When We Finally Learn That One Size Seldom Fits All, Perhaps We Shall Heal Together

a poetry collection

“At the level of humaness, we see right and wrong as guide markers. At what point or level do we no longer see right and wrong?” — Joseph Lieungh

Right, wrong or lacking in fit?

So often in my journey of healing from childhood abuse, others have imposed on me one of two narratives:

one, that she was right, that her teaching methods were traditional, and it was I who didn’t measure up, endure the lessons and derive their meanings.

two, that she was wrong, that she was abusive and crazy and villainous and malicious, and that she purposefully hurt as part of who she was — to many people told me I was still seeped in the abuse when I said I didn’t need this version of my mother in order to describe my experiences of trauma.

What is hard for so many to understand is my perspective that there wasn’t a right, there wasn’t a wrong, but that our transition between two cultures, and our transition between two generations meant I had far different expectations about parenthood, and what a child deserves than what she’d prioritized, and in that nuanced light, she’d done more than her mother had done for her given the scarcity of resources they had, and the unrest at that time.

For me, I hold wounds that my parents never learned to regulate their emotions, nor help me learn how to co-exist with mine, and yes, that is a wound. and For them, they lived in a time where surviving was the priority, each taking on parenting duties for their siblings far more than I did.

Their parenting style was not enough for me, and I am not the child they’d wanted or hoped for, per tradition.

Contrary to popular belief, I do not need to villify them to understand that we were puzzle pieces that did not fit.

Author’s note: This one was a hard one! But I feel more and more that this is my story. I’ve learned a lot from people who have both told me that she was wrong, but also that told me she was right — to completely abandon some of the core values that led her to behave this way (though she definitely took it further than other parents I know) involved a lot of people outside of my culture telling me to conform solely to dominant narratives of what’s right and wrong. And on that end, I lost my roots. That is sometimes the damage when you impose right or wrong without considering context and validating whether certain parts are appropriate.

Do you willingly take risks, knowing you might fail regarding matters of love? — Riku Arikiri

Perhaps in a way I still believe in love in that I don’t quite think any relationship truly “fails”; that if I went into it that based on my personality, something from that relationship brought me joy and love, that in the end if it doesn’t work out the “not forever” does not have to sour the “times together”.

Author’s note: I feel like save for my 2-year stint as a tween thinking that the destiny of my life was for some Prince Charming to swoop in and save me from everything (okay, listen, Disney stories back then were ALL the rage), this has been what I thought for the longest time. While I think it’s so amazing to get to spend a lifetime with your loved ones, to recognize that each and every one of us have values and goals outside of romance and sometimes those goals can conflict with the health and trajectory of a relationship — is something I reflect on too. It doesn’t have to be forever to be good. Just because it’s short doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it, or good. The quality of a relationship need not solely be measured in length.

“The element of our existence.” — Aswin

The element of our existence — are they the four humors? the blood, the phlegm, the yellow bile and the black bile?

It makes me wonder just how these original words mixed into modern dayanatomical terms.

And when you say existence what do you mean? What does it mean to exist, and how could retroactively, once answered, be distilled into an essence?

Perhaps there are dimensions, the way we have 金木水火土, literal elements of the world the gold, the wood, the water, the fire, the earth; perhaps the dimensionality of personality as an OCEAN — The Big Five — Openness (to experience), Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism.

I feel, after all, this may be a trick question;

if light can be seen as both wave and a particle, perhaps something more complex, like existence, has multiple sets of properties depending on what we’re asking of it?

Author’s note: I think about this one a lot! The last bit, I mean. Sometimes we try too hard to simmer something down to its elements and assume there’s one answer. But perhaps, limited in our senses and understanding as we are, we may need multiple analogies and structures to understand something. Maybe, it can be both a particle AND a wave.

“We are not our thoughts.” — Sujona Chatterjee

We are not our thoughts, to me is too easy a phrase.

After all, perhaps I’d like to amend: we are considerably from our thoughts (we think therefore we are, or something) but we are, from that initial point on, not only our thoughts, instead malleable by environment, and if you believe, influenced by free will and other potions.

We are not our thoughts can be a comforting phrase, telling someone with anxious thoughts that their worst fears may not come true; telling someone that their depressed outlook may not actually be their destiny.

But

We are not our thoughts can also be weaponized as a phrase to take away strength from perceptions and lived experiences, and thus be a seasoning you must use gently.

Author’s note: This is such a useful phrase for many! But I think, just as any healing phrase or modality goes, we need to be cognizant of whether there are any “universal truths” out there — because there might not be. The words that healed you may be poison to another, so season gently, so season lightly.

“An open door won’t take you anywhere if you don’t walk through it.” — Wilfredo Resto

An open door may not take me anywhere but the rebel in me may not choose to walk through it not today, not tomorrow, maybe in a week, maybe in a month, maybe in a year, definitely when I’m ready —

maybe I won’t walk maybe I’ll dive right in, maybe I’ll dip my toes in slowly definitely whatever truly tickles my fancy.

Author’s note: It wouldn’t be a poem collection if I didn’t just rebel in some way, right? My inner child coming right out 😈 if my inner child were to be a poltergeist, or a toddler in her terrible twos.

“If the time machine was invented today, what would you do?” — Simão Cunha

If the time machine was invented today, perhaps I would go into the future to see if there indeed was a future, because at one point, at some point, I realized many in my generation have a bleak outlook on the next steps of humanity.

And perhaps if there was no future then maybe I’d have propelled myself into non-existent ether and ceased to exist, so there’s no coming back either.

Author’s note: Bleak, whoops! But the more I talk with others my age, especially high school friends, the more we realize that a lot of us started out high school thinking we’d change the world and then became adults who firmly believed there is nothing to fix anymore and we are far too late anymore. Bright-eyed and bushy-eyed turned bloodshot-eyes and crooked back, aching from all this sitting. Is it just me? Or the group of friends I know? Hmmmm

Hi I’m Lucy Dan 蛋小姐 (she/her/她) and I wanted to thank Diana C. for coordinating these prompts and housing this space for healing! It’s always so fun to tackle these prompts, even if sometimes I rebel (playfully and not harmfully, I hope!) :’) Ps, you can listen to this and other poems re-imagined in podcast form!

^ by Johnny Silvercloud