time consuming and, quite frankly, exhausting.
As an extrovert, I was fond of giving people a chance and ended up meeting a lot of nice men who were totally unsuitable for me. Some things were unimportant to me, such as looks. As long as I found the person attractive, it was OK.
Once I narrowed my dating criteria, I did much better and soon met my partner.
To save time, think about what are your deal breakers and where you are flexible:
- What age range will you realistically consider?
- How far are you willing to travel. Does your future partner have to live close by, or are you open to a long-distance relationship?
- Do they have to be religious or atheist?
- Where do you want to live long term? Are you a city person or a country person? Are you planning on moving?
- What is your stance on smoking and drinking?
- Will you date someone with children? If so, are there age limits? For example, are you OK with teenagers but not toddlers?
- Do you want to have children with them?
- What is your stance on pets?
- Do they have to be a homeowner?
#2: Decide how flexible you are regarding looks
I learned quite quickly that if I wasn’t attracted to a man’s photo, I was unlikely to be attracted to the real-life version. There had to be something about the man that I liked the look of.
I had no height, weight, or other requirements. I wasn’t stuck on brown eyes or blond hair, but I had to like the photos.
According to an article in Psychology Today by Madeleine A. Fugere Ph.D, although people may want a partner to be kind and have a sense of humor, physical attraction serves as a gatekeeper.
“A few months ago I sat down with my friend Louise while she scanned online dating profiles. Louise told me that looks were not that important to her, but that a good sense of humor was a must. While Louise certainly values all of the characteristics I listed above, not once did we say, “This guy seems like he has a great sense of humor,” or, “This man has very kind features.” We only stopped to further investigate the profiles of men who seemed physically attractive.” — Madeleine A. Fugere Ph.D
It’s not shallow to want to be attracted to your partner.
#3: Think about what sort of relationship you want
Many men on the internet want a casual fling, but that wasn’t what I wanted. This is a bit harder to suss out. There is a fine line between being someone who is stating what they want and behaving like a madwoman who wants to get married next week.
“What are you looking for?” is a common question online. Make sure you ask it. I know women who have wasted time dating men who did not want a relationship. The first they heard about it was a few months into dating when they asked where the relationship was going.
Ask yourself what you want. Is it a casual fling, your soulmate, or a few nights out at the movies? Some people want a string of lovers, some want marriage, some just want to chat online. Make sure you ask them.
#4: Look online
Once you’ve worked out what you want, look for those people online.
“We show in this paper that meeting online has displaced friends as the main way heterosexual couples in the United States meet. Traditional ways of meeting partners (through family, in church, in the neighborhood) have all been declining since World War II. Meeting through friends has been in decline since roughly 1995.” — Michael J. Rosenfield, Reuben J. Thomas, and Sonia Hausen.
It sounds simple, but it is easy to get distracted or go back on what you have decided because the person is good looking or funny.
They can be as good looking as a Brad Pitt/George Clooney/Robert Downey Jnr. mash-up, but it won’t do you any good if they don’t want a relationship yet.
Stick to your guns. If you don’t want a smoker and give in because the person is funny and charming, you may resent them later.
Be very clear on children and pets. I’ve heard horror stories about people who portrayed themselves as animal lovers and turned out to be cruel to pets. If you do or don’t like pets or children, take that into account.
Remember to check out the future plans of your prospective date. It’s easy to weed out people in the wrong age range or who have/doesn’t have kids but more challenging to work out their future aspirations unless you ask them.
I’m a city girl who likes lunches, dinners, movies, plays, and the hustle and bustle. Some of the men I chatted to met all my criteria until they revealed that they wanted to sell up and buy a big chunk of land in the country with cows and sheep within two years.
As well as looking at what people write in their profiles also take a look at their photos. Profile pictures with unclear pictures, men in sunglasses, enormous fish, boats, cars, and motorbikes were unlikely to persuade me to meet. If I couldn’t see the man’s face, how could I know whether I liked the look of him or not?
#5: Notice their online behavior
I messaged many prospective boyfriends over the years, and I learned what sort of online behavior I liked and what I didn’t.
The list below are my personal preferences, and you will have yours. You might be OK with one-word answers and dick pics. You must decide. Nothing is wrong as long as it is your preference. Don’t let your friends tell you any different. Just stay safe.
These were my must-haves:
Must be able to write reasonably long, articulate messages
The people I got on with best wrote reasonably long messages online. I don’t mean essays, just a couple of paragraphs. They could spell and string a few sentences together. They asked me questions about myself and answered the questions I asked.
Isn’t that everyone? No, not by a long way. Short, one-word replies, no interest in me accompanied by a request to meet up were quite common. Why would I want to meet someone who couldn’t even bother to invest the time to write a decent message?
No unsolicited dick pics or suggestive messages
No, I wasn’t doing anything to encourage it. My profile was all about work, hobbies, and being a mum. I said I wanted a relationship, that I didn’t do casual.
I did say I’m an extrovert and like going out and parties. One man took exception to this, and I got a long abusive message about ‘all the parties, men and sex.’ What men and sex?
The sort of parties I go to are filled with middle-aged people who all bring a plate (NZ code for a plate of food to share) and talk about their jobs, children, and pets. If we get really racy, someone might bring up politics.
I did receive quite a few suggestive messages from young men who thought an older woman would jump at the chance to have sex with them. Invitations to go round to their place and drink cheap wine. Rather convenient for them if women accepted their invitation!
Older men tended to be more aggressive. If I objected to their unsolicited, saucy messages or didn’t answer, I sometimes received an abusive message next. After all, I’d said I liked to have fun in my profile, and in their minds, this clearly meant one thing. In these cases, I blocked them immediately. Why put up with unacceptable behavior?
If you want dick pics and like sexting with strangers, go for it. Just stay safe. I’m writing about my preferences and what worked for me.
#6: Phone screen or Zoom
I learned that some people could seem ideal on paper, but I couldn’t talk to them in real life. Sometimes people have help with their profile from a friend so what you see isn’t really their voice.
Chatting away for an hour or so is an excellent indicator that you will get on when you meet. It also weeds out the people who have misrepresented themselves in their profiles.
A couple of men were all about meeting soulmates and family values in their profile but not on the phone.
“How big is your bust?”
“What are you wearing?”
“I can’t wait to get my hands on you.”
These questions, all in the first couple of minutes of the call.
I also screened out a couple of racist and homophobic men. People will tell you who they are. It’s your job to listen and believe what they say.
To Zoom or not to Zoom? Personally, I’d do a phone call first. I’m just too lazy to get all dressed up for a Zoom without knowing if I can chat easily. Up to you.
#7: Go on the date
Now you have weeded out all the things you don’t want, it’s time to go on a date.
I found it was better to go on coffee dates rather than dinner as it’s less time consuming, safer, and less problematic to leave if you feel you want to.
Ask about what they have put in their profile as sometimes people will bend the truth, hoping that when you meet them, you will be so entranced, it won’t matter.
Final Thoughts
Dating can be fun, and I know a lot of people who met their partners online. I did so myself.
To streamline the process, remember to:
- Work out what you want in a partner
- Decide how flexible you are regarding looks
- Think about what sort of relationship you want
- Search online and stick to your criteria
- Monitor online behavior
- Do a phone screen
- Go on a date and have fun
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