The Challenges of Being a Stay-At-Home Mother

And how I attempt to tackle them each day.

As an overthinker, I tend to question every single detail about my life. When I became a mother, this only got worse. And, like every other mother I know, guilt is at the forefront of our emotions, because we never think we have made the absolute right choice without sacrifice.

However, those feelings don’t in any way trump the love we feel for our children, by no means.

I only learned to have vastly conflicting feelings of joy and worry, happiness and sadness, fear and hope, all at once, when my son was born. At first, it was confusing. But I have, over time, accepted the mix of emotions that somehow don’t overlap, but stand very presently and obviously on their own.

Having a baby is so normal, yet so unique to each individual. To me, Andriel was my miracle after battling PCOS. Being a mother was my only real dream all my life, and I want to give him everything possible for him to thrive in life.

But as the logistical and practical issues arose when Andriel started getting past the newborn stage, I started to panic. I was sleep-deprived, alone for long periods of time, and going a bit insane.

I started feeling angry at the world for feeding me such negativity when all I wanted to do was enjoy motherhood and enjoy my son to its full potential. I wanted to cut out all my problems.

This is when I had to change my attitude. I couldn’t change anything else but my own self, and my actions. I had to get grips with all of my emotions, my circumstances, and start hard work in order to feel good as a stay-at-home mother.

To ensure I could be the best influence I could be on my son’s upbringing.

Here is how I gained (some) control of my life, and what I do to maintain that control.

Getting Sleep

I sleep trained Andriel. A year ago, I did not say this proudly. In fact, I felt ashamed. Another failure to add to the vast amount of parenting skills needed to succeed in bringing up well-rounded kids.

But a few months ago, I took the courage to speak up about my experience — which was actually really positive. I don’t feel shame around the subject anymore, but proud.

I educated myself on the real definition of sleep training. I learned about the real biological needs of babies to sleep and feel safe. I learned about the effects that bad sleep had on the body temporarily and developmentally. I spent god knows how much time researching, talking to health experts, and collecting as much data about the life-changing decision to gain control of our sleep when Andriel was 5 months old.

We took the leap — and we will never look back.

I’m not saying that every baby needs to be officially sleep trained. I’m saying that if your baby is healthy and they haven’t learned to fall asleep on their own by the time they’re 4 months old, and you’re desperate for a good night’s sleep — there are solutions. There are steps you can take that won’t be detrimental to you or your baby in the process — but the contrary.

Once my baby could continue to grow healthily and reap the health benefits of sleeping regularly, it was time to take care of myself.

Getting Busy

Big, life-changing events will undoubtedly shake the rest of your life. Having a child was unsettling, even if it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

But I won’t deny that the choice I made to base my life around my son made me feel a little lost.

So I wrote down my goals. I worked out what my priorities were. I decided to start journaling, which became a thing of its own. I also decided to keep an up-to-date calendar.

I decided to get busy.

During the start of the pandemic, although I did get bouts of self-doubt and anxiety, I mostly thrived. I exercised regularly, lost weight, took to nature, gratitude, and worked on personal projects — like my writing.

Now that the lockdowns are easing and life is slowly going back to normal, I am keeping up with my goals. I have planned out how I will go about writing more regularly, once my son is in daycare for two mornings a week. I am taking care of other side projects, such as decluttering the home and adapting our storage solutions. Cliche of a stay-at-home mother, I know, but fun, nevertheless.

Mostly, I gained control of my circumstances again.

Getting Happy

How we react to the challenges we face with life, and with our kids, will ultimately teach them how to react too. That’s why it was so important for me to learn how to cope with all my emotions of worry, fear, anger, and sadness.

I faced a set of obstacles in my childhood and young adult life, such as bullying, and culture shock from moving countries. Nothing too traumatic or extraordinary, but I cannot deny the effects they had on me.

For years, I used to wake up shaking with nerves, and it would take me a minute or two to calm down. So much so, that to this day, I still dream about my secondary school as a 12-year-old being bullied by my old schoolmates, which led to me having a deep-rooted fear of not being liked.

By letting those emotions consume me for so long, I reacted with impulse and jumped to the worst conclusions. My insecurities pushed others away. I had to turn this around and learn to manage my negativity. I had to break out of those well-ingrained habits to spiral.

I had to get truly happy if I was going to teach my son to be happy.

Getting “Me” Time

I practice mindfulness every day. I take every event as it happens and I don’t take things personally anymore. I won’t fool myself into thinking that the world is against me.

I embraced a new attitude — “just live” — because I learned that having fun is serious business. I prioritise doing what I want because then I can do what I have to with more enthusiasm. I go get my nails done every 3 weeks. I give myself time every day to read and write. I see and make time for my friends. I watch crap TV when my son naps sometimes.

I am learning to manage my negativity.

When my son gets frustrated, I try my absolute hardest not to let that energy transfer on to me and make the situation worse. I take deep breaths and comfort him while reassuring him that it’s OK. Once he has calmed down, we work through what happened and how we can make it better.

When I feel sad to the point I need to cry, I let myself cry with ease because I cannot suppress my feelings, even if that means my son sees me get upset. Because I know that when I’ve had a good cry, I’ve normalised an emotion for him that would otherwise be frowned upon by the rest of the world, especially for a man.

When I am getting signals of discomfort and anxiety, I take a minute to become aware of them, and deal with them there and then before they get worse. I use different techniques to bring myself back into the room, such as practising gratitude or putting music on.

I learned from my son the act of staying in the present — for that’s all he knows for now. Toddlers don’t dwell. I hope this will enable me to reciprocate the lesson when he inevitably learns to live in his head as he grows older.

Takeaway

If there is anything I have truly learned since becoming a mother, it’s that all problems can become big enough to overwhelm, but they’re never too big to solve.

Once I had that light bulb moment where I realised I had the choice not to feel so bad anymore, it was liberating. I don’t have to feel guilty all the time for wanting some “me” time. I refuse to feel bad for wanting to spend time away from Andriel, because I know I’m not just doing that for me — but for him.

Like most parents, I want to give my kids everything, from the best toys, to the best education, and the best tools to survive in this world. That, includes teaching him how to cope with all his emotions and take proactive steps to feel good.

Self-care is the answer. It’s not selfish to put yourself first. Ironically, it’s the opposite. So, if you’re a stay-at-home mum like me, and you need a break now and then — find ways to take one guilt-free. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to go for a haircut, book the appointment. If you want to simply go for a walk without the kids, find a way. There is always a way.

Most of all, remember you deserve it all.

Sylvia Emokpae, thinker and philosopher, is passionate about self-love and motherhood. See more work like this.

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