Redefining the Concept of Happiness
How I’m learning about fulfilment from my toddler son.
There is no scientific evidence in this article, other than the experiences I have learned as a mother from my own son, plus a few lessons from other parents I know.
My son knows happiness better than any of us.
Kids get sad at different points throughout their day. They can get grumpy. My son has a meltdown just like that, for the seemingly smallest things. The other day, he cried because he absolutely needed to hold all the toys in his hands but couldn't carry everything at once. Sad times.
But he gets over these episodes quickly and resumes smiling and laughing once we have dealt with a situation.
That’s because children in general are simple. And that’s not a bad thing.
Their default mood is naturally good. Their outlook of the world is innocent because it is unseen and undiscovered. They rely on their immediate surroundings to teach them everything. And ultimately, they learn the meaning of happiness. Unfortunately, what they learn is often wrong.
They haven’t yet formed patterns of thinking or an attitude because those things are learned over a long period of time, into adulthood. So all their reactions and behaviours, I would say, are moldable.
We Learn To Want
Rather than learn the meaning of happiness, I claim that we tend to lose it when we grow up. And then we spend most of our lives seeking it all over again. We redefine happiness to what fits the outside narrative, depending on our environment. In most developed countries, happiness is associated with success and materialism.
This concept of happiness changes our attitude and approach towards its pursuit and for a lot of us, it’s in vain.
We spend much of our time daydreaming about what we want. This means that when we acquire it, we then want something else. There is no pause. We have a table of conditions that must be met in order to feel happy, yet that table keeps getting bigger and bigger as we tick each box.
Why? Because we’re surprised when we aren’t simultaneously happy once we get what we want. But instead of thinking that possibly it’s not what we want that will make us happy, we carry on the same pattern of thought and continue adding to the list of things we want.
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.” — Albert Einstein
Undefining Happiness
As young children, we don’t consciously know what happiness means but I argue that it is an easy state to be in that comes naturally, before other states of mind are nurtured. My son shows me this every single day when he wakes up singing. It’s adorable.
Andriel hasn’t yet learned the definition of happiness that we as adults act out (even if we know the definition in word form, it is not what we practice mostly).
Rather, overall, my son’s most acted out emotion is actual happiness.
It is only obvious for me to come to the conclusion that, if as adults we aren’t happy, we look to the behaviours and attitudes of happy children to come up with ways to be happy again.
But kids don’t know what we do, right? They don’t know the struggles of adulthood, the traumas some might endure, the toxic environments they will be in, the hurtful relationships they will inevitably come to know. They live in blissful ignorance.
Some say that kids aren’t awake to the reality of our cruel and unfair world, but I might say that we are blinded by it instead when we grow up.
We assume that it is the struggles we endure that causes our lack of fulfilment when in actual fact, it is how we see and deal with those troubles that determine whether we remain happy as we grow.
My Son Doesn’t Take Things Personally
Yesterday, my son and I were supposed to meet up with a friend and her son for a play date. My friend cancelled last minute because her son was having a few tantrums. I had already built excitement up in my son at the prospect of seeing his friend, so I had to break it to him that we weren’t seeing him anymore.
I asked him if he’d prefer to feed the ducks instead and he said “no”. I loaded him in the car anyway, threw a snack and a toy at him and proceeded to drive to the lake.
Andriel knew the playdate was cancelled because he asked about his friend once or twice on the way to the lake. I told him I was sorry that he wasn’t coming anymore.
Andriel moved on.
I, on the other hand, do get secretly insecure if a meet-up doesn’t go ahead. It pierces my ego. This is based on my fear of not being liked rather than the cancelled event itself.
My son doesn't have those kinds of fears yet. So it is my job to make sure he doesn’t develop them but instead deals with potential disappointment more positively. In this case, we fed some ducks and ran around a lake, and then had a snack as we stared out to the water. It was a beautiful afternoon.
When you stop reminding yourself of past events every time something doesn’t go your way, you take the personal insult out of it. When each experience is treated as a sole event, the blow isn’t so hard to deal with.
Remove your past from your present, because it’s irrelevant. When you don’t think everything is against you, the present is much simpler.
