Understanding The Cost of Fear
And what I do to claim what it owes me.
Fear is useful. But have you ever felt deathly afraid in a situation that presented no real danger?
In today’s Western world, most of us live well and are rarely under any real physical threat — like getting attacked by a bear in a forest. But if we find ourselves in a situation where we actually are in real danger, our fight or flight mode is activated because of our fear. It enables us to react. Thus, fear is actually necessary for our survival.
We practice fire drills at our place of work but we are not constantly escaping fires, or even scared that there will be a fire. If there was one, our fear would kick us into action. But how often do you enter a building worrying about the potential risk of there being a fire?
Rather, fear is triggered by much smaller, psychological reasons today. Simply put, fear is useful — until it’s not.
Listen To Your Fears
Sometimes we get feelings without understanding why or where they are coming from. We brush them off and we act in unhealthy ways without knowing why.
Looking deep within you to process the feelings you have can help you acknowledge an issue. It’s uncomfortable, but a must if you want to go forward. It helps to think of scenarios where you’ve felt the emotion before because there’s usually a pattern.
My inability to deal with my fear of not being liked showed in my dependency on others. Typically, this stems back to my childhood.
At age 5 or 6, I wore an eye patch and awful-looking glasses, as well as having really short hair. I refused to dress “girly”. I remember a teenager walking past me and pointing at me as he told his friends how ugly I was.
This is memorable possibly because it was the first time my feeling of not being pretty was publicly acknowledged. Or maybe it was the first time I became aware of my appearance at all.
I was a chubby kid and this was not a hidden fact. I once overheard my aunt telling my parents I was fat and that they should put me on a diet. I must’ve not been older than 7. I don’t think I knew how I felt, let alone done anything with it.
This manifested into a fear of feeling ugly, fat, and physically inadequate. As a teenager, I worked really hard to look and dress “pretty”. I went on my first self-prescribed diet at the age of 13.
Add that all to the fact I was bullied when I moved to a different country, and you get a very anxious and insecure child. I suffered from a great deal of culture shock that again, I was unable to process at the time.
I reckon it’s this that caused me to take everything personally in life. I adopted the “the world is against me” attitude.
However, my fear of not being liked doesn’t threaten my safety, but rather my emotional state. This means that my fight or flight mode is triggered when I start feeling insecure about a relationship.
Before, I blamed everyone else for my pain. I made myself believe it was everyone else who was at fault, even though the word “needy” was mentioned to me more than once. I victimised my own self.
But when I really faced my fears and thought about my past, I realised I couldn’t carry on not taking responsibility for my issues. When I admitted that I had trust issues, I was able to work on healing and moving forward.
“Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.” — Marie Curie
The Cost Of Fear
The deep-rooted fear of not being liked has over time cost me a tremendous amount of self-confidence. It has caused me to become over-caring and needy. This has consequently enabled others to take advantage of me and for the cycle to go on.
I have been hurt by people who have used me for either my good nature or simply because I was easy company. I have had some bad, bad, bad relationships. Jealous boyfriends, cheating partners, etc.
I took the victim approach and I let it consume me. Actually, I let fear just keep taking, and shaping what I thought was my identity.
Fear is damn expensive. Not just monetarily — imagine all that self-confidence that could’ve landed me a job in sales instead of customer service. Imagine how much confidence one can use to buy their promotions and leadership roles.
“Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” — Yoda
Fear costs the mind a great deal. It takes away your sense of self-control. I honestly believed the world was out to get me personally. I didn’t believe I could control my life. I hoped to God that I would find happiness outside of me and it made me dependent on others. And then I blamed everyone else when they didn’t meet my high expectations.
How much has fear cost you?
Fear Is In Debt of Us All
For those whose fears are purely psychological, you are indebted. Consider all the times fear stood in the way and think of those moments as loans. And like with every loan, it needs to be paid back, with interest.
Notice I say borrowed, not robbed. This is because although the past cannot be changed, your perspective can. And so can your future.
Imagine you could take back what fear owes you. Imagine you could start claiming back today all that borrowed self-confidence and positive attitude.
Here’s the good news. You can.
Because you decide what you do with yourself and your time. You choose what to think and feel. In fact, you’ve always been in control of your feelings and thoughts, but you let fear get in the way. When you realise fear can be put aside and listened to only selectively — such as for actual real threats, you can start thinking and feeling with a different lens.
With every con, there’s a pro. With every fearful event you have gone through, there’s a flip side. Find them all. Stop lying to yourself and telling yourself that the world is against you. Start making it work for you. And start claiming some hefty payments back from fear.
Fill yourself with the abundance of the love you deserve.
Stop with the cheesy lines, you say? No — because life is meant to be cheesy. So get used to it.
“The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” — Nelson Mandela
Change Your Perspective
Every bad experience comes with silver linings. Yes, I had a tough time growing up — so does everyone, and I’m not special in that regard.
I would not have learned about self-image if I wasn’t insecure about my appearance. If I hadn’t come to England, I would not have met the awesome friends I have today. I would not have met my husband and had a beautiful son with him (and a subsequent kid — have I mentioned I am pregnant again?).
If it wasn’t for my fear of not being liked, I would not have learned to be more selective of the company I keep today. I have hardened up and I do not let things slide anymore. I would not have learned who and how to trust.
It is because I have been hurt that I understand what happiness feels like. Because you cannot possibly feel good without bad.
Think of Fear as a Bored Child
Because you are not under any physical threat regularly, the amount of fear that needs to be triggered isn’t very high. Imagine a child not being allowed to play. The child will get bored and eventually start playing up and trying to find ways to get your attention. That’s what your fear is doing.
When you start giving attention to that bored child, he might carry on acting up. Just like with fear — the more you listen to it, the more it takes from you.
And what’s one of the most effective techniques for getting a child to stop acting up? By ignoring him when his behaviour is challenging, and loving him abundantly the rest of the time. You nurture positive interactions between you and the child and eventually, he learns to cope with feelings of boredom and stops wanting to act up.
The Obvious Strategies
I cannot stress enough how much I have learned about myself by practising mindfulness.
Remember you are not your thoughts. Acknowledge and validate all your thoughts and feelings and let go of whatever you no longer want to own. By distancing yourself from your fears, you’re able to inspect them with a more objective light and work on overcoming them.
Practicing deliberate gratitude every day keeps those silver linings coming. The more we focus on the lessons and the more we are thankful for them, the easier it gets to spot them over time.
Setting and working on your goals every single day keeps you focused. Yes, self-doubt and fear can try to set in, but keeping that focus towards the end result not only increases your chances of success, but it keeps those negative feelings away.
“Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out.” — Karl Augustus Menninger
Takeaway
When we understand where fear stems from and how it is a necessary part of our existence, we can start learning how to control it. A feeling without thought isn’t enough — you have to dig deep and face those uncomfortable feelings in order to acknowledge them and be able to work with them.
Fear is expensive — start claiming back some of what it has taken from you by changing your perspective about your past and taking control of your future.
Look for a positive with everything that’s negative. There is a lesson hidden in every scenario and experience. You just have to look.
Think of fear as a bored child that simply needs love and nurture, and suddenly it won’t feel so bad.
Lastly — work on your self-growth. Find ways that work for you to practice mindfulness. Remind yourself of how much you have and be grateful. Work on your goals every day — no matter how small.
Kick fear out of the way when it’s not needed — it won’t mind.
Sylvia Emokpae is passionate about self-love and motherhood. See more work like this.