“When you lose your ego, you win. It really is that simple.” — Shannon L. Alder
Toddlers Are Busy (Having Fun)
My friend told me of the time she took her daughter to day-care for the first time and how she was allowed to sit and watch her as she settled in. She was fascinated by the business of the room. Not because there were lots of children in it, but because every child was doing something. Every child had an agenda and they got to work.
Children are constantly busying themselves. They take on the environment that they’re in and seek ways to entertain themselves.
I was worried that because we haven’t got any toys for our backyard, that our son would be bored if I encouraged him to play outside. I was naive. My son goes outside and pretends to water my plants. He takes his cars out and rolls them down a small hill. I chase him around the garden singing and tickling him.
No matter what, children seem to find ways to stimulate learning and creating a positive experience no matter the scenario. Yes — our provision of resources and nurturing environment cultivates this further, but the natural desire for children to enjoy the present moment is there. It is up to us as parents to facilitate that growth in creativity and to keep letting our kids have fun with whatever they do.
For example, when I need my son to hurry up to get ready, I have two choices. I can wait for him to be ready — which half the time, he is not. Or I can get him ready regardless of whether he is prepared to comply. But the task will be done much better if I tickle him as I get him undressed and then chase him up the stairs to his bedroom where his clean clothes are than if I was to get impatient and short with him.
Increasing the number of positive experiences in children as we do the more dull tasks will only help my son be able to continue to find fun in fulfilling his obligations later in life.
We as adults can also find ways to enjoy the duller moments by being completely in the present. My husband sticks by his principle that no matter what he does, he will have fun with it. This has more than once caused arguments because I’ve expected him to do something to help me out, but generally, I admire his commitment to enjoy everything he does. Literally, everything.
This article goes into further detail as to why it is important for adults to find ways to play. To summarise, it increases your social skills, nurtures loving relationships, enhances your good feelings, and is directly linked to boosting your physical and mental health.
I remember doing an art project at work, just before I went on maternity leave. In the closing meeting, once the project was completed, I remember talking to one of the ladies who led the project. I described how much I enjoyed it and how it made a difference to my approach in the rest of my job and my overall outlook on life. She came up with the phrase:
“Having fun is serious business.”
Think about that.
My Son is Witness to Every Moment
Andriel isn’t stuck in his head.
Andriel doesn’t dwell.
He doesn’t feel anxious about the past. He doesn’t feel fear of the uncertainty of the future. Thus, when he has a bad day, there is no weight of other bad days attached and it is easier for him to move on.
I have learned that in order to not live in fear or worry, I have to put myself into every present moment, which is essentially the only thing anyone can ever control. My son has taught me this because he only reacts to every present moment. He practices mindfulness without even realising it, whereas I, as an adult, have spent years learning how to cultivate it.
But it is still up to me to ensure that he continues to live this way before he learns to dwell and fear.
How I react to a bad day is important. How I react to his bad days is important.
When our son has had multiple tantrums or retells me how he, for example, fell over that day, I sympathise and comfort him for a few moments so he feels supported. I then proceed to point out the good things that happened, such as eating a chocolatey snack or laughing at something funny that happened. This makes him smile and sometimes he will carry on listing the more positive things that happened. My husband and I will try to cheer him up by ending the day positively. Anything that can turn my son’s perspective around before he goes to sleep.
This helps to form a good pattern of thinking. If we validate and acknowledge every bad experience but also find a way to compensate and take the weight off them by accumulating more positive events, we will be teaching our son to look on the bright side.
“The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.” — Abraham Maslow
Takeaway
Children have a natural desire to be happy. I mean that unhappiness is nurtured into us rather than it being naturally there.*
Not letting yourself take things personally lessens the blow of negative events and experiences.
Focusing on doing things that are fun for you as much as possible (while responsibly keeping up with your obligations) is important to your wellbeing.
Being in the present moment and keeping yourself in the present is vital because it is when you’re in your head that all the feelings associated with unhappiness arise.
I am learning from my son what to keep nurturing in order to maintain his sense of fulfilment. In the meantime, I’m also learning how to facilitate more of those positive vibes through play, especially with the more mundane tasks that he will inevitably have to do as he grows up.
Because having fun, at the end of the day, is serious business, and it should be taken seriously when we are adults.
*With the exception of some mental illnesses that are proven to be biologically inherited.
Sylvia Emokpae is passionate about self-love and motherhood. See more work like this.